A tiny heartbeat...

....has stolen my heart



Saw a teeny tiny baby.

Heard a small whoosh, whoosh of the heartbeat.

Saw the little heart flicker on the screen. 

I sent pictures and video to Dh just as soon as I possibly could. (The sweet nurse offered to video for me) 

Told the rest of our family and the rest of the world. 

We are completely overwhelmed with joy and gratitude!!!!

It is slowly starting to move from dream to reality. 

Thank you Jesus!!!! 

Let go and let God (a new appt)

Soooo, remember that one time?

When I said I had an appointment on that Monday at 2:30?



Yeaaa, that definitely did NOT go as planned.


Here's what happened.


Dh planned to get off work early to come home and get ready to go with me. He texted me from work that morning so many times to say he couldn't even concentrate because he was so excited! I must say, I certainly was too.
When I made the appointment, I remember thinking...10 days! Only 10 days until we get to see this little one!


We got to the office about 2 so we could fill out the necessary paperwork and such and have plenty of time. I went to the desk to check in and they couldn't find my name. I started to get a little worried but then I spelled my name just to check. Sure enough, they had spelled my name wrong so I breathed a sigh of relief that it was just a simple mistake.

But there was still something wrong and they said I didn't have an appointment that day. They told me that my appointment was actually LAST week and that I had missed my appointment!!

umm, what?!

In my last post I listed the whole conversation with the front desk lady. We got our appt moved from the 20th to the 18th, and then she called back later to say there had been a cancellation for Monday. I was SO excited that we had an appointment date before Dh went out of town that I realize that I never actually verified the date...and she never actually said it. So, we were working with a particular week and I never even thought for a moment that she meant Monday the 9th! I mean, I made the appt. on a Friday!! Don't you think that if I had realized she meant the 9th that I would have jumped for joy and freaked out that we would have an appointment in a mere 3 days??

Of course, realizing what was happening made me quite emotional, but when the nurses told us the other doctor wouldn't even see us that day and that there were no doctors in the office on Tuesday,
I. pretty. much. lost it.

3 days would have been amazing of course, but I didn't really mind if we had to wait a few more days, or even weeks.

All I cared about was getting an appointment before Dh went out of town.

I know there is a reason for everything, but somehow, I just can't figure this one out. Why did this mistake have to happen? Our first pregnancy in four years. All the waiting and praying and dreaming. And my Dh will not be there with me to see our little one for the first time. To hear the heartbeat.

The only thing I can think of is that God is clearly still reminding us that we are not done learning patience. (um, duh!) And that we are certainly not in control. "Let go and let God" right?

Still, we are counting our blessings and thanking God for this baby. There are no red flags so far, and nothing is actually "wrong." I am taking my prometrium and being monitored every two weeks.

Dh left yesterday, and my new appointment is tomorrow.

We have much more peace about it than we did earlier in the week. God is taking care of all three of us...and one way or another, we will get to see this little one tomorrow. I will take video and send it to him as soon as I can.

Still doesn't feel real, but I know tomorrow will help it to sink in more! We have so much to be thankful for!!

In the long run, this is just a small hiccup in what will certainly be a grand journey. Dh will have other chances to come to other appointments and see our baby.


((side note: I realize that I must be rather fond of the word "certainly." I seem to use it quite often))


I am offering up every bit of frustration or uncertainty for all of you!!!



I am thankful for continued lessons in patience and
the fact that God is in control. His timing is ultimately
always perfect. (Why, after dealing with infertility
would I have ever though otherwise? Sheesh!)
I am still somewhat a cloud of shock and extreme
gratitude for this gift. The shock will wear off
someday I'm sure, but I know the gratitude never will.

I still can't believe it...

Thank you for all your sweet comments and prayers!!

They are so very appreciated!!


I am still trying to wrap my head around what has happened in the last few days. It seriously feels like a dream. A dream I definitely do not want to wake up from.

I mean, it's getting easier to say the words but it still sort of feels like we're talking about someone else.
I will pray and thank God and ask Him to protect this little one but it feels like someone elses's prayer request! Like it could not possibly be happening to me.

