Still not friends..

..with aunt flow.

She is that ridiculous, smelly next door neighbor who comes to my door every single month bringing the same brussel sprout stew and then tells me she hates my shoes
despite the fact that I have told her repeatedly that her insults and disgusting dinner are just not welcome.

Ugh.

I got a fb message today from a friend from high school that I don't really talk to much anymore that said..

"I had a crazy dream last night that you were pregnant. Anything you want to tell me?!???! Hope all is well!"

I immediately start thinking..oh my goodness, what if I am pregnant?! What an awesome story that would be and I can't wait to tell my friends and family and the whole world and I have had such crazy dreams lately maybe they are crazy pg dreams and...
Approximately 4.37 seconds later I realize that AF has arrived.
No joke.
Seriously super timing.

Anyways, then I start thinking of what it will be like to be in pain or sick or tired for a really great reason (like for actually being pg, or in labor, or tired being up at night with a little one) and I remember why I go through this every month.

Not just dealing with CD1s over and over, but why I put myself through the...hopeful, excited, this could be it emotions that turn into, not this time, and let down emotions..

Because someday it will be worth it. Because someday I will see those two pink lines and jump for joy. Because someday I will hold my sweet baby love in my arms and wonder how life could be any better. And because someday, at some point, I will most likely be near total exhaustion with a messy household and need encouraging...

And that once infertile lady of my past life will whisper in my ear how very lucky and blessed I am.
And I will remember that it WAS worth it all along.

So, even though today was really rather not so great, I am looking forward to that day in the future where I can look back and actually be thankful for this cross.
This cross that taught me to endure pain and to be strong and to find joy in the most unlikely circumstances.

And on that day, when the old me reminds the new me to be thankful, I will take her advice.


God knows what He is doing and I know He has not given us this cross without reason.

Praying tonight that He will continue to keep reminding me of this (as I tend to have a very short term memory)


Thankful tonight for extra hugs from Dh, Reese's (my favorite!) cookies, and a W for the Rangers!! ;)




Just wanted to end with something pretty. (obsessed with collages at the moment..)

Goodnight!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 points if you can guess...

...what I brought home yesterday.

I'll give you a hint. It's something you would never expect someone trying to have a baby would get before getting that BFP.
...

I got a crib!

Sounds funny to say that! Ha!

Well, you may remember that I am a nanny for a family with twins . They are 2 1/2 and have been in big kid beds for a while now. The lady I work for, A, is giving one crib to her sister and she offered the other one to me! I thought about it for a while and tried to decide whether or not having a crib but no baby in the house would make me sad, depressed, etc..

I finally just said...what the heck, Why not?! It's a free crib! And I'm using this opportunity to practice being super positive and trusting God and his timing. Who knows? I may get to put it to use sooner than I think! I talked to Dh and he said, "well, we're not going to set it up right, because that would be pretty weird to explain to people."Ha! Of course not. It will remain in its current state (in pieces) until we get some super fantastic news ;) Anyhow, we now have our very first baby item, and it is patiently waiting in our back room to be filled.

In other news, I have been having the most bizarre (and sometimes scary) dreams! On Monday night, I had two in a row which were dreadful (I won't go into details) back to back and I woke up after the second totally freaked out!  Last night, I dreamed I was in this small town I had never heard of before. It was a much longer dream, but I'll skip to the end..

We were going into this small diner for dinner and for some reason I had 2 cartons of ice cream and brought them in with me. I was walking by the front counter when a lady that worked there said, "that's fine, but just make sure no one else eats your ice cream or you'll be screwed."

For some reason, I knew she was talking about our infertility...like if someone were to eat my ice cream, we wouldn't be able to have kids (so weird!) I kept walking and put my stuff down at the table where Dh was sitting with some random other people and then left again to use the restroom. When I came back, I could see that some girl was EATING MY ICE CREAM!!! I actually do know this girl IRL and she has a little baby girl but I guess she didn't yet in this crazy scenario. I was SO incredibly angry and upset all at once I wanted to run over there and punch her!  I turned and walked outside, trying to calm down and fully prepared to walk home when I saw how dark the sky was. Then I saw that a funnel cloud was stretching down to the ground right in front of me!!  (y'all may have heard of the 12 tornadoes that ripped through North TX a few weeks ago..guess it was still on my mind)
The huge black cloud grew even bigger and swirled around to the other side of the diner. For a moment I was frozen but then all I could think of was my Dh still inside. I rushed back in only to see the giant tornado through the big glass windows on the other side of the diner. My husband was at the other end, still eating, and no one saw what was happening. There was no time and I was the only one that could warn them. I tried to yell and...

