Are you seriously kidding me, AF??!
I cannot start my bloodwork until CD5 and I cannot get to CD5 if you won't just come already!!
I have HAD IT with you and your ridiculous antics so will you please stop tormenting me with this pre-CD1 spotting and just start for real!! UGH.
I hate over-analyzing everything!
I just want to be done with this last cycle and move on so we can get some answers!
I even give you permission to come this time and then you have to make it that much harder by messing with my mind.
Do.
Not.
Need.
This.
Right now.
I am SO over you, AF.
Feels good to write that down somewhere. Do NOT like being extra emotional. Sorry to be a downer...
Thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I'm not patient at all.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Father's Day
I wasn't expecting to need a post to talk about Father's Day.
Sure, Mother's Day I was all prepared to experience the pain, emptiness, and longing that any IFer dreads on the day that celebrates moms. But Father's Day would be different (so I thought).
I woke and the first thing Dh says is that he got an email wishing him a happy father's day from a local prolife group complete with an image of a dad holding a little one.
"That was a low blow," he said. The message meant no harm, of course, but for a couple who has been praying, dreaming, hoping for such a little blessing, it was difficult.
The feelings came up again in Mass when at the end the priest called for all fathers, grandfathers, soon-to-be fathers, and.....godfathers to stand up to receive a blessing. I felt so awful just like I did on Mother's Day and so in the moment I nudged Dh that he should stand since he is a godfather. I said that D (our godson) would want him to. When he sat back down, he said it just didn't feel right and neither of us could hide our sadness after that.
In the car on the way home he started talking about his Grandpa who passed away a few years ago. His Gm and Gp raised him and his sister and brother so this was the only father he had known. We talked about what an amazing man he was and how much he taught him and then Dh called his Gm to let her know we were thinking about her. He then got excited and wanted to text his BIL who just found out he was going to be a dad a few weeks ago (see last post) and said how happy he was for him. Then he called his brother who has our sweet godson, and who will also have a baby girl in November. There is a picture that I took of Dh's brother in the hospital holding D when he was born and the love you can see in his face is a look that I just cannot wait to see from my Dh. I just know he has the capacity to love our own children with everything he has.
He has such an amazing heart. Always willing to help anyone at a moment's notice and he just so wonderful with kids! Now, I love being a nanny and spending time with small ones, but if we go somewhere with new children, he is always the one that gets them to open up first. Next thing I know, he will be on the floor with a play stethoscope around his neck assessing the stuffed patient of a toddler. (Definitely a big kid himself and I love it!) He sometimes says that kids do not like him till they are two. I know this is the age when they are easier to play with but I know he will learn how to snuggle with a newborn when we have one.
I see him with his cousins.
I see it when he's talking to my 12 year old sister.
I see him with our nephew.
Heck, I even see him "snuggle" with our dog and I think about what a great dad he will be.
(We have a big 'ol furball who regularly sits on Dh's recliner with him. 45 pounds is NOT a lap-dog by the way! She is definitely his "baby" at the moment..ha.)
We have talked before about the people he works with and how having a baby for some is something just plain undesired. We were unfortunate enough to be at one of his co-workers' house for a football game shortly after they found out they were pg. We were even more unlucky that his wife decided it would be a grand time to show everyone the video of when she told her husband they were pregnant. (Seriously?!)
I believe his reaction was something to the tune of "holy s*#! and he didn't mean it in a good way.
UGH.
My Dh then for months had to listen to this guy talk of how "his time" was over and how he wouldn't have any more fun after the baby was born.
I cannot wait till I can tell him the best news ever and see the look on his face! Our lives will never be the same, but it certainly will not be the "end of fun" as some people see it. Will it be challenging?
Of course!!! It will be a huge life change and I'm sure it will take plenty of time adjusting to a life with sleepless nights and mountains of diapers. But I also know that it will be the most incredible moment when we become a family of three and we are able to welcome a living blessing into our home.