My first blood draw numbers last Wednesday were HCG 3,413, progesterone 16.2

And my draw on Saturday showed HCG

8,856! So baby is definitely growing!!!

I go next Wednesday for another draw to check progesterone and they (my doctor's office in Austin) will continue to monitor those levels every two weeks to make sure all stays well. They have me taking prometrium every evening as well. 

I am so thankful that the Vitae clinic is monitoring me!! They are all so sweet and I know I am in good hands! The nurses tell me congratulations again every time I call :) 

Monday is our first appointment with a local doctor. I just cannot believe that after these years of trying and praying that it is almost here. Monday I will have an ultrasound and instead of seeing nothing and just measuring my follicles, we will actually see a tiny little baby. 

I would always pretend I could see something when I would go in for my ultrasound series and just pray that I'd get that chance someday. This time I won't have to pretend!! Perhaps seeing this little one will help make it more real because it is certainly taking a while for it to "sink in" and for me to actually believe what is happening. 

All I keep saying is thank you, thank you to God and please watch over this baby. 

Ah!! Baby!! Baby?! Is this really me we're talking about?! So. Darn. Crazy. 

I am nervous and extremely excited for Monday at 2:30!!

Let me tell you that God is definitely on this case because my appointment was going to be Friday the 20th, but my Dh leaves to go out of town on the 18th!! We were so worried he might not be here but I kept calling their office to see if anything came up. 

I called last Friday and the lady said, 

"Well, it seems we have an opening now for the 18th at 8:30am." I told the nurse our situation. 

That was definitely better! But when I texted Dh he had already booked his flight for 8 am that morning :( 

I said a little prayer that something would please open up for Tuesday! (I had my mom praying too)

About 5 minutes later, the lady from the office called back to say there had just been a cancellation for that Monday!! I couldn't believe it!! God is so good! 

So Monday at 2:30 it is. I am praying hard that all goes well and that he/she is healthy and busy growing in there. 

I am trying to just soak it all in while trying not to worry. It's been quite a journey getting to this point and I want to remember every. single. second. 

So incredibly surreal. 

Thank you God!! And thank you, sweet blogger friends!! Your prayers mean SO much!!!

Oh.MY.GOODNESS!!!!!!!!

I am floating, y'all.

I mean literally up in the clouds!!!!!!!!!!!

Up on a cloud somewhere between extreme joy and disbelief.

And I have been for two days!!!


I ran out of meds this month and didn't get a new prescription in time. I mean, Dh was super serious about all of his meds but me?? I was all out. I mean, why, after 4 years being open to life would I suspect that this would actually be the month???

And so I kept telling myself not to get excited. That AF was just teasing me and was right around the corner. I told myself that Tuesday was the day I could test. All morning I said..."AF, if you are going to come, just PLEASE come before I drive all the way to Wal-Mart and get the darn test so I won't have to go through that!"


But she didn't. And when I got home, at 2pm, I saw this...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I honestly would have blogged sooner but I have just been trying to process this!!

All I could do was cry and say, Thank you God, Thank you for this gift!!

Since I wasn't doing Clomid and HCG this month, Dh wasn't as aware of where I was in my cycle so when he got home he was completely surprised and overjoyed!!!!!!

So incredibly surreal.

I just can't believe it's finally happening.

Full of JOY and excitement and thankful-ness and hopeful but nervous as well.

Lord, please take care of this little one!!!!!!! If I could humbly ask for a few prayers.....

We are literally just walking around in shock and saying thank you, thank you, thank you for this blessing!!!

So many emotions!!! So many happy tears.  OH. MY. GOODNESS.


Could this really be happening?!?!



Our Mother of Perpetual Help, pray for us. St. Maria Goretti, pray for us. Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us. St. Joseph, pray for us. St. Anthony, pray for us. St. Therese, pray for us. St Gerard, pray for us!!!!

Numbers

To say that my blogging has been inconsistent would be a massive understatement.

When I start to think of a post, my feelings go about like this...

I have too much to say.

I don't know where to start. 

I can't make sense of these jumbled feelings. 

