Return

Well, that was an extremely long and unplanned break from blogging, but I do think it helped.

I have been looking for the time to come back because I do miss connecting with everyone here. I have tried to comment when I can, but I know it has been sporadic. Please know you have all been in my prayers nevertheless!

The last time I blogged was when we went through that crazy week of the P+19 (the longest I had ever gotten before AF showing up) and I needed a bit of a break to process things. Not too long after that the month of thankfulness started and honestly I got a bit overwhelmed by the huge wave of posts and found it difficult to keep up with all the reading!

These weeks have been busy with holiday preparations as well as photoshoots, and planning a baby shower for sil J (last wknd) and a graduation party for my Dh for getting his masters!! (this coming Saturday)

In the midst of it all I've been doing lots of thinking about IF, Advent, waiting, and what God could be planning for 2013. I'm trying so hard to let go of everything and give Him complete control over my days. We are still continuing with our regimen of clomid and HCG injections and this is the fourth month for all of that. I think I rebounded pretty well emotionally considering how draining that second month was. Last month (month 3 of clomid/HCG) AF came right on P+14. Just like normal. For the most part, my cycle is pretty consistent with starting on P+13 or P+14. The only month I've ever had to wait that long for AF was October. In the back of my mind sometimes I wonder if it was just the medicines that made my cycle crazy (because some of you mentioned the possibility of a long luteal phase with these meds) or if it was something else. Maybe I'm just naive or clueless, but I want so badly to ask if it could have been possible that we did conceive even if just for an extremely short time. Perhaps it was just a normal "long luteal because of meds" and I am just making things up in my head. Part of me wants to know for certain but I know I never will. I partly feel silly even thinking it could have been more. I know I didn't have cramping that was out of the ordinary but maybe it's just me wanting to think we're making progress. At the same time, I know that when it does happen, I don't want to get closer and then lose...I want it to be all the way. I suppose this is the only place I would dare to ask.
This month makes three for us. Three years of officially TTC. I remember not drinking at the New Year's Party for 2010 thinking that we could be pg! Although I took my first pg test October 2009 (after being married Aug. '09) I think December was the first official month our hearts made the switch from the not "not trying" but  "Oh my goodness, what if we have a baby soon!" excitement, to the disappointment and questioning and "hmm, why is it not happening?" Part of me wishes we had started seeking medical help sooner (or even had gotten bloodwork done before we were married!) but the more rational part knows that for whatever reason, God wanted our journey to look like this. He has been in control the entire time and despite our questions, we know that He has the answers.

I really want to tell God that I can do it. I want to tell Him that I'm being patient (or at least trying!) and that I can keep doing this. I have had several weak moments in the past weeks. One was triggered by sweet babies at Mass which resulted in that overwhelming sadness and tears. Dh had to tell me to visit the restroom to fix my "raccoon eyes." Why is it always those precious little ones at Mass that get me?! I can feel perfectly fine one minute and then BAM it hits me out of nowhere. I'd rather not switch to waterproof mascara for Mass since it is such a pain to get off but seriously, I've considered it.

The strong moments are the ones I look forward to. Dh and I went to a Reconciliation service Monday night at our church. I was sitting in the pew after my confession and looked up at the crucifix. In that moment I looked at Him and I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love. His love for me and mine for Him (imperfect and flawed though it is). I asked Him to help me and to love me in all my imperfections and I know He does.
I told Him I that I could do it. I could do what He asked and wait as long as He wished to meet our children.
That He died for us, and this was the least I could do. And so, I am in a pretty good place at the moment. I am praying for this strong moment to last as long as possible and that when the next inevitable weak moment comes, He will grace me with another strong one soon after.

 I am going to love Him and praise Him no matter what. I often remind myself that I do not just want my life to be one big "wait"...I want my life to be full of living. Of thanking for blessings and enjoying the beautiful people I do have in my life.

This is what I am working on. What I hope to improve. I don't want this Advent to slip away. I absolutely LOVE LOVE Christmas and I am going to wait (hopefully "well" as this friend says much better than I can)
and pray, and LIVE and prepare my heart for Jesus' coming...whether we have a little one coming soon or not.


Today I am thankful for those strong moments.
For God's unfailing love.

Aaaand that Texas has finally decided to give us a
glimpse of weather that says "winter" instead of
"summer" (it's about time! I'd rather not have to
wear short sleeves on Christmas for goodness sake!)