I am normally the one more easily discouraged and disheartened by IF, but I have definitely seen little glimpses of how much my Dh wants this as well. I feel better when I think of something that makes the wait seem worth it such as, more time as a married couple, more time to get finances in order, more time for Dh to finish his master's program. I have told him before that maybe God wanted us to wait so he can get his degree and then have more free time to spend with a baby. We know that everything happens for a reason and that God's timing is more perfect than anything we could hope for ourselves....but some days it just feels like it is just that much more time until we get to meet the little person who already seems a part of our family. In our hearts they sure are. We already have the names and all we need are the faces! It is such a bizarre feeling loving someone you've never met and being not sure that you ever will. All we can do is hope and pray that someday we will.
I said before that I still feel quite positive lately and that I feel our time is coming sooner than later.
I will begin my labs in a week or two and I know that we are headed in the right direction with an awesome doctor. We have also talked about adoption lately and I know that we are open to it, but pray that God will fling that door wide open if that is what He wants so there will be no doubt.
I have been more determined than ever lately to not sit and waste this time of waiting away. I do NOT want to be lazy! I am going to do all I can to make sure I can be the best wife, sister, daughter, Catholic I can be so that when God entrusts a little one to me, I can be the best mama possible! The prospect is scary and exciting all at the same time. Dh and I will surely be imperfect messes, but I pray that God will help us be good parents, and our wait with IF will ensure that we will not take any moments for granted.
I am thankful today for my awesome hubby
and pray we get to celebrate him as a dad soon.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. "
-Albert Einstein
Sure, Mother's Day I was all prepared to experience the pain, emptiness, and longing that any IFer dreads on the day that celebrates moms. But Father's Day would be different (so I thought).
I woke and the first thing Dh says is that he got an email wishing him a happy father's day from a local prolife group complete with an image of a dad holding a little one.
"That was a low blow," he said. The message meant no harm, of course, but for a couple who has been praying, dreaming, hoping for such a little blessing, it was difficult.
The feelings came up again in Mass when at the end the priest called for all fathers, grandfathers, soon-to-be fathers, and.....godfathers to stand up to receive a blessing. I felt so awful just like I did on Mother's Day and so in the moment I nudged Dh that he should stand since he is a godfather. I said that D (our godson) would want him to. When he sat back down, he said it just didn't feel right and neither of us could hide our sadness after that.
In the car on the way home he started talking about his Grandpa who passed away a few years ago. His Gm and Gp raised him and his sister and brother so this was the only father he had known. We talked about what an amazing man he was and how much he taught him and then Dh called his Gm to let her know we were thinking about her. He then got excited and wanted to text his BIL who just found out he was going to be a dad a few weeks ago (see last post) and said how happy he was for him. Then he called his brother who has our sweet godson, and who will also have a baby girl in November. There is a picture that I took of Dh's brother in the hospital holding D when he was born and the love you can see in his face is a look that I just cannot wait to see from my Dh. I just know he has the capacity to love our own children with everything he has.
He has such an amazing heart. Always willing to help anyone at a moment's notice and he just so wonderful with kids! Now, I love being a nanny and spending time with small ones, but if we go somewhere with new children, he is always the one that gets them to open up first. Next thing I know, he will be on the floor with a play stethoscope around his neck assessing the stuffed patient of a toddler. (Definitely a big kid himself and I love it!) He sometimes says that kids do not like him till they are two. I know this is the age when they are easier to play with but I know he will learn how to snuggle with a newborn when we have one.
I see him with his cousins.
I see it when he's talking to my 12 year old sister.
I see him with our nephew.
Heck, I even see him "snuggle" with our dog and I think about what a great dad he will be.
(We have a big 'ol furball who regularly sits on Dh's recliner with him. 45 pounds is NOT a lap-dog by the way! She is definitely his "baby" at the moment..ha.)
We have talked before about the people he works with and how having a baby for some is something just plain undesired. We were unfortunate enough to be at one of his co-workers' house for a football game shortly after they found out they were pg. We were even more unlucky that his wife decided it would be a grand time to show everyone the video of when she told her husband they were pregnant. (Seriously?!)
I believe his reaction was something to the tune of "holy s*#! and he didn't mean it in a good way.
UGH.