I have no one to talk to so if I don't write something soon, I'll explode!!

But, where to begin??

So, I'm going to simplify the process as much as possible.

This will be an update with numbers just for something different. (Why not?!)

4

Dh and I celebrated 4 wonderful years of crazy, up and down, growth with so much love, laughter and blessings!!! We went to College Station to see his brother and SIL and went out for our anniversary date on Friday. We were able to hit up favorite college spots and even took a night stroll around campus. It was lovely reminiscing about the time we spent dating and our adventures at A&M.

4

Years we have been open to life

3.5

Years TTC

(I was going to say, "trying to start our family" but I try to remember that our family is already started! Dh and I ARE a family, dang-it!!)

3

Our puppy turned 3 in August! We made a little birthday outing to the dog park and Pet-smart to get a treat. Don't know what I'd do without our sweet fur-baby! She really is the best dog!

At an outdoor, dog-friendly restaurant 

The sun did a good job protecting my secret identity ;) 

3

Photo shoots I've done in the last two weeks. Did I mention I'm starting a business??! I've thought about it so long and am finally making the leap! Um, hello insecurities!! So exciting and scary at the same time. I really want to rock this!!

Screw you, insecurity. I will have confidence. Repeat. I will.

10

Months until my sister gets married!!

Oh goodness!! She got engaged this summer and is currently planning a wedding while working in MN. (Where her fiancé currently is) I am helping of course and went to a bridal show with my mom and youngest sister. I don't remember those being so crazy! I think I went to one small one when I was engaged. Anyhow, I am thrilled for her...but of course that means 10 months till they could start having kids...don't get me started on those emotions. Focusing on the thrilled part!! ;) Her fiance is great and I know my dad won't mind having another guy around! (He has always been outnumbered)

4

My sweet twins I used to nanny for turned FOUR!! How did that happen?! I started with them when they were 7 months old!! Still love their family dearly and am going to see them this week. 

4

Weeks this summer Dh has been out of town and 

2 more he will have to be before September ends.

3

Jobs Dh has applied to. Change is coming...I feel it. We are praying God brings some job he will be happy doing where he feels fulfilled in the work! He is of course thankful for the job he has now but is definitely looking for new opportunities. 

3 

Years this summer we have been in our house.

1 

New DIY roman shade for the back door that keep both the harsh West sun and the neighbors eyes out of our house. ;) 

(I need to do a craft edition!)

73

New blooms in our backyard! (Ok, so I didn't really count) We planted some sort of climbing vine below some lattice on our fence and it has climbed all the way to the top and started blooming these lovely purple-ish/pink-ish  flowers!! I get so excited when a plant does what I want it to/hope it will (instead of me forgetting to water something and killing it..ha) 

See??

1

Sometimes lonely, but hopeful heart. 

Change is coming!!

Dh is seeking other employment, I'm beginning a new business venture and just maybe our family will change and grow too. We'll start back with clomid and HCG for September. (Prescription ran out for August and I had to go see my doctor to get more..also, my doctor is moving to Califormia! Boo!) Also, I find it very difficult to continue charting when I'm not on meds...bad I know. Am I the only one? I just need to chart more consistently in general! AF will surely be knocking on my door any day now...she is teasing me again. Rude. 

1
Blogger meet-up in July! I was blessed to share a few minutes with this lady and though it was short, I was so happy to get to meet her! It was pretty great to meet the Blogger-of-the-month and perhaps next time we can talk longer!

And...to end on a good note...

1 

Kickball victory!!!!! Dh and I have played on this team for four seasons now and we have lost the very last game every.single.time! Ah! But not this time..

We didn't choke and ended up the overall Champions!!! Yes! (Fist pump)

3 2nd place finishes and 1 1st. We're playing next season too so we'll see if we can keep our winning streak and go for two in a row. Kickball is such a fun, silly thing to do every week with friends and though I get tired of it sometimes, I think we'll play as long as our team keeps playing.

Just trying to live for the day to day and leave the what-ifs for tomorrow. 

Please know you've all been in my prayers despite my blogging absence!!

Thankful for 475,899,602 blessings and looking forward to many more!