Return

Well, that was an extremely long and unplanned break from blogging, but I do think it helped.

I have been looking for the time to come back because I do miss connecting with everyone here. I have tried to comment when I can, but I know it has been sporadic. Please know you have all been in my prayers nevertheless!

The last time I blogged was when we went through that crazy week of the P+19 (the longest I had ever gotten before AF showing up) and I needed a bit of a break to process things. Not too long after that the month of thankfulness started and honestly I got a bit overwhelmed by the huge wave of posts and found it difficult to keep up with all the reading!

These weeks have been busy with holiday preparations as well as photoshoots, and planning a baby shower for sil J (last wknd) and a graduation party for my Dh for getting his masters!! (this coming Saturday)

In the midst of it all I've been doing lots of thinking about IF, Advent, waiting, and what God could be planning for 2013. I'm trying so hard to let go of everything and give Him complete control over my days. We are still continuing with our regimen of clomid and HCG injections and this is the fourth month for all of that. I think I rebounded pretty well emotionally considering how draining that second month was. Last month (month 3 of clomid/HCG) AF came right on P+14. Just like normal. For the most part, my cycle is pretty consistent with starting on P+13 or P+14. The only month I've ever had to wait that long for AF was October. In the back of my mind sometimes I wonder if it was just the medicines that made my cycle crazy (because some of you mentioned the possibility of a long luteal phase with these meds) or if it was something else. Maybe I'm just naive or clueless, but I want so badly to ask if it could have been possible that we did conceive even if just for an extremely short time. Perhaps it was just a normal "long luteal because of meds" and I am just making things up in my head. Part of me wants to know for certain but I know I never will. I partly feel silly even thinking it could have been more. I know I didn't have cramping that was out of the ordinary but maybe it's just me wanting to think we're making progress. At the same time, I know that when it does happen, I don't want to get closer and then lose...I want it to be all the way. I suppose this is the only place I would dare to ask.
This month makes three for us. Three years of officially TTC. I remember not drinking at the New Year's Party for 2010 thinking that we could be pg! Although I took my first pg test October 2009 (after being married Aug. '09) I think December was the first official month our hearts made the switch from the not "not trying" but  "Oh my goodness, what if we have a baby soon!" excitement, to the disappointment and questioning and "hmm, why is it not happening?" Part of me wishes we had started seeking medical help sooner (or even had gotten bloodwork done before we were married!) but the more rational part knows that for whatever reason, God wanted our journey to look like this. He has been in control the entire time and despite our questions, we know that He has the answers.

I really want to tell God that I can do it. I want to tell Him that I'm being patient (or at least trying!) and that I can keep doing this. I have had several weak moments in the past weeks. One was triggered by sweet babies at Mass which resulted in that overwhelming sadness and tears. Dh had to tell me to visit the restroom to fix my "raccoon eyes." Why is it always those precious little ones at Mass that get me?! I can feel perfectly fine one minute and then BAM it hits me out of nowhere. I'd rather not switch to waterproof mascara for Mass since it is such a pain to get off but seriously, I've considered it.

The strong moments are the ones I look forward to. Dh and I went to a Reconciliation service Monday night at our church. I was sitting in the pew after my confession and looked up at the crucifix. In that moment I looked at Him and I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love. His love for me and mine for Him (imperfect and flawed though it is). I asked Him to help me and to love me in all my imperfections and I know He does.
I told Him I that I could do it. I could do what He asked and wait as long as He wished to meet our children.
That He died for us, and this was the least I could do. And so, I am in a pretty good place at the moment. I am praying for this strong moment to last as long as possible and that when the next inevitable weak moment comes, He will grace me with another strong one soon after.

 I am going to love Him and praise Him no matter what. I often remind myself that I do not just want my life to be one big "wait"...I want my life to be full of living. Of thanking for blessings and enjoying the beautiful people I do have in my life.

This is what I am working on. What I hope to improve. I don't want this Advent to slip away. I absolutely LOVE LOVE Christmas and I am going to wait (hopefully "well" as this friend says much better than I can)
and pray, and LIVE and prepare my heart for Jesus' coming...whether we have a little one coming soon or not.


Today I am thankful for those strong moments.
For God's unfailing love.

Aaaand that Texas has finally decided to give us a
glimpse of weather that says "winter" instead of
"summer" (it's about time! I'd rather not have to
wear short sleeves on Christmas for goodness sake!)

A very long, stressful week!

Well, here is my update but unfortunately it will be all over the place version due to my crazy emotions and the fact that I am actually out of town with Dh this weekend! I hope this all makes sense!


Remember on Monday when I was P+15?

Well, that day came and went. So did P+16, 17, 18, and today is P+19! Last month on clomid and HCG I started P+14 and I am typically 13 or 14.
I called my Drs office to see what to do on P+16 and they said to get bloodwork done on P+18. I got my blood drawn on Thursday at 9:30 and they told me it could be 2-3 days before I get results.

I started spotting (very light and bright red) on Wednesday. On Thursday it was mostly brown and today it has been brown and more red again.


I took two tests overall that were both negative this morning. I called my Drs office at 11 this morning to see if my results were there and they said they had received them. They wouldnt give me any results though until my Dr (Dr P) reviewed them. The lady said it would be sometime this afternoon. I called at 4:15 (they close at 5) and asked again. The nurse said he still had them but was almost done with last patient so said she would ask and call me back. She called back 5 min later. Apparently my numbers were inconclusive and she couldn't give me a definite yes or no answer!

I was expecting a definite "no" bc of the home tests! despite those though i was praying for a miracle "yes." If not a "yes" I was thinking I would at least get a certain "no" so we could move on and get going for next month. She said it is just too early to tell and that if I still haven't started by next Friday to call and I will take another blood test. (Next Friday! a whole week, is this normal??!)
I'm still having spotting (getting slightly heavier but still not all the way) but if AF was almost here, why couldn't/didn't the blood test just show a definite negative?! If I'm going to start, I'm wondering why it is this late and why it's not a definite negative, and if I am pregnant, I'm wondering why I my numbers are weird and I can't get a positive and why I'm having this spotting and if waiting that long to do anything will hurt the baby???
In addition to this, I have this random pelvicpain on my right side that started a few days ago. I didn't think much of it at first. I thought it started when I coughed and got a sharp pain. Today I've been feeling it more. It could totally be nothing but I just have no idea what is going on with me?! I dont normally make it past P+13 or 14 and now it's P+19! I am over-analyzing everything!!!

I have an appt with Dr P on Tuesday that was going to just be a follow up with how the clomid and HCG were going but now I'm going to have LOTS of questions for him!!! Why are they just waiting for my period to start?? If I am pg now and (God forbid) lose this little one, will I just start my period at some point and never really know for sure?!
Oh dear, Lord keep me sane.
I really just thought this would all be over and I could do a 'yes' or 'no' post soon which is why I haven't said anything till now.

This has been the loooooongest week!
I am really trying to pray hard and stay calm, but it is so hard not to freak out a bit!

Any prayers and advice would be so helpful, ladies!



God's will be done...even when it's not easy. I know He is taking care of us!

Hodge Podge of everything...and a blogoversary

I have been such a bad blogger.

I am behind on reading and commenting but I hope to catch up really soon! Please know that you have still been in my prayers!!

A few quick takes for today..

1. I accidentally put a virus on our computer..(rolls eyes, ugh, way to go, genius) so I am writing this on my phone until we (ahem, Dh) can fix things.

2. If you could please spare a prayer for my mom...she called last night and said her heart check results came back and she needs to make an appt with a cardiologist. They said nothing to worry seriously about yet but we are praying just in case. She has back and neck problems and just had laser eye surgery last month to fix her glaucoma. Her eyes are fine now but I know she is nervous this is something new and awful. She is so wonderful and sweet and offers up all her various pains for different people and many are for Dh and I to conceive. She had some really intense back pains a few years ago and always offered those up for my Dh when he was in Iraq.