Nothing came out.

I was totally panicking and then I YELLED....
.....

And woke myself up. And my husband. Because I actually caused myself to yell out in real life. I was still trying to shake myself from the dream and I could hear Dh say, "what the heck!"
He says I yelled something like "COAT!" but I assure him that what I was trying to say was.. "GETAWAYFROMTHEWINDOWS!!"

Ice cream. Infertility. Tornadoes. My subconscious is weird.


Needless to say, I am really hoping to have some good, calm dreams about puppies or sunsets soon.

Thank y'all for your encouragement after my last crazy person post. I am feeling better but definitely still working many things out in my head. I know your prayers help so much though so thank you!
As for my appointment, it went really well! It's always a wonderful thing when your doctor wears a precious feet pin and you leave his office with holy cards and 2 miraculous medals :)

I had stopped charting a while back when we started with Dr. H (not Hilgers, and not Catholic..fyi)
because it wasn't really necessary. The new Dr. P wants me to start charting again and when I have a cycle to show him, he will order a full set of labs (he said 10 blood draws during my cycle) to see what things look like throughout. I've never really particularly liked charting but I know it is necessary and I am certainly excited about a new plan of action. 

Well, that's all for now, and I'm off to do not so fun things (like researching electricians..boo), and fun things as well (like a craft day with my mama and youngest sister :)



Today I am thankful for our awesome, Catholic doctor and
for a new path to follow!
Today I am also thankful for our beautiful home.
Even though things break sometimes, I know
how blessed we are!

Drifting.

Oh so many things going through my head!!

Had a slight freak out moment yesterday. I felt like I was floating in a sea of uncertainty and I couldn't get a grasp on anything...

What am I doing??
What should I be doing??
What does God want me to do/who does He want me to be?
Where do I go from here?!

I had to slow down and literally go through all the things that I absolutely know to be true.

My name is _____. I am a child of God. He loves me more than I could ever imagine and wants me to be happy. I am married to an amazing man who also loves me so very much. I am a wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, sis-in-law, cousin, friend, godmother, nanny, etc...and I desire to be a mother with all my heart.

I haven't worked my nanny jobs at all this week due to sickness on my part, and other things going on with my nanny families. The house is pretty darn clean (trying to be a good wife!) and I find myself just wondering what I'm actually doing and what I am supposed to do? Just in life. In general. Feeling a little without a purpose this week I suppose. Most days I absolutely love going to nanny and taking care of these kids that mean so much to me and other days I am reminded that they are not mine. And it just doesn't quite get there for me. I also love photography and am learning more and trying to decide if this is a direction I actually want to pursue as a way of bringing in income. Then I think of how many others try to do this, wonder if I could possibly be good enough, remember how little I know about running a business...and this notion goes out the window once more. I am also passionately pro-life, and have been quite active in the past, but have since fallen away from the "super-involved" person that I once was.

Definitely took a step back from things when the reality that getting pregnant was going to take more work than just "getting lucky" set in. 

Despite the fact that I pray everyday my life will soon change in a big way when dh and I become parents, my life will not begin when I become a mama. God has given me my life today and he wants me to use it to the full and to live for right now. For today. Period. I think I remember a quote somewhere that worrying robs today of its joy and I certainly do not want that.
 
Even scarier, I will not magically change into the best version of myself overnight. I will have the same faults I have right now...I will be a disorganized, untimely, sometimes scattered.....mama. And that sometimes scares the heck out of me!!
I want so badly to be the woman, wife, and (please someday God!) mama that He wants me to be but I have to remember that getting there takes time. Falling teaches us to pick ourselves up. And this feeling of floating around shows me that I need to anchor myself to Christ more than ever!  Dh and I are doing amazing praying the Divine Mercy Novena every single day and this is quite an accomplishment because I know I can count the novenas I have actually stuck to for a whole nine days without a miss on one hand.


Guess I just felt my faults, my fears and uncertainty a little stronger yesterday than normal.

Adoration yesterday evening after all of these thoughts worked wonders though! I know that I need to pray more and cling to Christ! I know that He has given me many MANY blessings and I trust that He has the plan for my life all worked out. So I am going to work harder on....
Stopping everything to LISTEN to what He is telling me on a day to day basis.
TRUSTING that no matter what I know or do not know about my future, God is already there and there is no need to worry.
KNOWING that I am in this very place for a reason, and that I can use every day God gives me as an opportunity to better myself.

Sorry for the crazy ramble! Does anyone ever feel like this?!  Sometimes I just need to unwind the tangled mess of my mind onto something I can read later and try to decipher.

