Something for you.

First of all, I must say I am just THRILLED that Fall seems to have come at last! Now I don't want to jinx it or anything, but if this lovely weather will continue, I will be one happy girl indeed :)

With Fall though, seems to have come all the crazy that life can seem to throw at me. I went to bed Saturday night completely physically and emotionally exhausted and slept for about 12 hours! I never do that! I was definitely looking forward to Sunday as a day of relaxing after church.

Mass turned out to be more difficult than I had anticipated. Our priest spoke of difficulties and that no matter what you are going through, you will get through it and you will be okay. That when all you can see is your struggle, try to step back and see the bigger picture. My initial reaction was a bit cocky I guess you could say...I was all.. Yep, IF sure sucks the life out of you, but one day it will end and we will have our family and we'll all be okay. I know that. Because that's what I've been telling myself for a long time.

Then came the songs. Oh, goodness knows I read WAY too much into songs. The first was the Prayer of St. Francis. Beautiful. I love this song. O Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul.
But Sunday what I actually heard was...get over yourself! Everyone has struggles and you need to focus on being the understander not the understood and doing what you can for others and loving those around you with all you have and using the gifts you have now! Of course my mind was going a mile a minute and then the second song....
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. And then this starts...this is it, isn't it?? Is it I, Lord? We're not supposed to ever have kids and I'm just going to have to get over it and carry this cross and love with all my soul and hold His people in my heart but it will never be the same as holding my children and oh my goodness, I'm being so selfish right now!!...
Good grief, someone stop me now!!

Well, a little big dose of humility is good sometimes, right? The big picture and what I've taken from my moments of madness is that if God doesn't bless us with children, we will be okay. I know this deep down because He loves us. Of course I am hoping and praying with all my heart that this is not the case. I just needed to think those thoughts and say them out loud...thinking through that worse case scenario and realizing that if that does indeed happen, life will go on and God will still love us. I asked/begged God again that if He does not wish us to be parents that He will please take that desire away.

I told my Dh all of this after Mass of course and I told him that the biggest thing right now is not that I am not hopeful. The problem is that I have SO much hope that I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I have an even longer way to fall. (I just finished my fourth and final HCG shot yesterday and now we are just waiting.) I said that I have this over abundance of hope that I have tried to shove down a few pegs or hide but it just won't seem to budge. And that scares me.
He told me not to be scared of the hope but to hold on to it! I am definitely trying.

It is just that this is so very near my heart. With my whole being I desire to be a mother. To rock my littles in my arms, to kiss those tiny feet. I have wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. In my sister's yearbook where the kids say what they want to be when they grow up, a little boy wrote he wanted to be a mommy. I just love that! He doesn't know yet that he cannot be a mommy, but he knows enough to know they are very special. I have loved on and stolen kisses from the babies I nanny for even if they are not mine. Having children is not something I want just because everyone around me is having them, although this certainly makes it more painful. I have never really been one to want to do what everyone else is doing anyway. I do want to be part of "the crowd" of course, but it goes so much deeper than that. I've never just wanted "to get pregnant." What I want more than anything is to meet my babies.  They are specific. They are wonderful. And they are ours. My Dh and I have had a few names for a few years now and I feel like they are already ours. I sometimes look around our house during the day and wonder what it will be like to call those names and actually hear pitter patters of little feet in our halls. To hear them laugh with their daddy.
I sometimes feel that if I allow myself to feel the full weight of this most precious desire of my heart, that I will just crumble beneath it. So, I leave most of those gushy feelings in a back room that holds that empty, folded up crib, a jogging stroller, and a baby blanket my mom got us with our last name on it. I usually am able to push these feelings down with, "This too shall pass, God's timing is perfect, I'm sure it will happen soon" and all the other phrases I use to distract myself. But what I've realized is that I can feel both sides. I can feel the weight of this desire and at the same time embrace the hope and know that I am buoyed by God's unfailing love.

One thing I know with absolute certainty...our babies will always know how loved they are. They will know that they were hoped for, prayed for and wanted. We will tell them what an incredible gift they are and how long we thought of, and prayed for the day we would meet. I truly feel like I will meet them. Because in my head they are just too wonderful not to ever exist. I sometimes feel they are already here...somewhere...and just because God has not let us meet yet doesn't mean it will never happen.

Okay. Yes, that feels good. I'm sure this seems like a whole lot of crazy at once but I have been holding these things in for so long and I knew they had to come out eventually.

On Saturday my Dh's Gm re-taught me how to crochet. She showed me months ago but I put it down and then couldn't remember. I have now found that it is somewhat addicting. It is a kind of therapy to see those strands weave together and create something new. Once I felt fairly confident with my "practice" piece, I dug through my craft supplies and found some yarn I had bought months ago for some home project. I have made things for other people's children but this?...
This I am going to keep. This will be for my baby. It is green and soft and perfect.
Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but I don't care. I am going to make this blanket and allow myself to feel both. I will feel this huge elephant of hope I have and I will also feel this desire of my heart. I worked on it this morning as I prayed my rosary and the two didn't clash today. Today they were perfectly woven together. Pray. Hope. Crochet. Hello sweet therapy.



I will not lose hope in you, sweet little one. I am making you something because I know I will see you soon and I want you to have something from your mama. I am not yet sure if you will be conceived or adopted but nevertheless you are now and will always be in my heart. I miss you dearly, but I know God is holding you, and you are in the best possible place you can be right now. I will keep fighting for you until God tells me to stop. I love you.


I will not shove hope down anymore. Hope and I are friends now.
I am thankful for this hope.
And for Fall :)


Ps. Anyone needing extra therapy should totally try making something with yarn! I think I really am mesmerized or something..lol. I am going to try to crochet instead of spending time on fb this week, because everyone knows fb is a really dark place anyway, right?! Who's with me?!