My Dh then for months had to listen to this guy talk of how "his time" was over and how he wouldn't have any more fun after the baby was born.
I cannot wait till I can tell him the best news ever and see the look on his face! Our lives will never be the same, but it certainly will not be the "end of fun" as some people see it. Will it be challenging?
Of course!!! It will be a huge life change and I'm sure it will take plenty of time adjusting to a life with sleepless nights and mountains of diapers. But I also know that it will be the most incredible moment when we become a family of three and we are able to welcome a living blessing into our home.
I am normally the one more easily discouraged and disheartened by IF, but I have definitely seen little glimpses of how much my Dh wants this as well. I feel better when I think of something that makes the wait seem worth it such as, more time as a married couple, more time to get finances in order, more time for Dh to finish his master's program. I have told him before that maybe God wanted us to wait so he can get his degree and then have more free time to spend with a baby. We know that everything happens for a reason and that God's timing is more perfect than anything we could hope for ourselves....but some days it just feels like it is just that much more time until we get to meet the little person who already seems a part of our family. In our hearts they sure are. We already have the names and all we need are the faces! It is such a bizarre feeling loving someone you've never met and being not sure that you ever will. All we can do is hope and pray that someday we will.
I said before that I still feel quite positive lately and that I feel our time is coming sooner than later.
I will begin my labs in a week or two and I know that we are headed in the right direction with an awesome doctor. We have also talked about adoption lately and I know that we are open to it, but pray that God will fling that door wide open if that is what He wants so there will be no doubt.
I have been more determined than ever lately to not sit and waste this time of waiting away. I do NOT want to be lazy! I am going to do all I can to make sure I can be the best wife, sister, daughter, Catholic I can be so that when God entrusts a little one to me, I can be the best mama possible! The prospect is scary and exciting all at the same time. Dh and I will surely be imperfect messes, but I pray that God will help us be good parents, and our wait with IF will ensure that we will not take any moments for granted.
I am thankful today for my awesome hubby
and pray we get to celebrate him as a dad soon.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. "
-Albert Einstein
Monday, June 4, 2012
Over the freaking MOON
with excitement for my dear sister FMTP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Umm, hello miracle baby!!
This is literally the only thing I have been able to think about since they told Dh and I on Saturday morning. Everything I do and start thinking is quickly interrupted by....HOLY COW, J is HAVING A BABY!!!
Pregnancy announcements are usually so difficult to hear but this one was met with tears of pure surprise and joy and jumping up and down and ohmygoodnessisthisreallyhappening???! They have waited, prayed, cried, wondered, hoped and been through SO much and I am just beyond myself with JOY for this sweet, wonderful couple.
I will probably never ever understand God and His timing, but I know now the amazing feeling that can come from success after a long IF struggle. And it is not even happening to me! I am only feeling this secondhand and it only makes me more excited than ever for when our big day comes. I have read many of your blogs who have had exciting news to share recently and so I hope these miracles keep spreading to those of you who are still waiting..
This is the biggest dose of hope I have had in a loooong time. This is seriously like hope crack to me and I will probably be bugging her quite often for a fresh supply.
I have told her before that when I pray for all of us to conceive, I have prayed for her boat to come first, but that mine won't be too far behind ;)
Now hers has come and I am praying that God will let us all meet this sweet little soul in 9 months.
Today I am thankful to God that He has blessed this family.
Praying he will keep mama and baby safe and healthy.
And thankful for the reminder that miracles DO happen.
Ps. Thank you for the prayers for my appt on Friday. It was too late to start testing this cycle, so I will begin the full cycle bloodwork next time. Was a bit disappointed that we cannot start right away, but God's timing is perfect, right?
Thursday, May 31, 2012
A few days, a few pictures
Thank you THANK YOU for your sweet comments and birthday wishes! I always love reading what y'all have to say :) I did have a wonderful week and like I said before, I'm really thinking this is going to be a great year! I suppose I sort of feel how you would January 1st...the start of a new year...new chapter.
Even though the place we planned on going to was closed, we found a new place and still got to go dancing. My bday celebrations included family, friends, lots of yummy food, chocolate, my favorite color balloons and.....wait for it.....
a magician! Random? Absolutely. However, I did find out I am strong enough to bend a penny in my hand! (My favorite trick ;)
Dancin' attire.