Tomorrow at 1:30 is our appt with that Dr P and I know it is just a consultation but I am confident that it will help us begin to find the answers we need. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

I very much dislike when my brain goes haywire. I know that I am calming down and I hope to be back trusting, joyful, hoping, loving, appreciating every moment that God gives us very soon! God has all the answers, but I don't have to. God has all the answers, but I don't have to. Repeat to self.

Most importantly I know that even when I feel like I am out to sea without a raft, God is holding me.


Today I am thankful for times like this (even though they are not all that fun)
because they remind me how much I need God in every moment of every day.
Thankful for this mini wake up call. He loves me, and really, isn't that all that
really matters?

Thank you moments

It has been a good Holy week so far!

 I feel Jesus very strongly telling me that He is right here with me. This is obvious of course, but it's always nice when you can take the time to really understand this reality. I know there are many times in life when I don't feel especially "close" to Him for whatever reason and that this is primarily my fault by not seeking Him out and making time for Him. Then there are other times when I see Jesus all around me in the big and not so big moments.
For instance, a few times this week I had a little "Thank you Jesus" moment.

Wednesday I was able to go to confession and I was hoping to get there early since it was my last time to go before Easter! I still ended up waiting about 45 minutes and right when I was done the priest told me that I was the last one. That was close!

Yesterday, I randomly decided to clean out the center console of my car (which I rarely do) and ended up finding a check from a nanny job in February of last year that I had never deposited! (hello organization)
So glad I didn't throw it away with the old receipts and Sonic straw wrappers ;)

Also, I made a friend when I was catching some rays outside yesterday. This butterfly must have mistaken my foot for a flower because he even flew away and came right back to me. I even got him to crawl up on my hand too! This may seem silly but it was just a fun little moment that doesn't ever happen.





Then last night at Good Friday services, my youngest sister (12 yrs) got to sing a solo and she did such a beautiful job I couldn't help but thank Jesus that dh and I were able to be there. So proud of her!

I really love when in the midst of an ordinary day, God gives you a just a little glimpse of something beautiful. Something as if to say "Hey! You may not always notice, but I am here! And I'm taking care of you!"

I am also very excited about beginning the Divine Mercy Novena! Story time...
My dad wasn't raised in any religion or even taught to attend church at all except for maybe once in a blue moon with his grandparents. My mom was raised Catholic and they were married in a church but after that they attended a Methodist church for about ten years. My mom eventually felt the calling to come back to the Catholic church and began taking my sister and me. My dad wasn't very happy about this and would never go to mass with us. One year my mom decided to pray the Divine Mercy Novena for my dad to attend any church at all and she was incredibly surprised when on Divine Mercy Sunday he told her that he wanted to become Catholic! I even forget sometimes that he was ever not Catholic because you would never know by talking to him. Needless to say, this novena has an extra special meaning in our family :)
Now, I am beginning it again this year with dh and I cannot help but feel encouraged and hopeful by something so powerful. I really like the phrase "unfathomable mercy" because even though I know God is gracious and merciful, it is so difficult to really wrap my mind around it!
 Found this quote..

Our Lord said to Saint Faustina:

Encourage souls to say the Chaplet which I have given you
... Whoever will recite it will receive great mercy at the hour of death
... When they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will
stand between my Father and the dying person, not as the Just Judge but
as the Merciful Savior ... Priests will recommend it to sinners as their
last hope of salvation. Even if there were a sinner most hardened, if
he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from my
infinite mercy. I desire to grant unimaginable graces to those souls
who trust in My mercy ... Through the Chaplet you will obtain
everything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will.

 Here is a link to information about it if you wish to participate  
http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/mercy/index.htm

So, if you haven't already, I hope everyone can consider praying this novena and maybe even experience whatever Easter miracle God wishes you to have this year!






A very blessed Easter to you all!



"How much comfort people would find and what happiness even in the midst of trials, if they only believed that everything that happens to them comes from My desire to do them good and that all is fitted to the measure of each one. It would be so simple and so heartwarming for them to contemplate My immense love."
 -from the book He and I

Such a relief!