3. We finished our St Therese Novena on P+9...the last day of my HCG shots.
My sister texted me that morning and asked if we had been prayed over for healing. She said the thought came to her in morning prayer. We have been praying for healing but had not done that directly. I said that since it was day 9 of our novena, I would take that as a sign and look into it! Yesterday after mass Dh and I waited for the crowd to clear out and went to ask the priest for a blessing for healing. I was a bit nervous! We introduced ourselves and told him we have been going to this church about 6 months now and we think we will register there. We said we had been trying to conceive for a few years and he was very compassionate and was happy to give us a blessing. He said a beautiful prayer over us, but I guess God has a sense of humor because it was so windy outside that during the prayer, his vestments began to fly around us and then up over his head! We finished the prayer with all three of us laughing and joked that it was the Holy Spirit. We walked away feeling thankful for the blessing and thankful to God for that lighthearted moment.

4. I realized the other day that it was one year ago this month that I started this blog! It has truly been a blessing to have this space to share my feelings and connect with all of you! I am so glad I am able to pray for you whether we are going through something similar or not and I just can't thank you enough for your prayers for me. This community is powerful!! So, happy birthdanniversary or something like that, little blog. Any lurkers out there I haven't "met" yet? Just curious because I was a lurker for a while before I jumped in too!

5. A while back I mentioned I was starting something for a little one to have once we get to meet them. It's not very long yet, but I got too excited when starting the initial "chain" so it is actually quite wide. It takes me a while to get through a whole row but I hope to get faster! ....Darn! I tried to put a picture up but blogger updated recently on my phone and is apparently different than last time. Oh well, maybe next time.

6. I think I mentioned that I love taking pictures. It has grown into a serious hobby (that could be more someday! ) and it definitely helps take my mind off IF. I am able to relate to moms and families when I can do it through photography. I've taken pictures for families with small kids and this amazing thing always happens. In the moment I am able to slip into this little world where my head fills with f-stops, golden lighting, shutter speeds and props and somehow I focus on getting the perfect shot rather than the sweet family on the other side of the lens that I want to be. I am still learning and devouring every bit of advice I can find online or elsewhere. My SIL is due with her baby girl any day now and I am busy getting props together for her newborn photo shoot. I really just want everything to be perfect (is that even possible?!) since this is a big deal! Excited and nervous!

7. But not even photography can keep my mind off the fact that I am P+15 today.
I am trying to stay calm. To not freak out or get too anxious or hopeful. I am failing though. It is all I can think about.
I can't even take a test because I'm on HCG and I don't think I could stand to see "pregnant" if its not really true. Pray, hope, and don't worry, right?
I'm sure trying..


Today I am thankful for life.
That we have our lives and lovely family and still will no matter the outcome of this week.

A sharing the good post

 I don't want this place to be merely a outlet to vent on those not so good days. I'd like to share more good things as well...because despite the struggles, my life really is chalk-full of good things as well, and of course I know this, but I think it's important for me to put them in writing now and then soo....
 (hello run-on sentence. lol.)


1. I love waking up to a clean house! For some reason, it makes me feel like good things will happen today. We'll see if it stays that way this weekend..ha.

2. I like smoothies for breakfast.

3. I wanted to share this little gem I came across via a friend on fb this morning..again, no name for the quote, but I settled into these words this morning and felt such a peace after doing so.

"Wait for God's timing, but never doubt His ability. The same God who spoke you into creation, can just as easily change your circumstances."

This is definitely going on our bathroom mirror, like...today!!

4. I absolutely love pictures. But more on that later...today I will leave you will two very old pictures that I took several years ago, but they just seem to go with that anything can happen today theme.

5. Happy Friday y'all!





Thankful for good mornings and happy thoughts.
Little blessings are the best.

Not yet.

New iPhone 5s for Dh and I.

Just got my car back from being in the shop over two weeks and it looks like new. (We were rear-ended)

It's a beautiful day outside.

Made homemade salsa with Dh and enjoying a relaxing Saturday watching football and just being with him.
(I love lazy Saturdays like this)

..

But we are still not parents. Not yet anyway.

Today is CD3. I went to the drug store to refill my clomid for next month.
Still grateful for this new plan, but feeling a bit deflated as well.

It's not that I really expected all the pieces to come together this time, but it's just that I really thought that they did.
I had several moments where I knew I felt different and I just knew (or thought I did) that this was really it. Maybe it was just the HCG. Maybe I just wished/hoped/talked myself into feeling different. Can't be sure. But my answer for this month is not yet. I'm just on the down swing of this IF roller coaster right now but I am quite sure in a few days I will start feeling my spirits rise once again. I'll certainly try not to dwell on this past month for too much longer...I know I'll soon feel the promise of a new month and a new opportunity to open myself up to God's will and His timing.

Just going to enjoy this day we have been given, because this day is a gift.
Every day is.





"Waiting is just a gift of time in disguise--a time to pray wrapped up in a ribbon of patience--because is The Lord ever late?"
(A friend posted this a while back, but didn't say who's quote it is)



Thankful for crack salsa (yes, it's that good) to distract me and an ever positive Dh.

Something for you.

First of all, I must say I am just THRILLED that Fall seems to have come at last! Now I don't want to jinx it or anything, but if this lovely weather will continue, I will be one happy girl indeed :)

With Fall though, seems to have come all the crazy that life can seem to throw at me. I went to bed Saturday night completely physically and emotionally exhausted and slept for about 12 hours! I never do that! I was definitely looking forward to Sunday as a day of relaxing after church.

Mass turned out to be more difficult than I had anticipated. Our priest spoke of difficulties and that no matter what you are going through, you will get through it and you will be okay. That when all you can see is your struggle, try to step back and see the bigger picture. My initial reaction was a bit cocky I guess you could say...I was all.. Yep, IF sure sucks the life out of you, but one day it will end and we will have our family and we'll all be okay. I know that. Because that's what I've been telling myself for a long time.

Then came the songs. Oh, goodness knows I read WAY too much into songs. The first was the Prayer of St. Francis. Beautiful. I love this song. O Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul.
But Sunday what I actually heard was...get over yourself! Everyone has struggles and you need to focus on being the understander not the understood and doing what you can for others and loving those around you with all you have and using the gifts you have now! Of course my mind was going a mile a minute and then the second song....
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. And then this starts...this is it, isn't it?? Is it I, Lord? We're not supposed to ever have kids and I'm just going to have to get over it and carry this cross and love with all my soul and hold His people in my heart but it will never be the same as holding my children and oh my goodness, I'm being so selfish right now!!...
Good grief, someone stop me now!!

Well, a little big dose of humility is good sometimes, right? The big picture and what I've taken from my moments of madness is that if God doesn't bless us with children, we will be okay. I know this deep down because He loves us. Of course I am hoping and praying with all my heart that this is not the case. I just needed to think those thoughts and say them out loud...thinking through that worse case scenario and realizing that if that does indeed happen, life will go on and God will still love us. I asked/begged God again that if He does not wish us to be parents that He will please take that desire away.

I told my Dh all of this after Mass of course and I told him that the biggest thing right now is not that I am not hopeful. The problem is that I have SO much hope that I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I have an even longer way to fall. (I just finished my fourth and final HCG shot yesterday and now we are just waiting.) I said that I have this over abundance of hope that I have tried to shove down a few pegs or hide but it just won't seem to budge. And that scares me.
He told me not to be scared of the hope but to hold on to it! I am definitely trying.

It is just that this is so very near my heart. With my whole being I desire to be a mother. To rock my littles in my arms, to kiss those tiny feet. I have wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. In my sister's yearbook where the kids say what they want to be when they grow up, a little boy wrote he wanted to be a mommy. I just love that! He doesn't know yet that he cannot be a mommy, but he knows enough to know they are very special. I have loved on and stolen kisses from the babies I nanny for even if they are not mine. Having children is not something I want just because everyone around me is having them, although this certainly makes it more painful. I have never really been one to want to do what everyone else is doing anyway. I do want to be part of "the crowd" of course, but it goes so much deeper than that. I've never just wanted "to get pregnant." What I want more than anything is to meet my babies.  They are specific. They are wonderful. And they are ours. My Dh and I have had a few names for a few years now and I feel like they are already ours. I sometimes look around our house during the day and wonder what it will be like to call those names and actually hear pitter patters of little feet in our halls. To hear them laugh with their daddy.
I sometimes feel that if I allow myself to feel the full weight of this most precious desire of my heart, that I will just crumble beneath it. So, I leave most of those gushy feelings in a back room that holds that empty, folded up crib, a jogging stroller, and a baby blanket my mom got us with our last name on it. I usually am able to push these feelings down with, "This too shall pass, God's timing is perfect, I'm sure it will happen soon" and all the other phrases I use to distract myself. But what I've realized is that I can feel both sides. I can feel the weight of this desire and at the same time embrace the hope and know that I am buoyed by God's unfailing love.