Memorial Day is always such a wonderful opportunity to be extra prayerful and thankful of all who serve our country! I think about them often but am always thankful for the extra reminder. Dh and I each have cousins who are deployed at the moment and we are praying especially they come home safe. I am just floored when I hear of what they've gone through already or stories of what Dh went through when he was in Iraq. Definitely nothing I will ever experience in my life.
"Thank you" is just not sufficient for their sacrifices.
Weekend sky.
Aaaaaand, I am very proud to announce that I can now check "Capture Lightening" off my bucket list! It stormed last night and into this morning and I was so excited to get this picture when I was driving to work! (Don't worry, I was extra careful ;) I have been wanting to do this for some time and though this won't stop me from trying to get a better shot at some point, for now, I am satisfied.
I have my appointment tomorrow morning at 10am! This month of charting dragged on, so I am excited it is here and I am so ready to start this bloodwork and get a new game plan!
I know that there are no guarantees in life, so I am thankful for this
new year God has given me and pray I will use it to..
not take one moment for granted
trust God AND His timing
appreciate even more the people in my life
tell them so.
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest
appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John
Fitzgerald Kennedy
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Reasons to be happy even though it's CD1...
--Dh came home with these pretties yesterday..
Love gerbera daisies :)
--He has a FOUR day weekend! Even though parts of it have been hard work, we've been able to be together all day. My aunt gave us a ton of shrubs that they didn't want so we're planting them around our fence line. I don't think it would have been nearly so difficult if not for our ridiculously rocky soil! We've been pulling these monster rocks out of the ground and seriously wishing we had a pick axe! We got 8 done today so only 12 left! (ugh...ha)
--It's a pizza, beer and movie night!
--So you think you can dance comes back on tonight! Yes, I am a sucker for any sort of singing or dancing reality shows and no, I'm not making Dh watch it with me ;)
--And last but not least....
Tomorrow is my birthday!!! I really love birthdays (or birthday weeks as we normally stretch it out that long). I will be 26 tomorrow and I am really pretty excited about it.
Call me crazy but I have this feeling that 26 is going to be a really great year. Maybe its just the excitement of feeling like a new chapter is starting but I am definitely looking forward to finding out what God has in store.
"When you believe in God's plan for your life, every age is the perfect age to be!"
-not sure who said this...it's in Dh's GM's house ;)
Well, I'm going to enjoy my super healthy dinner. (Yay for calories not counting during birthday week!!)
I am thankful for....
Everything listed above! :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
--Dh came home with these pretties yesterday..
Love gerbera daisies :)
--He has a FOUR day weekend! Even though parts of it have been hard work, we've been able to be together all day. My aunt gave us a ton of shrubs that they didn't want so we're planting them around our fence line. I don't think it would have been nearly so difficult if not for our ridiculously rocky soil! We've been pulling these monster rocks out of the ground and seriously wishing we had a pick axe! We got 8 done today so only 12 left! (ugh...ha)
--It's a pizza, beer and movie night!
--So you think you can dance comes back on tonight! Yes, I am a sucker for any sort of singing or dancing reality shows and no, I'm not making Dh watch it with me ;)
--And last but not least....
Tomorrow is my birthday!!! I really love birthdays (or birthday weeks as we normally stretch it out that long). I will be 26 tomorrow and I am really pretty excited about it.
Call me crazy but I have this feeling that 26 is going to be a really great year. Maybe its just the excitement of feeling like a new chapter is starting but I am definitely looking forward to finding out what God has in store.
"When you believe in God's plan for your life, every age is the perfect age to be!"
-not sure who said this...it's in Dh's GM's house ;)
Well, I'm going to enjoy my super healthy dinner. (Yay for calories not counting during birthday week!!)
I am thankful for....
Everything listed above! :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:..a perfect age to be
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Girly-ness
Well, that's that. Another Mother's Day down.
