Drifting.

Oh so many things going through my head!!

Had a slight freak out moment yesterday. I felt like I was floating in a sea of uncertainty and I couldn't get a grasp on anything...

What am I doing??
What should I be doing??
What does God want me to do/who does He want me to be?
Where do I go from here?!

I had to slow down and literally go through all the things that I absolutely know to be true.

My name is _____. I am a child of God. He loves me more than I could ever imagine and wants me to be happy. I am married to an amazing man who also loves me so very much. I am a wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, sis-in-law, cousin, friend, godmother, nanny, etc...and I desire to be a mother with all my heart.

I haven't worked my nanny jobs at all this week due to sickness on my part, and other things going on with my nanny families. The house is pretty darn clean (trying to be a good wife!) and I find myself just wondering what I'm actually doing and what I am supposed to do? Just in life. In general. Feeling a little without a purpose this week I suppose. Most days I absolutely love going to nanny and taking care of these kids that mean so much to me and other days I am reminded that they are not mine. And it just doesn't quite get there for me. I also love photography and am learning more and trying to decide if this is a direction I actually want to pursue as a way of bringing in income. Then I think of how many others try to do this, wonder if I could possibly be good enough, remember how little I know about running a business...and this notion goes out the window once more. I am also passionately pro-life, and have been quite active in the past, but have since fallen away from the "super-involved" person that I once was.

Definitely took a step back from things when the reality that getting pregnant was going to take more work than just "getting lucky" set in. 

Despite the fact that I pray everyday my life will soon change in a big way when dh and I become parents, my life will not begin when I become a mama. God has given me my life today and he wants me to use it to the full and to live for right now. For today. Period. I think I remember a quote somewhere that worrying robs today of its joy and I certainly do not want that.
 
Even scarier, I will not magically change into the best version of myself overnight. I will have the same faults I have right now...I will be a disorganized, untimely, sometimes scattered.....mama. And that sometimes scares the heck out of me!!
I want so badly to be the woman, wife, and (please someday God!) mama that He wants me to be but I have to remember that getting there takes time. Falling teaches us to pick ourselves up. And this feeling of floating around shows me that I need to anchor myself to Christ more than ever!  Dh and I are doing amazing praying the Divine Mercy Novena every single day and this is quite an accomplishment because I know I can count the novenas I have actually stuck to for a whole nine days without a miss on one hand.


Guess I just felt my faults, my fears and uncertainty a little stronger yesterday than normal.

Adoration yesterday evening after all of these thoughts worked wonders though! I know that I need to pray more and cling to Christ! I know that He has given me many MANY blessings and I trust that He has the plan for my life all worked out. So I am going to work harder on....
Stopping everything to LISTEN to what He is telling me on a day to day basis.
TRUSTING that no matter what I know or do not know about my future, God is already there and there is no need to worry.
KNOWING that I am in this very place for a reason, and that I can use every day God gives me as an opportunity to better myself.

Sorry for the crazy ramble! Does anyone ever feel like this?!  Sometimes I just need to unwind the tangled mess of my mind onto something I can read later and try to decipher.

Tomorrow at 1:30 is our appt with that Dr P and I know it is just a consultation but I am confident that it will help us begin to find the answers we need. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

I very much dislike when my brain goes haywire. I know that I am calming down and I hope to be back trusting, joyful, hoping, loving, appreciating every moment that God gives us very soon! God has all the answers, but I don't have to. God has all the answers, but I don't have to. Repeat to self.

Most importantly I know that even when I feel like I am out to sea without a raft, God is holding me.


Today I am thankful for times like this (even though they are not all that fun)
because they remind me how much I need God in every moment of every day.
Thankful for this mini wake up call. He loves me, and really, isn't that all that
really matters?