To know that I am not alone, and not crazy!
(Well, I am, but not in the way I was thinking.)
I very much dislike those moments where I feel like the only one in this place with my feet stuck in the mud and not a clue what to do next.  I have always been a reluctant decision-maker. It takes me so long to do things and sometimes and I will go back and forth and go over and over things in my mind without making much progress!
(Seriously dislike this about myself).
Anyway, I just wanted to say THANK YOU again for your sweet comments and for taking the time to send such helpful information my way. It has really helped break down this wall I feel I've had in front of my face and I can finally move forward!
Despite the fact that today is CD3, I feel more hopeful than I have in months and I know our journey is about to take a turn for the better. I am SO excited to go see that new Dr. I mentioned.  We heard him tell his story at an event recently. Long story short, he had a high paying job but felt uneasy about prescribing contraception and was feeling increasingly discouraged by the methods of many in the medical community. He prayed and gave up his job and moved his family to TX and now runs his practice according to the teachings of the church. (NFP and NO contraception!) He said "I don't have to necessarily be a dr. but I do have to be right with God." Awesome! Anyway, he works with infertile couples and he said he would do more extensive testing with me to find out if there is anything else going on. I am definitely looking forward to this because I've never really had anyone do this. It just felt like past drs have done a basic overview so who knows?
DH and I have an appt. April 13th. (Friday the 13th to be exact....oooh spooky ;)
Basically, I am so ready to move forward in our journey and I am excited to see what God has in store for us!
I like to think that this view from our backyard is proof that good things are coming...



Today I am thankful for this community and for their advice and
prayers! It means so very much to have a place to go when you
need help not going crazy! ;)

A little history, and advice needed!

I thought it was time I wrote a post to explain more about our situation as well as our TTC history. I must warn you in advance, it is long and rather jumbled and my recollection of events (especially the medical things) may not be spot on, but you get the general idea. I was keeping track of dates of appointments and results on my phone but my phone calendar decided to be awesome and erase one day :(

I've had quite a bit of time to think and pray and after being "stuck" for what seems like a very long time, I am ready to shake that off and jump in full force again and get some answers!
I could really use some advice at the end so THANKs in advance!!!

March 2006--first date

December 2007--He proposed Christmas night! :)

January 2009--start NFP classes for marriage prep. (Fiance and I joke off and on about having 10-20 children. Ha.) I had never thought too much about my cycle before because it came every month and was basically "normal" for all I knew. I am so glad he went with me to every NFP meeting because our instructor-man person always made me feel weird. Anyway, we continued charting and...

August 2009--Got married!

We thought about how crazy it would be to have a honeymoon baby and were both nervous and excited by that possibility! I suppose you could say we did not "not try" for a few months. After only being a few days late, I took my first pregnancy test in October and got my first BFN. We were both so excited we couldn't even wait to get home! I took the test in a Target bathroom.

We pretty much spend  the next year charting, taking pre-natal vitamins, and hoping to get lucky :)

I believe it was October or November 2010 when I went to my regular obgyn, Dr. M, for a check-up. I told him we were trying and that I thought that maybe my progesterone was low. (This was the only possibly out of the ordinary thing I thought it could be due to hints on my charts. I had brown bleeding sometimes and had heard low progesterone might be a cause).  He prescribes me progesterone pills without running any tests and my husband and I get all excited about trying something new. Probably shouldn't have gotten so excited since he really knew nothing about me and writing that prescription didn't seem like a big deal for him, but what did I know?
After a few months we decide to make an appointment with the doctor my SIL (faith makes things possible..) was seeing.

My old Dr (Dr. M) was a nice Catholic guy, but he just seemed to be so busy with patients and we really wanted to get a bit more attention to find out what was going on.

 April 2011-- I made an appt with Dr. H and go for a consultation.
They ended up checking me that day to see if my uterus and ovaries looked okay. My mind was being crazy and was half expecting them to say that I didn't even have the right parts or something, but everything seemed fine. The next time I go, they take my blood to do tests and I wait for the call with the results. The lady calls a few days later and tells me that my progesterone is .5
I have no idea what that means or what was "normal" but then find out that my number was quite low.
Dr. H prescribes Clomid and wants me to do day 22 bloodwork. I do this and find out that my progesterone did go up! ( I can't quite remember what it went up to)

June 2011-- Dr H ups my Clomid dose and has me come in for an ultrasound series to check the size of my follicles. When one got to a decent size, they gave me the HCG trigger shot and so I began clomid, ultrasounds, shots and bloodwork. In July, the doctor recommends that we get my DH tested. We were going to do an SA soon after I started seeing Dr H, but there was never really a good time and we kept putting it off.

At the end of August, DH and I go on vacation with my family for a few days.
We are finally able to do the SA test the day before we leave (a Friday) and we are just glad we turned it in and were done with that super fun procedure.
On Monday (still on vacation) we call for the results and find out that dh's results are not so great. We both feel like the wind got knocked out of us and are surprised, sad, confused, frustrated....what a way to end a vacation :(
(Dh is active and pretty healthy for all we knew). The lady on the phone gives us a number to make an appointment with a urologist (Dr. B) and we decide that I should stop going to their office and taking clomid and such until we find out more about dh.