One thing I know with absolute certainty...our babies will always know how loved they are. They will know that they were hoped for, prayed for and wanted. We will tell them what an incredible gift they are and how long we thought of, and prayed for the day we would meet. I truly feel like I will meet them. Because in my head they are just too wonderful not to ever exist. I sometimes feel they are already here...somewhere...and just because God has not let us meet yet doesn't mean it will never happen.

Okay. Yes, that feels good. I'm sure this seems like a whole lot of crazy at once but I have been holding these things in for so long and I knew they had to come out eventually.

On Saturday my Dh's Gm re-taught me how to crochet. She showed me months ago but I put it down and then couldn't remember. I have now found that it is somewhat addicting. It is a kind of therapy to see those strands weave together and create something new. Once I felt fairly confident with my "practice" piece, I dug through my craft supplies and found some yarn I had bought months ago for some home project. I have made things for other people's children but this?...
This I am going to keep. This will be for my baby. It is green and soft and perfect.
Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but I don't care. I am going to make this blanket and allow myself to feel both. I will feel this huge elephant of hope I have and I will also feel this desire of my heart. I worked on it this morning as I prayed my rosary and the two didn't clash today. Today they were perfectly woven together. Pray. Hope. Crochet. Hello sweet therapy.



I will not lose hope in you, sweet little one. I am making you something because I know I will see you soon and I want you to have something from your mama. I am not yet sure if you will be conceived or adopted but nevertheless you are now and will always be in my heart. I miss you dearly, but I know God is holding you, and you are in the best possible place you can be right now. I will keep fighting for you until God tells me to stop. I love you.


I will not shove hope down anymore. Hope and I are friends now.
I am thankful for this hope.
And for Fall :)


Ps. Anyone needing extra therapy should totally try making something with yarn! I think I really am mesmerized or something..lol. I am going to try to crochet instead of spending time on fb this week, because everyone knows fb is a really dark place anyway, right?! Who's with me?!

Growing

Two nights ago, I was able to talk to my little sister for the first time in a month.

She is going through training for NET (National Evangelization Team) right now in Minnesota.
This is a program where older youth (mostly college age) will go through training and then be put on a team to either stay at one parish or travel the country for a school year all the while ministering to middle school and high school age youth. This is her first time away from home for an extended period of time and it has been an adjustment for her, my parents and youngest sister, and even for me. We have always been pretty good friends in that finish-sentences-laugh-together-silly-sister kind of way and though through college we didn't talk a ton, I always knew I could call her and catch up when needed.

She has been there just right about a month and since their days are packed and are even without their phones for periods of time, we have not been able to talk since she left. I was very glad she was able to call during their laundry time the other day.

I knew NET would do amazing things for her faith and life in general but I have to say I was completely blown away by the change in her even after only a few weeks.

It was so wonderful to hear the joy and excitement in her voice as she recapped her time there. She has always been a good Catholic, involved with church activities, pro-life, outgoing...etc...but she has her faults like everyone else (duh!) and the past months after graduating college have been times of uncertainty for her. Living with my parents. Trying to figure out what to do with life. What to do about her boyfriend. You get the idea.

What I heard on the phone was a girl who has grown tremendously in a short period of time. I started thinking about how we were raised and we are certainly different, but there are certain shortcomings that we both share. It was so amazing to hear her talk about how she has realized there are things she needs to/wants to work on and change about herself. Some of these things, lack of self-discipline, issues with timeliness (my family was always late to everything! Ugh!) are both things we have in common and also things that she has never before seen as a real problem.

I started thinking about God and how He of course knows us, knows our hearts, and puts us in situations where we can grow into the people he wants us to be. For me, it has been my dear husband, and for her, NET. I have struggled with those things forever and God in his wisdom put me with an amazing man who succeeds in places I fall short. He has encouraged me to keep trying and in the process, I have taught him patience :) as well as tact in expressing himself. I say these things not to speak ill of my sister, my Dh, or even put myself down, but to say that we are all children of God that struggle with different things, and I think it is just beautiful that He puts people and experiences in our lives that help us improve. As a priest said on one retreat I went to "Be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet!" So true! We are forever a work in progress. She is too, of course. But I thought it was such a neat moment to hear her say that she is ready to work on those things that I have been working on since Dh and I have been married.

Another thing that struck me..

She knows that God has called her to this ministry for a reason and she wants to focus on serving him with her whole heart. She misses home, her boyfriend, our family, but she is trying to keep her heart in the right place. She was talking about how much she desires to be a wife and a mother and that it is easy to jump ahead to thinking about what will happen after this is over. (She is head over heels for this nice, Catholic boy and would totally marry him anytime, I think ;) She said she has prayed that God will take away those desires for a time so she can concentrate on her mission at this time, and if these things are not what He desires for her, that He will take them completely. This made me think of the times I have thought of my own desires to be a mother and prayed that God will help me to desire the things that He wants for me. I have talked to my sister about our struggle with IF, and I know she tries to understand, but while I was getting married and thinking about these things, she was in college and going out with friends and such. We were just in such different places in our life.
This was one of the first times in quite a while I felt like I could really relate to her and she to me. We finally have something that unites us in our lives that is a little deeper than liking the same music and movies.

After I got off the phone, I really felt that I had been on a mini retreat myself! Listening to her growing faith and excitement was inspiring to me and made me so thankful that God puts us right where we need to be.

Every heartache, every uncertainty, disappointment and pain God can and will use to unite us to him in our suffering, and help us to grow in holiness. If there is one thing IF has taught me, it's that every single person has a cross to bear. Something they are working through or dealing with. IF is such a silent struggle that you just never know who may be going through the same thing. Perhaps the person at the store who seems either uninterested in helping you or even unkind has just received another BFN or is on their Nth treatment. There are times you just want so badly for someone to understand. This community has been a blessing in that way. For a moment in our phone conversation, I got a glimpse of something more. A common goal. A shared struggle.  Even if it's not IF related, I at least hope that dealing with IF has made me a more compassionate person.

The waiting, the disappointments, the jealousy, crying, and uncertainty that go hand in hand with IF can all suck it. But the things I hope I bring with me after leaving this Island are compassion for others struggles, and a fierce live-for-the-moment-grateful-for-blessings attitude towards life.
I am praying that whatever God wishes us to have that he will place the proper desires in our hearts.
No matter how long it takes, or what he has in store, His plan will be the best one, but sometimes
it is nice to know you are not in a struggle alone.

I've been doing so much keep-you-up-at-night thinking about everything lately. It is nice to have a place to attempt to untangle those thoughts.



I am thankful for the people that God gives us
to help us grow.
I am thankful for my sister. For what God is
doing in her life. And I am quite proud of her.

Returning to blogland

I think it's time to come back.


I didn't intend on taking such a long break after my last post...it just sort of happened.


I've had many topics I could have written about that have been swirling in my head for weeks, but nothing ever seemed to make it into a post.  I've had lots of time to think and though I am still working through a few things, I do believe I'll be able to sort it out enough to write more in depth for posts in the coming weeks.

 I'll start with a very good thing.

Last Wednesday was our third anniversary!! Three years down and looking forward to 238,712 more lovely ones to come. Well, I would settle for 75 I suppose.
A few pics from a few years ago.

We started the celebrations the weekend before with a "reverse date"! My Dh is so awesome and knows how much I love dessert. We I have been wanting to try this sweets place where you can make ice cream sandwiches by picking any kind of cookie and ice cream you want. The past few dates, we have eaten dinner first and then been too full/tired to go for dessert.
So, Saturday, despite the rain, we went to the sweet place first and then to dinner after. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart, got the Hunger Games (which had just come out!) and went home for our movie. It was so lovely and nice to do something different for a change!

Then on Wednesday, our actual anniversary, we went downtown for another nice evening.