Celebrated 3 grandmas and a momma, 4 cards, 4 flower arrangements, 1 Mother's Day blessing at mass, and a bulletin with a beautiful image of Mary and Jesus on the front that said Happy Mother's Day, my GM asking me when it will be my turn for a M's Day...
All of that I managed fine and didn't even get emotional all day, and yet it was the momma with baby in front of me at the grocery store yesterday that nearly did me in.
Go figure, right?
Apparently facing an under 3 month, perfect toed, sweet faced little one causes my judgement to go hazy because then I start wondering things like if kidnapping would still be considered a felony if the baby gets a really great home??
I kid, of course, but OH those pink, perfect toes!!
Anyhow...
This weekend was busy, but good with a wedding Saturday night and M's Day festivities. The wedding was one of the fanciest I had ever been to! (Think 17th floor and chandeliers.) My only complaint was the lack of country music to dance to. Our dance moves are rather limited so we found ourselves two stepping to Sinatra but oh well. We have fun no matter what :) This event also gave me a chance to wear bright red lips.
I'm totally not normally one to get excited about makeup but I have to say that Maybelline's 24hr super stay really did the trick! I've never had something stay on all night without it getting weird or fading (even after eating, drinking, kissing.. ;)
I got my hair cut on Friday too, so I was trying out all sorts of new on Saturday.
New shorter cut and more bangs this time.
And here are the flower arrangements I made for my Mom, both of my GMs, and Dh's GM.
Good thing I like doing flowers!
I was definitely thinking of all of you who are mommas now and praying this will be the last year for those of us who are waiting to be mommas!
Well, I've never really thought of myself as a particularly "girly" girl, but then I realize this post is all about flowers, makeup, hair....good grief. ;)
Thankful for the perfect weather last night that allowed Dh and I to sit out in
our open garage last night to watch the Rangers. It's the little things..
Celebrated 3 grandmas and a momma, 4 cards, 4 flower arrangements, 1 Mother's Day blessing at mass, and a bulletin with a beautiful image of Mary and Jesus on the front that said Happy Mother's Day, my GM asking me when it will be my turn for a M's Day...
All of that I managed fine and didn't even get emotional all day, and yet it was the momma with baby in front of me at the grocery store yesterday that nearly did me in.
Go figure, right?
Apparently facing an under 3 month, perfect toed, sweet faced little one causes my judgement to go hazy because then I start wondering things like if kidnapping would still be considered a felony if the baby gets a really great home??
I kid, of course, but OH those pink, perfect toes!!
Anyhow...
This weekend was busy, but good with a wedding Saturday night and M's Day festivities. The wedding was one of the fanciest I had ever been to! (Think 17th floor and chandeliers.) My only complaint was the lack of country music to dance to. Our dance moves are rather limited so we found ourselves two stepping to Sinatra but oh well. We have fun no matter what :) This event also gave me a chance to wear bright red lips.
I'm totally not normally one to get excited about makeup but I have to say that Maybelline's 24hr super stay really did the trick! I've never had something stay on all night without it getting weird or fading (even after eating, drinking, kissing.. ;)
I got my hair cut on Friday too, so I was trying out all sorts of new on Saturday.
New shorter cut and more bangs this time.
And here are the flower arrangements I made for my Mom, both of my GMs, and Dh's GM.
Good thing I like doing flowers!
I was definitely thinking of all of you who are mommas now and praying this will be the last year for those of us who are waiting to be mommas!
Well, I've never really thought of myself as a particularly "girly" girl, but then I realize this post is all about flowers, makeup, hair....good grief. ;)
Thankful for the perfect weather last night that allowed Dh and I to sit out in
our open garage last night to watch the Rangers. It's the little things..
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Breakthrough
Three babies born and three pg announcements (one with their THIRD baby, married the same year we were) in the past two weeks. Wow.
That's not what this post is about, but I just had to get that out of the way first.
I am a little behind on reading and commenting but I am trying to catch up. These past few weeks have been extremely difficult as well as emotionally draining, and it hasn't even been because of IF.
It's been my marriage.
I thought quite a while about whether or not I would post about this..last week, I almost wrote a,
"please pray for us, things are really not so great right now" post, but I didn't.
