Three babies born and three pg announcements (one with their THIRD baby, married the same year we were) in the past two weeks. Wow.
That's not what this post is about, but I just had to get that out of the way first.
I am a little behind on reading and commenting but I am trying to catch up. These past few weeks have been extremely difficult as well as emotionally draining, and it hasn't even been because of IF.
It's been my marriage.
I thought quite a while about whether or not I would post about this..last week, I almost wrote a,
"please pray for us, things are really not so great right now" post, but I didn't.
Apparently I can post all day about IF and the hardships/emotions that go along with it but I am finding it difficult to admit that my marriage is anything but fantastic. Even to (mostly) complete strangers! I decided to write a post about it after all to sort through emotions and to just be able to talk about it in general. I have felt so alone (and even embarrassed to be in this situation) and have not wanted to open up about this to anyone IRL. I never wanted to speak poorly of my Dh or bring it up that I couldn't handle it.
As the title would suggest though, this story does have a happy ending, and that is really the only reason why I am able to write this at all.
For as long as we have been married, we have worked to combine mindsets, ideas, expectations, from 20+ years before meeting each other. This is nothing new. Two people coming together who have been molded with completely different habits and ways of thinking and doing things and it is the idea that you will both take what you know from each and figure out how to do things from there. Every married couple goes through this.
The semi-short version is that I have certain things I have struggled with my entire life. One of them is timeliness. My whole family has traditionally been late to nearly every event over the years and as you could guess, this made things quite difficult when I married a 'even one minute late means complete failure principle of the matter, Marine.' I do not blame him for this...it is how he was raised and taught and I actually admire this quality in him so much! (I mean, could you imagine how messed up it would be having kids and TWO of us who couldn't be on time?!)
I have tried to correct this terrible bad habit for years and just keep coming up short. I have certainly put my poor Dh through quite a lot over the years and I am not pleased with myself because of it. My lack of time management skills have been a major source of tension for as long as we've been together. Let me just say though that I have always agreed with his intentions of helping me to be on
time/responsible/courteous of others' time, etc.. (things I very much want to improve in myself) ...I have only disagreed
with his methods and how he has gone about "helping" me do this.
(There is more to this story, but I don't think it is necessary to explain every single detail)
Two thoughts have always pulled at me very hard in opposite directions...
The first, a loud voice saying to myself..."Why can't you just be on time and gets things done when you are supposed to? Why can't you just change?? What the hell is wrong with you??!
The second, a more subdued voice saying..."I don't deserve to be treated like this. I know this is not how things should be."
These voices have repeated themselves over and over again and I could never seem to reconcile them.
Things had been so good earlier this year. Everything, it seemed, had clicked into place and we were just so happy together. Things started to fall apart again about a month ago.
Hurtful things were said. Many, many tears and conversations and prayers. Things got better, but the sting of the words was still there. To feel better I would have to tell myself, "God still loves me.."
One day last week I was driving to pick him up and sitting in traffic I realized I was going to be late.
I started having a panic attack. Or at least I think that's what it was.
I started having trouble breathing, felt light headed, my arm and legs and one small spot on my stomach started tingling and then went numb. I thought I was going to have to pull over but I was afraid of being even later than I already was so I kept going.
My self esteem was very low. My stress way up. And there was absolutely no one I wanted to open up to.
Then, this past Sunday, we had a breakthrough.
We had a conversation full of ups and downs but we were able to keep it together...
I very calmly said that I feel like a project instead of a person..not like his wife, but like a problem to be solved. I told him that I know I've put him through a lot and that I have issues, but what I need from him are encouragement and prayers, not him constantly trying to "fix" me. I have felt like his love and respect for me are solely dependent on whether I have checked everything off of my to-do list for the day. I know without a doubt that he loves me no matter what, but I told him I want to
feel like it as well.
For whatever reason, this time, after many many conversations, it made an impact.
I could tell immediately that he was sorry for how he had been treating me and he said so.
I know that it wasn't just a "I need to be nicer to you" that was normally said lightheartedly. It was truly genuine.
I have two quotes that I wrote on a piece of paper and gave to him.
"Be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet!"
And,
"God loves you just the way you are today, but he loves you much too much to let you stay that way."
I told Dh that is how I hope things can go from now on. I want to be loved unconditionally, but I also want
encouragement to become the person God has called me to be. To never stop growing. Improving. I hope I never get to the point where I think I am perfect and no longer have any need to improve. I have a tremendous desire to become that good, holy, organized, timely wife that I should be. However, I need to know that you still love me even if I didn't iron enough shirts for the week, or didn't make it to the grocery store that day.
I can say that I am extremely happy about the way things have been just in the few days since this happened. The change has been so amazingly freeing. It feels like a weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders! He knows that he can stop trying to "fix" me and leave that up to God, and I can set my own goals and improve without any panic attacks or fear of being called a failure.
He really is such an amazing man and I know God put us together for a reason. We would always joke and say that he needs to learn from me to stop and smell the roses and I need to learn from him to not stop and smell them all day long ;) We have had SO much fun in these past few days and even though I know we will still have hard times in the future, I know that we will go about things much differently. Loving each other for who we are, and at the same time, encouraging the other to be better...to strive for holiness. To build each other up, not tear each other down. I KNOW that we have both been changed for good! Thank you Lord!
And, I might add, that I have been on time/early to work the past 5 times in a row! Though this may not seem like much to some (I am ashamed to say this is definitely NOT the norm for me), it is certainly a good start. It takes constant vigilance on my part and a "you don't have time for that, your first priority right now is to be on time" mantra in my head while getting ready. I am hoping and praying to keep up this winning streak! I truly want to change and be someone people can count on and be proud of and even to set a good example for our future little ones!
Despite this trying time, we have both learned a lot and for better or worse it is part of our story.
Dh and I are definitely not perfect, but I am more optimistic about our future than I have ever been, and I NEVER want to revisit the place we were.
I wanted to write this all out, mostly for a bit of closure for me. To get it all out, and then move on. I also, in a weird way, like explaining this certain weakness of mine for increased accountability. (As if anyone ever believed I was even close to perfect, you now know the truth ;)
I may even delete this at some point but for right now I feel better getting it all out of the way.
I cannot help but believe that God absolutely knows what he is doing and that when He does choose to bless us with children, we will be all the better for the time He gave us while waiting.
Today I am thankful for new beginnings. For struggles that help us grow, and for a wonderful Dh who is willing to get through the "not so fun" to continue to grow and find joy with me.