I have to say, in the midst of things that go wrong, are unexpected or difficult, it was sure nice to spend the whole week being thankful for the biggest blessing God has given us...our marriage. (Thankful everyday of course, though)
We have had our ups and downs and I can honestly say that this third year has been our best yet! We have worked through so much and I cannot even believe how blessed we are to have each other. (goeswithoutsayingbutIwillanyway... I crazy love this man!!:) Going into our fourth year I have such high hopes that God will continue to bless us.  I pray that no matter what happens (good, bad, ugly, or fantastic) I will be able to approach each situation or even challenge with the mindset that God loves us, we have our lives, and we have each other. There are no guarantees in life, and I want more than anything to wake up everyday thinking of our haves and not the have-nots.

With that said, we would love nothing more on this earth than to be blessed with a child. When I left off last I believe I had just finished my last bloodwork appointment. At my doctors appointment, he said that most of my hormones look fine, except for that darn progesterone. Apparently it starts out okay and then drops after the peak time. He prescribed clomid for days 5-9 and then I will start HCG injections on P+3, P+5, 7, and 9.  I am definitely a bit nervous about having shots at home. When I had the HCG booster before, it was only one shot and it was done by a nurse. My Dh has said he will do them, but I just want to make sure and not mess anything up! If nothing happens in three months, he will send me to Austin for surgery. I think this would be to check and see if my tubes are open, no endo and that sort of thing. I am pretty hopeful it will not come to that but who knows. I don't want to totally psych myself up to be completely let down either!

 As nervous as I am about the shots, I say...bring it on!! I am definitely glad to have a new game plan, and besides if this is what it takes to get to meet our sweet babies, then I will gladly do it! I am even glad that there was some sort of problem. I would hate for them to say, "Don't see anything wrong, not sure what to do with you!" 

Lord knows I have had my meltdowns in the past weeks. Those times I know it is only Jesus that holds me because normally I am by myself when it hits me out of nowhere. I am grateful for my life, for my wonderful husband of three years, and feel in my heart that God would not give me this desire to be a mother without something coming from it. If not biological, then adopted (and maybe even both anyway) and if not that, then nannying, and if not that then just loving the heck our of my nieces and nephews and any other children I can find.

I haven't been commenting much lately, but I have certainly kept you in my prayers through your individual ups and downs. My heart has both rejoiced and broken with many things I have read recently. Through it all, I am still thankful for this community.

Thank your for your prayers for me too. I appreciate it more than you know!


A lot of thanks was already in this post,
 so I'll leave it at that for today.

Random quick updates

1.
I am DONE with my tenth and FINAL bloodwork!!! Last Friday I waited in the little office and greeted those who have taken my blood over the past few weeks for the last time. (Well, for a while at least..)
I am SO happy to be finished with this part. It has gone pretty well overall. I only really freaked out on the P+7 when they pulled out 5 vials instead of 1! My stomach flopped over and I had a meltdown when I got back in the car. Really though, I've been pretty positive and I am just holding tightly to the reason I'm doing this and pray good will come from it!
My next appt with Dr P is the 27th and I am anxious/hopeful/nervous to get those results and hopefully get some new plan of action.


2. We had a family reunion for Dh's Side last weekend and it was SO much fun!! We drove down to a tiny TX town and enjoyed family fun, food, and winning prizes for the day. (Our crew totally dominated the raffle..guess we should buy some lotto tickets with our luck! ;)
It definitely brought up lots of emotions. Basically I felt an overwhelming mix of happy and sad all at once and I teared up but was fortunately able to calm down quickly. I felt extremely blessed to be part of such a lovely family and watched and listened as family members introduced themselves and their children. I so enjoyed listening Dh's GM and her sisters speak of days past and answer questions about what life was like "back in the day." It was a wonderful reminder to be thankful for the modern conveniences we have today and a great way to gain from the wisdom of a few ladies who knew what it was to do things the hard way and work together as a family. Looking around the room, I was in awe of how the love of two people can grow such a huge family tree and create so many other branches.  I can only hope and pray that Dh and I will be blessed with little ones to branch off and spread their love in the world. I am fascinated by this possibility!

3. We live in a newer edition and we have had open space on one side for two years now. I was so sad to see that they are now building right next door and yesterday sounded something like an earthquake and a thunderstorm were competing for who could be the loudest. Even had a rock flipped up by the thing that tills the ground and hit our kitchen window! Grrr...I just hope we get nice neighbors!!

4. Today I am cleaning our dreadfully disorganized office!! I have done this many times before but things always seem to fall apart again in this room after a few months. This is in part due to our mutual dislike of sorting mail and partly to my habit of bringing hope stray picture frames, vases, and various other thrift store finds which seem to fill up the space quickly.  I cleaned it once when Dh was out of town for a week and I was so proud to surprise him with the difference when he returned home. He was excited too...and then proceeded to rearrange the desk and shelves in there thus making everything a mess again. Ha, oh well. :) Maybe this time it will stick..sure hope so!

5. This past weekend we were visiting family again, this time to see some extended family of mine in AR. It is not very often that we are able to see them and it was SO nice to get to spend some time talking to aunts, uncles, and cousins who are some of my favorite people in the world! Among my family members, they are the fun, devoted Catholic, easy to talk to even after a long while people that I wish lived just a bit closer. I will most likely spend another post talking about our trip, but for now I'll just say that it was a breath of fresh air that was so enjoyed by both of us.

6. Thank you for those who commented with your advice on my last post! I really do appreciate your comments so much!!  I will definitely visit Dr. H's site for more info and continue to research vacuums.

7. Mini date downtown with Dh tonight after he finishes his super long bike ride after work (60 miles, yikes!)   Happy Monday!! :)



Thankful for plenty of space in our lovely house to mess up,
and for washers and dryers to clean all the laundry from our trip!
I can't imagine doing everything "the hard way" like our grandparents!!

So many (random) questions, so little time!

Hello there ladies!

Today I have questions for you. I know that there are many different people out there with different experiences and expertise so I have been thinking about a few things lately and just wondered if y'all have any advice.

First and most importantly, I have questions about two different friends of mine.

The first is the lady with the twins that I nanny for. I have been with this family over two years now and they trust me so I've gotten to know more than a bit about them. The lady, A, from what I understand has really bad endometriosis as well as cysts on her ovaries. She has tried a special diet that is supposed to help endo and she says she does feel better when she is on it. Sometimes though the cysts will grow and (I'm not sure how often but it has happened twice since I have been there) rupture. Those days were so awful for her and she went to the hospital because of the pain. I know she has had surgery about a year ago to laser the cysts but I don't think they want to do that again and add even more scar tissue. The most recent rupture was a few weeks ago and I think she said her doctors are going to want to put her on Lupron (I believe) to help things. They are not Catholic and did IVF to get their twins and do not plan to do it again. I know her doctor has suggested a hysterectomy in the past but she wants to avoid that as long as absolutely possible.

The second lady, M, is the wife of a guy who works with my Dh. They have a girl who is three and a boy who is about 8 months. This family has gone through SO much in the past few years. She has gone into early labor twice now and had her girl around 26wks and her boy at 25wks. We were talking a few weeks ago and she said she read something about progesterone and its importance when she was pg with the boy and asked her doctor about it. He didn't see any use for it and said it wouldn't make a difference. Not wanting to go into pre-term labor like before she got another opinion but he said the same. She said she always wondered if it would have made a difference and would have helped her carry her babies longer. She said they would like to have more kids but she is so afraid it would happen again and they have already spent enough time in the NICU! The little boy has had lots of eating issues but both kiddos are doing pretty well now considering the crazy months after they were born.

 I know Dr. Hilgers has helped so many women and I was just curious if any of you have had, or known of someone with similar situations. Do you know of any articles I could pass along that might help them? I am certainly no expert and I am not even sure of all the services Dr. Hilgers offers which is why I am asking for advice. Neither of them are Catholic, but I think if I were them, I would just want the best possible care and to know that I left no stone unturned. I just want to be prepared if the topics ever come up again! Thanks in advance, y'all!


And now for the less important question...