Apparently I can post all day about IF and the hardships/emotions that go along with it but I am finding it difficult to admit that my marriage is anything but fantastic. Even to (mostly) complete strangers! I decided to write a post about it after all to sort through emotions and to just be able to talk about it in general. I have felt so alone (and even embarrassed to be in this situation) and have not wanted to open up about this to anyone IRL. I never wanted to speak poorly of my Dh or bring it up that I couldn't handle it.
As the title would suggest though, this story does have a happy ending, and that is really the only reason why I am able to write this at all.
For as long as we have been married, we have worked to combine mindsets, ideas, expectations, from 20+ years before meeting each other. This is nothing new. Two people coming together who have been molded with completely different habits and ways of thinking and doing things and it is the idea that you will both take what you know from each and figure out how to do things from there. Every married couple goes through this.
The semi-short version is that I have certain things I have struggled with my entire life. One of them is timeliness. My whole family has traditionally been late to nearly every event over the years and as you could guess, this made things quite difficult when I married a 'even one minute late means complete failure principle of the matter, Marine.' I do not blame him for this...it is how he was raised and taught and I actually admire this quality in him so much! (I mean, could you imagine how messed up it would be having kids and TWO of us who couldn't be on time?!)
I have tried to correct this terrible bad habit for years and just keep coming up short. I have certainly put my poor Dh through quite a lot over the years and I am not pleased with myself because of it. My lack of time management skills have been a major source of tension for as long as we've been together. Let me just say though that I have always agreed with his intentions of helping me to be on time/responsible/courteous of others' time, etc.. (things I very much want to improve in myself) ...I have only disagreed with his methods and how he has gone about "helping" me do this.
(There is more to this story, but I don't think it is necessary to explain every single detail)
Two thoughts have always pulled at me very hard in opposite directions...
The first, a loud voice saying to myself..."Why can't you just be on time and gets things done when you are supposed to? Why can't you just change?? What the hell is wrong with you??!
The second, a more subdued voice saying..."I don't deserve to be treated like this. I know this is not how things should be."
These voices have repeated themselves over and over again and I could never seem to reconcile them.
Things had been so good earlier this year. Everything, it seemed, had clicked into place and we were just so happy together. Things started to fall apart again about a month ago.
Hurtful things were said. Many, many tears and conversations and prayers. Things got better, but the sting of the words was still there. To feel better I would have to tell myself, "God still loves me.."
One day last week I was driving to pick him up and sitting in traffic I realized I was going to be late.
I started having a panic attack. Or at least I think that's what it was.
I started having trouble breathing, felt light headed, my arm and legs and one small spot on my stomach started tingling and then went numb. I thought I was going to have to pull over but I was afraid of being even later than I already was so I kept going.
My self esteem was very low. My stress way up. And there was absolutely no one I wanted to open up to.
Then, this past Sunday, we had a breakthrough.
We had a conversation full of ups and downs but we were able to keep it together...
I very calmly said that I feel like a project instead of a person..not like his wife, but like a problem to be solved. I told him that I know I've put him through a lot and that I have issues, but what I need from him are encouragement and prayers, not him constantly trying to "fix" me. I have felt like his love and respect for me are solely dependent on whether I have checked everything off of my to-do list for the day. I know without a doubt that he loves me no matter what, but I told him I want to feel like it as well.
For whatever reason, this time, after many many conversations, it made an impact.
I could tell immediately that he was sorry for how he had been treating me and he said so.
I know that it wasn't just a "I need to be nicer to you" that was normally said lightheartedly. It was truly genuine.
I have two quotes that I wrote on a piece of paper and gave to him.
"Be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet!"
And,
"God loves you just the way you are today, but he loves you much too much to let you stay that way."
I told Dh that is how I hope things can go from now on. I want to be loved unconditionally, but I also want encouragement to become the person God has called me to be. To never stop growing. Improving. I hope I never get to the point where I think I am perfect and no longer have any need to improve. I have a tremendous desire to become that good, holy, organized, timely wife that I should be. However, I need to know that you still love me even if I didn't iron enough shirts for the week, or didn't make it to the grocery store that day.