September 2011-- we go to meet with this new doctor for the appointment and he basically tells us that for our situation there is nothing he can do. Dh's results showed low count and motility (which Dr. B says you can do things to help) but VERY low morphology (which he basically said cannot be fixed by diet, exercise, pills, etc...) He tells us he wants us to do another 2 SAs to make sure about the results and we leave his office feeling extremely disappointed and a little angry at his 'there's nothing that can be done' attitude. He definitely didn't give us the hope we were looking for.
Dh was so upset by all of this and I can understand why. I was so very upset not just that this was another obstacle, but mostly because this was something I wanted dh to have no part of. I wanted so badly for it to be just me...I had prepared myself that I was the one who needed fixing and he was the one who would support me. I never guessed he would have any of the problems.

After that, dh got so busy at work and with school and it was never a good time to do another test so it kept getting put off. It was December before we were able to do another SA test and the results came back without much change from the first. (Count was slightly better but morph was worse.)
Dr. B had said he wanted to do 3 SA tests, but I don't really see the point since the results have come back much the same. Besides, he gave us no real hope or direction on what he would do or what plan of action we should take if morphology was still very low or even if it had gotten better. Also, I have heard that the timing is important for these tests and we had to drive about 50 minutes away to turn in the test! I really think this may have affected the results and I don't see a point to going through this again with the same clinic if we would still have to drive so far!

So, this is basically the point where we are now. We have taken a little break from everything for a while after the discouraging results, but we are ready to jump back in now. I know the break has helped us, and I truly feel we have grown closer these past months. I really would say recently has been the best we have been together since we got married! (Obviously God knows what he is doing:)

However, right now in regards to our TTC, I feel rather lost. I still feel somewhat new on this whole IF journey in regards to what we have tried and compared to other couples who have been through much much more. Then at other times I feel like it has lasted forever! I don't really know where to go or what to pursue next in regards to DH. (I actually have found a new family practice dr who is a rockstar pro-lifer and does work with IF couples so I made an appt for a consultation and hope to get more extensive tests done bc I know I have low progesterone, but have no idea if something else may be going on too?!)

 I have heard about some vitamins that men can take to help numbers but I have so many questions..
1. Will these things actually help morphology? The first test showed 2% and the last test showed 0% normal :(
2. Does he need to be supervised by a doctor/get a prescription or do you just buy this stuff online and follow the directions?
3. How long should he take those vitamins before we can expect anything to get better so that I could take the right meds/ shots again?
(I have heard it can take 3-6 months?)
4. I have heard these things can be pricey..(we'll do whatever it takes of course...just wondering what our options are)
5. Does Dr. Hilgers work with guys? I cannot find anything that says he might on the PPIV website

I reeeally would rather not have to do another SA test, but will of course if it is necessary...oh boy.

This Dr. B fellow was certainly not Catholic or familiar with NFP in any way so I am just really hoping that there are things out there that he doesn't know about and that it is NOT hopeless like he seems to believe. I have tried to do some research but I get so very frustrated by just typing different questions into google. I need a second opinion...I need help!!

Does anyone have any experience in this area? Or know anyone who does? I have been reading new blogs and I find information but then I forget where I read things! (Sorry for being such a mess!) I really need to make a chart!

ANY advice would be SO very appreciated and if you made it this far in this rather long post....
THANK YOU!! You rock! ;)




Today I am thankful that it is FRIDAY!

Irish eyes

Today is a holiday :)
These last few weeks have been a bit rough/emotional so it is so nice to just relax and have fun and by golly, wear all the green I possibly can.
Today I am wearing my favorite color on my nails, sporting a bright green shirt, and celebrating life.



I am thinking of one of the sweetest ladies I know, my great Aunt, and how she got these shamrocks when she visited Ireland with my great uncle 20something years ago and then split some and gave a few to my mom and I. I always see them in my kitchen window and think of my aunt and uncle's faith, the wonderful example they always showed us, how I am 1/4 Irish, how I am grateful this is one of the few plants I have managed to not kill, how it's awesome that they close at night and open in the morning...it may seem silly, but it brings me such joy to have green living things in my home (even if I'm not that great at maintaining them :)



I am thinking of how very blessed I am to have a husband with an awesome sense of humor who likes to start new traditions with me (creating an 'Irish' breakfast complete with green eggs, potatoes, ham, yes, green beer too :) and so on...)

Today I am thankful for the life God has given us, and for days that remind us to celebrate the good and happy and silly moments with family, SIL's, and even random new friends.



Old Irish Blessing
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.


Happy St Patrick's Day!