I am in the market for a new vacuum! We got a cordless Linx when we got married and I have  enjoyed how lightweight it is as well as not dragging a cord around the house. Now, though, I am totally DONE with this thing! About every third time I use it, it gets clogged and I end up on the floor with tiny screws spread all around me while I try to jam this twisted cord contraption down into the thing to try to pull out the clogged dog hair. Definitely NOT my favorite way to spend the day. We have a golden/lab mix that sheds like crazy (understatement!) and this vacuum is just not getting the carpet as clean as I would like. Vacuuming is my absolute favorite chore to do around the house and it is driving me nuts that this one is doing such a poor job. What I would like is a super powerful, hopefully not too heavy, corded, vacuum that works wonders on pet hair with a bucket (not a bag) to empty that will not totally break the bank (I'm hoping for under $200!), maybe even with an attachment for the furniture? Hey, a girl can dream right? So, if any of you know of such a magical vacuum, I hope you will let me know. I have been researching online but wanted some extra advice.


I know that's a lot to ask for one post but I will appreciate any and all feedback!!!

As for ttc, there's not much to update....I have 6 blood draws down and only 4 to go and then hopefully we can get some REAL answers about what is going on with me and how to fix it!!



Silly as it may sound, today I am thankful for my pup
who gives me motivation for morning walks and company
during the day (even if she does have a serious shedding
problem!;)
Also thankful for a summer that has been hot, but certainly
not unbearable! (Can't believe it's July and most days are
still under 100 degrees! Thank you Jesus!)

Really?!

Are you seriously kidding me, AF??!
I cannot start my bloodwork until CD5 and I cannot get to CD5 if you won't just come already!!

I have HAD IT with you and your ridiculous antics so will you please stop tormenting me with this pre-CD1 spotting and just start for real!! UGH.

I hate over-analyzing everything!
I just want to be done with this last cycle and move on so we can get some answers!

I even give you permission to come this time and then you have to make it that much harder by messing with my mind.

Do.
Not.
Need.
This.
Right now.

I am SO over you, AF.

Feels good to write that down somewhere. Do NOT like being extra emotional. Sorry to be a downer...




Thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I'm not patient at all.

Father's Day

I wasn't expecting to need a post to talk about Father's Day.

Sure, Mother's Day I was all prepared to experience the pain, emptiness, and longing that any IFer dreads on the day that celebrates moms.  But Father's Day would be different (so I thought).

I woke and the first thing Dh says is that he got an email wishing him a happy father's day from a local prolife group complete with an image of a dad holding a little one.
"That was a low blow," he said.  The message meant no harm, of course, but for a couple who has been praying, dreaming, hoping for such a little blessing, it was difficult.

The feelings came up again in Mass when at the end the priest called for all fathers, grandfathers, soon-to-be fathers, and.....godfathers to stand up to receive a blessing. I felt so awful just like I did on Mother's Day and so in the moment I nudged Dh that he should stand since he is a godfather. I said that D (our godson) would want him to. When he sat back down, he said it just didn't feel right and  neither of us could hide our sadness after that.

In the car on the way home he started talking about his Grandpa who passed away a few years ago. His Gm and Gp raised him and his sister and brother so this was the only father he had known. We talked about what an amazing man he was and how much he taught him and then Dh called his Gm to let her know we were thinking about her. He then got excited and wanted to text his BIL who just found out he was going to be a dad a few weeks ago (see last post) and said how happy he was for him. Then he called his brother who has our sweet godson, and who will also have a baby girl in November.  There is a picture that I took of Dh's brother in the hospital holding D when he was born and the love you can see in his face is a look that I just cannot wait to see from my Dh. I just know he has the capacity to love our own children with everything he has.

He has such an amazing heart. Always willing to help anyone at a moment's notice and he just so wonderful with kids! Now, I love being a nanny and spending time with small ones, but if we go somewhere with new children, he is always the one that gets them to open up first. Next thing I know, he will be on the floor with a play stethoscope around his neck assessing the stuffed patient of a toddler. (Definitely a big kid himself and I love it!) He sometimes says that kids do not like him till they are two. I know this is the age when they are easier to play with but I know he will learn how to snuggle with a newborn when we have one.
I see him with his cousins.
I see it when he's talking to my 12 year old sister.
I see him with our nephew.
Heck, I even see him "snuggle" with our dog and I think about what a great dad he will be.
(We have a big 'ol furball who regularly sits on Dh's recliner with him. 45 pounds is NOT a lap-dog by the way! She is definitely his "baby" at the moment..ha.)

We have talked before about the people he works with and how having a baby for some is something just plain undesired. We were unfortunate enough to be at one of his co-workers' house for a football game shortly after they found out they were pg. We were even more unlucky that his wife decided it would be a grand time to show everyone the video of when she told her husband they were pregnant. (Seriously?!)
I believe his reaction was something to the tune of "holy s*#!  and he didn't mean it in a good way.
UGH.
My Dh then for months had to listen to this guy talk of how "his time" was over and how he wouldn't have any more fun after the baby was born.

I cannot wait till I can tell him the best news ever and see the look on his face! Our lives will never be the same, but it certainly will not be the "end of fun" as some people see it. Will it be challenging?
Of course!!! It will be a huge life change and I'm sure it will take plenty of time adjusting to a life with sleepless nights and mountains of diapers. But I also know that it will be the most incredible moment when we become a family of three and we are able to welcome a living blessing into our home.

I am normally the one more easily discouraged and disheartened by IF, but I have definitely seen little glimpses of how much my Dh wants this as well. I feel better when I think of something that makes the wait seem worth it such as, more time as a married couple, more time to get finances in order, more time for Dh to finish his master's program. I have told him before that maybe God wanted us to wait so he can get his degree and then have more free time to spend with a baby. We know that everything happens for a reason and that God's timing is more perfect than anything we could hope for ourselves....but some days it just feels like it is just that much more time until we get to meet the little person who already seems a part of our family. In our hearts they sure are. We already have the names and all we need are the faces! It is such a bizarre feeling loving someone you've never met and being not sure that you ever will. All we can do is hope and pray that someday we will.

I said before that I still feel quite positive lately and that I feel our time is coming sooner than later.
 I will begin my labs in a week or two and I know that we are headed in the right direction with an awesome doctor. We have also talked about adoption lately and I know that we are open to it, but pray that God will fling that door wide open if that is what He wants so there will be no doubt.

I have been more determined than ever lately to not sit and waste this time of waiting away. I do NOT want to be lazy! I am going to do all I can to make sure I can be the best wife, sister, daughter, Catholic I can be so that when God entrusts a little one to me, I can be the best mama possible! The prospect is scary and exciting all at the same time. Dh and I will surely be imperfect messes, but I pray that God will help us be good parents, and our wait with IF will ensure that we will not take any moments for granted.



I am thankful today for my awesome hubby
and pray we get to celebrate him as a dad soon.


"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. "
 -Albert Einstein

Over the freaking MOON

with excitement for my dear sister FMTP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Umm, hello miracle baby!!


This is literally the only thing I have been able to think about since they told Dh and I on Saturday morning. Everything I do and start thinking is quickly interrupted by....HOLY COW, J is HAVING A BABY!!!

 Pregnancy announcements are usually so difficult to hear but this one was met with tears of pure surprise and joy and jumping up and down and ohmygoodnessisthisreallyhappening???! They have waited, prayed, cried, wondered, hoped and been through SO much and I am just beyond myself with JOY for this sweet, wonderful couple.

I will probably never ever understand God and His timing, but I know now the amazing feeling that can come from success after a long IF struggle. And it is not even happening to me! I am only feeling this secondhand and it only makes me more excited than ever for when our big day comes. I have read many of your blogs who have had exciting news to share recently and so I hope these miracles keep spreading to those of you who are still waiting..

This is the biggest dose of hope I have had in a loooong time.  This is seriously like hope crack to me and I will probably be bugging her quite often for a fresh supply.

I have told her before that when I pray for all of us to conceive, I have prayed for her boat to come first, but that mine won't be too far behind ;)

Now hers has come and I am praying that God will let us all meet this sweet little soul in 9 months.




Today I am thankful to God that He has blessed this family.
Praying he will keep mama and baby safe and healthy.
And thankful for the reminder that miracles DO happen.




Ps. Thank you for the prayers for my appt on Friday. It was too late to start testing this cycle, so I will begin the full cycle bloodwork next time. Was a bit disappointed that we cannot start right away, but God's timing is perfect, right?

A few days, a few pictures

Thank you THANK YOU for your sweet comments and birthday wishes! I always love reading what y'all have to say :) I did have a wonderful week and like I said before, I'm really thinking this is going to be a great year! I suppose I sort of feel how you would January 1st...the start of a new year...new chapter.
Even though the place we planned on going to was closed, we found a new place and still got to go dancing. My bday celebrations included family, friends, lots of yummy food, chocolate, my favorite color balloons and.....wait for it.....

a magician! Random? Absolutely. However, I did find out I am strong enough to bend a penny in my hand! (My favorite trick ;)





Dancin' attire.

    



















Memorial Day is always such a wonderful opportunity to be extra prayerful and thankful of all who serve our country! I think about them often but am always thankful for the extra reminder.  Dh and I each have cousins who are deployed at the moment and we are praying especially they come home safe. I am just floored when I hear of what they've gone through already or stories of what Dh went through when he was in Iraq. Definitely nothing I will ever experience in my life.
"Thank you" is just not sufficient for their sacrifices.

Weekend sky.

Aaaaaand, I am very proud to announce that I can now check "Capture Lightening" off my bucket list!  It stormed last night and into this morning and I was so excited to get this picture when I was driving to work! (Don't worry, I was extra careful ;) I have been wanting to do this for some time and though this won't stop me from trying to get a better shot at some point, for now, I am satisfied.

 I have my appointment tomorrow morning at 10am! This month of charting dragged on, so I am excited it is here and I am so ready to start this bloodwork and get a new game plan!


 I know that there are no guarantees in life, so I am thankful for this
new year God has given me and pray I will use it to..
not take one moment for granted
trust God AND His timing
appreciate even more the people in my life
tell them so.
  


As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest
appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.  ~John
Fitzgerald Kennedy

Reasons to be happy even though it's CD1...

--Dh came home with these pretties yesterday..




Love gerbera daisies :)


--He has a FOUR day weekend! Even though parts of it have been hard work, we've been able to be together all day. My aunt gave us a ton of shrubs that they didn't want so we're planting them around our fence line. I don't think it would have been nearly so difficult if not for our ridiculously rocky soil! We've been pulling these monster rocks out of the ground and seriously wishing we had a pick axe! We got 8 done today so only 12 left! (ugh...ha)


--It's a pizza, beer and movie night!



--So you think you can dance comes back on tonight! Yes, I am a sucker for any sort of singing or dancing reality shows and no, I'm not making Dh watch it with me ;)


--And last but not least....
Tomorrow is my birthday!!! I really love birthdays (or birthday weeks as we normally stretch it out that long). I will be 26 tomorrow and I am really pretty excited about it.
Call me crazy but I have this feeling that 26 is going to be a really great year. Maybe its just the excitement of feeling like a new chapter is starting but I am definitely looking forward to finding out what God has in store.


"When you believe in God's plan for your life, every age is the perfect age to be!"
-not sure who said this...it's in Dh's GM's house ;)



Well, I'm going to enjoy my super healthy dinner. (Yay for calories not counting during birthday week!!)


I am thankful for....
Everything listed above! :)





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:..a perfect age to be

Girly-ness

Well, that's that. Another Mother's Day down.

Celebrated 3 grandmas and a momma, 4 cards, 4 flower arrangements, 1 Mother's Day blessing at mass, and a bulletin with a beautiful image of Mary and Jesus on the front that said Happy Mother's Day, my GM asking me when it will be my turn for a M's Day...
All of that I managed fine and didn't even get emotional all day, and yet it was the momma with baby in front of me at the grocery store yesterday that nearly did me in.

Go figure, right?

Apparently facing an under 3 month, perfect toed, sweet faced little one causes my judgement to go hazy because then I start wondering things like if kidnapping would still be considered a felony if the baby gets a really great home??
I kid, of course, but OH those pink, perfect toes!!
Anyhow...

This weekend was busy, but good with a wedding Saturday night and M's Day festivities. The wedding was one of the fanciest I had ever been to! (Think 17th floor and chandeliers.) My only complaint was the lack of country music to dance to. Our dance moves are rather limited so we found ourselves two stepping to Sinatra but oh well. We have fun no matter what :) This event also gave me a chance to wear bright red lips.
I'm totally not normally one to get excited about makeup but I have to say that Maybelline's 24hr super stay really did the trick! I've never had something stay on all night without it getting weird or fading (even after eating, drinking, kissing.. ;)

I got my hair cut on Friday too, so I was trying out all sorts of new on Saturday.





New shorter cut and more bangs this time.





And here are the flower arrangements I made for my Mom, both of my GMs, and Dh's GM.




Good thing I like doing flowers!


I was definitely thinking of all of you who are mommas now and praying this will be the last year for those of us who are waiting to be mommas!

Well, I've never really thought of myself as a particularly "girly" girl, but then I realize this post is all about flowers, makeup, hair....good grief. ;)



Thankful for the perfect weather last night that allowed Dh and I to sit out in
our open garage last night to watch the Rangers. It's the little things..

Breakthrough

Three babies born and three pg announcements (one with their THIRD baby, married the same year we were) in the past two weeks. Wow.

That's not what this post is about, but I just had to get that out of the way first.

I am a little behind on reading and commenting but I am trying to catch up. These past few weeks have been extremely difficult as well as emotionally draining, and it hasn't even been because of IF.

It's been my marriage.

I thought quite a while about whether or not I would post about this..last week, I almost wrote a,
"please pray for us, things are really not so great right now" post, but I didn't.
Apparently I can post all day about IF and the hardships/emotions that go along with it but I am finding it difficult to admit that my marriage is anything but fantastic. Even to (mostly) complete strangers! I decided to write a post about it after all to sort through emotions and to just be able to talk about it in general. I have felt so alone (and even embarrassed to be in this situation) and have not wanted to open up about this to anyone IRL. I never wanted to speak poorly of my Dh or bring it up that I couldn't handle it.
As the title would suggest though, this story does have a happy ending, and that is really the only reason why I am able to write this at all.

For as long as we have been married, we have worked to combine mindsets, ideas, expectations, from 20+ years before meeting each other. This is nothing new. Two people coming together who have been molded with completely different habits and ways of thinking and doing things and it is the idea that you will both take what you know from each and figure out how to do things from there. Every married couple goes through this.

The semi-short version is that I have certain things I have struggled with my entire life. One of them is timeliness. My whole family has traditionally been late to nearly every event over the years and as you could guess, this made things quite difficult when I married a 'even one minute late means complete failure principle of the matter, Marine.' I do not blame him for this...it is how he was raised and taught and I actually admire this quality in him so much!  (I mean, could you imagine how messed up it would be having kids and TWO of us who couldn't be on time?!)

I have tried to correct this terrible bad habit for years and just keep coming up short. I have certainly put my poor Dh through quite a lot over the years and I am not pleased with myself because of it. My lack of time management skills have been a major source of tension for as long as we've been together. Let me just say though that I have always agreed with his intentions of helping me to be on time/responsible/courteous of others' time, etc.. (things I very much want to improve in myself) ...I have only disagreed with his methods and how he has gone about "helping" me do this.
(There is more to this story, but I don't think it is necessary to explain every single detail)

Two thoughts have always pulled at me very hard in opposite directions...
The first, a loud voice saying to myself..."Why can't you just be on time and gets things done when you are supposed to? Why can't you just change?? What the hell is wrong with you??!
The second, a more subdued voice saying..."I don't deserve to be treated like this. I know this is not how things should be."

These voices have repeated themselves over and over again and I could never seem to reconcile them.
Things had been so good earlier this year. Everything, it seemed, had clicked into place and we were just so happy together.  Things started to fall apart again about a month ago.

Hurtful things were said. Many, many tears and conversations and prayers. Things got better, but the sting of the words was still there. To feel better I would have to tell myself, "God still loves me.."

One day last week I was driving to pick him up and sitting in traffic I realized I was going to be late.
I started having a panic attack. Or at least I think that's what it was.
I started having trouble breathing, felt light headed, my arm and legs and one small spot on my stomach started tingling and then went numb. I thought I was going to have to pull over but I was afraid of being even later than I already was so I kept going.

My self esteem was very low. My stress way up. And there was absolutely no one I wanted to open up to.

Then, this past Sunday, we had a breakthrough.

We had a conversation full of ups and downs but we were able to keep it together...
I very calmly said that I feel like a project instead of a person..not like his wife, but like a problem to be solved.  I told him that I know I've put him through a lot and that I have issues, but what I need from him are encouragement and prayers, not him constantly trying to "fix" me. I have felt like his love and respect for me are solely dependent on whether I have checked everything off of my to-do list for the day. I know without a doubt that he loves me no matter what, but I told him I want to feel like it as well.
For whatever reason, this time, after many many conversations, it made an impact.
I could tell immediately that he was sorry for how he had been treating me and he said so.
I know that it wasn't just a "I need to be nicer to you" that was normally said lightheartedly. It was truly genuine. 
I have two quotes that I wrote on a piece of paper and gave to him.
"Be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet!"
And,
"God loves you just the way you are today, but he loves you much too much to let you stay that way."
I told Dh that is how I hope things can go from now on. I want to be loved unconditionally, but I also want encouragement to become the person God has called me to be. To never stop growing. Improving. I hope I never get to the point where I think I am perfect and no longer have any need to improve. I have a tremendous desire to become that good, holy, organized, timely wife that I should be. However, I need to know that you still love me even if I didn't iron enough shirts for the week, or didn't make it to the grocery store that day.

I can say that I am extremely happy about the way things have been just in the few days since this happened. The change has been so amazingly freeing. It feels like a weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders!   He knows that he can stop trying to "fix" me and leave that up to God, and I can set my own goals and improve without any panic attacks or fear of being called a failure.

He really is such an amazing man and I know God put us together for a reason. We would always joke and say that he needs to learn from me to stop and smell the roses and I need to learn from him to not stop and smell them all day long ;) We have had SO much fun in these past few days and even though I know we will still have hard times in the future, I know that we will go about things much differently. Loving each other for who we are, and at the same time, encouraging the other to be better...to strive for holiness. To build each other up, not tear each other down. I KNOW that we have both been changed for good! Thank you Lord!

And, I might add, that I have been on time/early to work the past 5 times in a row! Though this may not seem like much to some (I am ashamed to say this is definitely NOT the norm for me), it is certainly a good start. It takes constant vigilance on my part and a "you don't have time for that, your first priority right now is to be on time" mantra in my head while getting ready. I am hoping and praying to keep up this winning streak! I truly want to change and be someone people can count on and be proud of and even to set a good example for our future little ones!

Despite this trying time, we have both learned a lot and for better or worse it is part of our story.
Dh and I are definitely not perfect, but I am more optimistic about our future than I have ever been, and I NEVER want to revisit the place we were.
I wanted to write this all out, mostly for a bit of closure for me. To get it all out, and then move on. I also, in a weird way, like explaining this certain weakness of mine for increased accountability. (As if anyone ever believed I was even close to perfect, you now know the truth ;)
I may even delete this at some point but for right now I feel better getting it all out of the way.
I cannot help but believe that God absolutely knows what he is doing and that when He does choose to bless us with children, we will be all the better for the time He gave us while waiting.



Today I am thankful for new beginnings. For struggles that help us grow, and for a wonderful Dh who is willing to get through the "not so fun" to continue to grow and find joy with me.

Still not friends..

..with aunt flow.

She is that ridiculous, smelly next door neighbor who comes to my door every single month bringing the same brussel sprout stew and then tells me she hates my shoes
despite the fact that I have told her repeatedly that her insults and disgusting dinner are just not welcome.

Ugh.

I got a fb message today from a friend from high school that I don't really talk to much anymore that said..

"I had a crazy dream last night that you were pregnant. Anything you want to tell me?!???! Hope all is well!"

I immediately start thinking..oh my goodness, what if I am pregnant?! What an awesome story that would be and I can't wait to tell my friends and family and the whole world and I have had such crazy dreams lately maybe they are crazy pg dreams and...
Approximately 4.37 seconds later I realize that AF has arrived.
No joke.
Seriously super timing.

Anyways, then I start thinking of what it will be like to be in pain or sick or tired for a really great reason (like for actually being pg, or in labor, or tired being up at night with a little one) and I remember why I go through this every month.

Not just dealing with CD1s over and over, but why I put myself through the...hopeful, excited, this could be it emotions that turn into, not this time, and let down emotions..

Because someday it will be worth it. Because someday I will see those two pink lines and jump for joy. Because someday I will hold my sweet baby love in my arms and wonder how life could be any better. And because someday, at some point, I will most likely be near total exhaustion with a messy household and need encouraging...

And that once infertile lady of my past life will whisper in my ear how very lucky and blessed I am.
And I will remember that it WAS worth it all along.

So, even though today was really rather not so great, I am looking forward to that day in the future where I can look back and actually be thankful for this cross.
This cross that taught me to endure pain and to be strong and to find joy in the most unlikely circumstances.

And on that day, when the old me reminds the new me to be thankful, I will take her advice.


God knows what He is doing and I know He has not given us this cross without reason.

Praying tonight that He will continue to keep reminding me of this (as I tend to have a very short term memory)


Thankful tonight for extra hugs from Dh, Reese's (my favorite!) cookies, and a W for the Rangers!! ;)




Just wanted to end with something pretty. (obsessed with collages at the moment..)

Goodnight!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 points if you can guess...

...what I brought home yesterday.

I'll give you a hint. It's something you would never expect someone trying to have a baby would get before getting that BFP.
...

I got a crib!

Sounds funny to say that! Ha!

Well, you may remember that I am a nanny for a family with twins . They are 2 1/2 and have been in big kid beds for a while now. The lady I work for, A, is giving one crib to her sister and she offered the other one to me! I thought about it for a while and tried to decide whether or not having a crib but no baby in the house would make me sad, depressed, etc..

I finally just said...what the heck, Why not?! It's a free crib! And I'm using this opportunity to practice being super positive and trusting God and his timing. Who knows? I may get to put it to use sooner than I think! I talked to Dh and he said, "well, we're not going to set it up right, because that would be pretty weird to explain to people."Ha! Of course not. It will remain in its current state (in pieces) until we get some super fantastic news ;) Anyhow, we now have our very first baby item, and it is patiently waiting in our back room to be filled.

In other news, I have been having the most bizarre (and sometimes scary) dreams! On Monday night, I had two in a row which were dreadful (I won't go into details) back to back and I woke up after the second totally freaked out!  Last night, I dreamed I was in this small town I had never heard of before. It was a much longer dream, but I'll skip to the end..

We were going into this small diner for dinner and for some reason I had 2 cartons of ice cream and brought them in with me. I was walking by the front counter when a lady that worked there said, "that's fine, but just make sure no one else eats your ice cream or you'll be screwed."

For some reason, I knew she was talking about our infertility...like if someone were to eat my ice cream, we wouldn't be able to have kids (so weird!) I kept walking and put my stuff down at the table where Dh was sitting with some random other people and then left again to use the restroom. When I came back, I could see that some girl was EATING MY ICE CREAM!!! I actually do know this girl IRL and she has a little baby girl but I guess she didn't yet in this crazy scenario. I was SO incredibly angry and upset all at once I wanted to run over there and punch her!  I turned and walked outside, trying to calm down and fully prepared to walk home when I saw how dark the sky was. Then I saw that a funnel cloud was stretching down to the ground right in front of me!!  (y'all may have heard of the 12 tornadoes that ripped through North TX a few weeks ago..guess it was still on my mind)
The huge black cloud grew even bigger and swirled around to the other side of the diner. For a moment I was frozen but then all I could think of was my Dh still inside. I rushed back in only to see the giant tornado through the big glass windows on the other side of the diner. My husband was at the other end, still eating, and no one saw what was happening. There was no time and I was the only one that could warn them. I tried to yell and...

Nothing came out.

I was totally panicking and then I YELLED....
.....

And woke myself up. And my husband. Because I actually caused myself to yell out in real life. I was still trying to shake myself from the dream and I could hear Dh say, "what the heck!"
He says I yelled something like "COAT!" but I assure him that what I was trying to say was.. "GETAWAYFROMTHEWINDOWS!!"

Ice cream. Infertility. Tornadoes. My subconscious is weird.


Needless to say, I am really hoping to have some good, calm dreams about puppies or sunsets soon.

Thank y'all for your encouragement after my last crazy person post. I am feeling better but definitely still working many things out in my head. I know your prayers help so much though so thank you!
As for my appointment, it went really well! It's always a wonderful thing when your doctor wears a precious feet pin and you leave his office with holy cards and 2 miraculous medals :)

I had stopped charting a while back when we started with Dr. H (not Hilgers, and not Catholic..fyi)
because it wasn't really necessary. The new Dr. P wants me to start charting again and when I have a cycle to show him, he will order a full set of labs (he said 10 blood draws during my cycle) to see what things look like throughout. I've never really particularly liked charting but I know it is necessary and I am certainly excited about a new plan of action. 

Well, that's all for now, and I'm off to do not so fun things (like researching electricians..boo), and fun things as well (like a craft day with my mama and youngest sister :)



Today I am thankful for our awesome, Catholic doctor and
for a new path to follow!
Today I am also thankful for our beautiful home.
Even though things break sometimes, I know
how blessed we are!

Drifting.

Oh so many things going through my head!!

Had a slight freak out moment yesterday. I felt like I was floating in a sea of uncertainty and I couldn't get a grasp on anything...

What am I doing??
What should I be doing??
What does God want me to do/who does He want me to be?
Where do I go from here?!

I had to slow down and literally go through all the things that I absolutely know to be true.

My name is _____. I am a child of God. He loves me more than I could ever imagine and wants me to be happy. I am married to an amazing man who also loves me so very much. I am a wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, sis-in-law, cousin, friend, godmother, nanny, etc...and I desire to be a mother with all my heart.

I haven't worked my nanny jobs at all this week due to sickness on my part, and other things going on with my nanny families. The house is pretty darn clean (trying to be a good wife!) and I find myself just wondering what I'm actually doing and what I am supposed to do? Just in life. In general. Feeling a little without a purpose this week I suppose. Most days I absolutely love going to nanny and taking care of these kids that mean so much to me and other days I am reminded that they are not mine. And it just doesn't quite get there for me. I also love photography and am learning more and trying to decide if this is a direction I actually want to pursue as a way of bringing in income. Then I think of how many others try to do this, wonder if I could possibly be good enough, remember how little I know about running a business...and this notion goes out the window once more. I am also passionately pro-life, and have been quite active in the past, but have since fallen away from the "super-involved" person that I once was.

Definitely took a step back from things when the reality that getting pregnant was going to take more work than just "getting lucky" set in. 

Despite the fact that I pray everyday my life will soon change in a big way when dh and I become parents, my life will not begin when I become a mama. God has given me my life today and he wants me to use it to the full and to live for right now. For today. Period. I think I remember a quote somewhere that worrying robs today of its joy and I certainly do not want that.
 
Even scarier, I will not magically change into the best version of myself overnight. I will have the same faults I have right now...I will be a disorganized, untimely, sometimes scattered.....mama. And that sometimes scares the heck out of me!!
I want so badly to be the woman, wife, and (please someday God!) mama that He wants me to be but I have to remember that getting there takes time. Falling teaches us to pick ourselves up. And this feeling of floating around shows me that I need to anchor myself to Christ more than ever!  Dh and I are doing amazing praying the Divine Mercy Novena every single day and this is quite an accomplishment because I know I can count the novenas I have actually stuck to for a whole nine days without a miss on one hand.


Guess I just felt my faults, my fears and uncertainty a little stronger yesterday than normal.

Adoration yesterday evening after all of these thoughts worked wonders though! I know that I need to pray more and cling to Christ! I know that He has given me many MANY blessings and I trust that He has the plan for my life all worked out. So I am going to work harder on....
Stopping everything to LISTEN to what He is telling me on a day to day basis.
TRUSTING that no matter what I know or do not know about my future, God is already there and there is no need to worry.
KNOWING that I am in this very place for a reason, and that I can use every day God gives me as an opportunity to better myself.

Sorry for the crazy ramble! Does anyone ever feel like this?!  Sometimes I just need to unwind the tangled mess of my mind onto something I can read later and try to decipher.

Tomorrow at 1:30 is our appt with that Dr P and I know it is just a consultation but I am confident that it will help us begin to find the answers we need. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

I very much dislike when my brain goes haywire. I know that I am calming down and I hope to be back trusting, joyful, hoping, loving, appreciating every moment that God gives us very soon! God has all the answers, but I don't have to. God has all the answers, but I don't have to. Repeat to self.

Most importantly I know that even when I feel like I am out to sea without a raft, God is holding me.


Today I am thankful for times like this (even though they are not all that fun)
because they remind me how much I need God in every moment of every day.
Thankful for this mini wake up call. He loves me, and really, isn't that all that
really matters?

Thank you moments

It has been a good Holy week so far!

 I feel Jesus very strongly telling me that He is right here with me. This is obvious of course, but it's always nice when you can take the time to really understand this reality. I know there are many times in life when I don't feel especially "close" to Him for whatever reason and that this is primarily my fault by not seeking Him out and making time for Him. Then there are other times when I see Jesus all around me in the big and not so big moments.
For instance, a few times this week I had a little "Thank you Jesus" moment.

Wednesday I was able to go to confession and I was hoping to get there early since it was my last time to go before Easter! I still ended up waiting about 45 minutes and right when I was done the priest told me that I was the last one. That was close!

Yesterday, I randomly decided to clean out the center console of my car (which I rarely do) and ended up finding a check from a nanny job in February of last year that I had never deposited! (hello organization)
So glad I didn't throw it away with the old receipts and Sonic straw wrappers ;)

Also, I made a friend when I was catching some rays outside yesterday. This butterfly must have mistaken my foot for a flower because he even flew away and came right back to me. I even got him to crawl up on my hand too! This may seem silly but it was just a fun little moment that doesn't ever happen.





Then last night at Good Friday services, my youngest sister (12 yrs) got to sing a solo and she did such a beautiful job I couldn't help but thank Jesus that dh and I were able to be there. So proud of her!

I really love when in the midst of an ordinary day, God gives you a just a little glimpse of something beautiful. Something as if to say "Hey! You may not always notice, but I am here! And I'm taking care of you!"

I am also very excited about beginning the Divine Mercy Novena! Story time...
My dad wasn't raised in any religion or even taught to attend church at all except for maybe once in a blue moon with his grandparents. My mom was raised Catholic and they were married in a church but after that they attended a Methodist church for about ten years. My mom eventually felt the calling to come back to the Catholic church and began taking my sister and me. My dad wasn't very happy about this and would never go to mass with us. One year my mom decided to pray the Divine Mercy Novena for my dad to attend any church at all and she was incredibly surprised when on Divine Mercy Sunday he told her that he wanted to become Catholic! I even forget sometimes that he was ever not Catholic because you would never know by talking to him. Needless to say, this novena has an extra special meaning in our family :)
Now, I am beginning it again this year with dh and I cannot help but feel encouraged and hopeful by something so powerful. I really like the phrase "unfathomable mercy" because even though I know God is gracious and merciful, it is so difficult to really wrap my mind around it!
 Found this quote..

Our Lord said to Saint Faustina:

Encourage souls to say the Chaplet which I have given you
... Whoever will recite it will receive great mercy at the hour of death
... When they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will
stand between my Father and the dying person, not as the Just Judge but
as the Merciful Savior ... Priests will recommend it to sinners as their
last hope of salvation. Even if there were a sinner most hardened, if
he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from my
infinite mercy. I desire to grant unimaginable graces to those souls
who trust in My mercy ... Through the Chaplet you will obtain
everything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will.

 Here is a link to information about it if you wish to participate  
http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/mercy/index.htm

So, if you haven't already, I hope everyone can consider praying this novena and maybe even experience whatever Easter miracle God wishes you to have this year!






A very blessed Easter to you all!



"How much comfort people would find and what happiness even in the midst of trials, if they only believed that everything that happens to them comes from My desire to do them good and that all is fitted to the measure of each one. It would be so simple and so heartwarming for them to contemplate My immense love."
 -from the book He and I