I can say that I am extremely happy about the way things have been just in the few days since this happened. The change has been so amazingly freeing. It feels like a weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders! He knows that he can stop trying to "fix" me and leave that up to God, and I can set my own goals and improve without any panic attacks or fear of being called a failure.
He really is such an amazing man and I know God put us together for a reason. We would always joke and say that he needs to learn from me to stop and smell the roses and I need to learn from him to not stop and smell them all day long ;) We have had SO much fun in these past few days and even though I know we will still have hard times in the future, I know that we will go about things much differently. Loving each other for who we are, and at the same time, encouraging the other to be better...to strive for holiness. To build each other up, not tear each other down. I KNOW that we have both been changed for good! Thank you Lord!
And, I might add, that I have been on time/early to work the past 5 times in a row! Though this may not seem like much to some (I am ashamed to say this is definitely NOT the norm for me), it is certainly a good start. It takes constant vigilance on my part and a "you don't have time for that, your first priority right now is to be on time" mantra in my head while getting ready. I am hoping and praying to keep up this winning streak! I truly want to change and be someone people can count on and be proud of and even to set a good example for our future little ones!
Despite this trying time, we have both learned a lot and for better or worse it is part of our story.
Dh and I are definitely not perfect, but I am more optimistic about our future than I have ever been, and I NEVER want to revisit the place we were.
I wanted to write this all out, mostly for a bit of closure for me. To get it all out, and then move on. I also, in a weird way, like explaining this certain weakness of mine for increased accountability. (As if anyone ever believed I was even close to perfect, you now know the truth ;)
I may even delete this at some point but for right now I feel better getting it all out of the way.
I cannot help but believe that God absolutely knows what he is doing and that when He does choose to bless us with children, we will be all the better for the time He gave us while waiting.
Today I am thankful for new beginnings. For struggles that help us grow, and for a wonderful Dh who is willing to get through the "not so fun" to continue to grow and find joy with me.
That's not what this post is about, but I just had to get that out of the way first.
I am a little behind on reading and commenting but I am trying to catch up. These past few weeks have been extremely difficult as well as emotionally draining, and it hasn't even been because of IF.
It's been my marriage.
I thought quite a while about whether or not I would post about this..last week, I almost wrote a,
"please pray for us, things are really not so great right now" post, but I didn't.
Apparently I can post all day about IF and the hardships/emotions that go along with it but I am finding it difficult to admit that my marriage is anything but fantastic. Even to (mostly) complete strangers! I decided to write a post about it after all to sort through emotions and to just be able to talk about it in general. I have felt so alone (and even embarrassed to be in this situation) and have not wanted to open up about this to anyone IRL. I never wanted to speak poorly of my Dh or bring it up that I couldn't handle it.
As the title would suggest though, this story does have a happy ending, and that is really the only reason why I am able to write this at all.
For as long as we have been married, we have worked to combine mindsets, ideas, expectations, from 20+ years before meeting each other. This is nothing new. Two people coming together who have been molded with completely different habits and ways of thinking and doing things and it is the idea that you will both take what you know from each and figure out how to do things from there. Every married couple goes through this.
The semi-short version is that I have certain things I have struggled with my entire life. One of them is timeliness. My whole family has traditionally been late to nearly every event over the years and as you could guess, this made things quite difficult when I married a 'even one minute late means complete failure principle of the matter, Marine.' I do not blame him for this...it is how he was raised and taught and I actually admire this quality in him so much! (I mean, could you imagine how messed up it would be having kids and TWO of us who couldn't be on time?!)
I have tried to correct this terrible bad habit for years and just keep coming up short. I have certainly put my poor Dh through quite a lot over the years and I am not pleased with myself because of it. My lack of time management skills have been a major source of tension for as long as we've been together. Let me just say though that I have always agreed with his intentions of helping me to be on time/responsible/courteous of others' time, etc.. (things I very much want to improve in myself) ...I have only disagreed with his methods and how he has gone about "helping" me do this.
(There is more to this story, but I don't think it is necessary to explain every single detail)
Two thoughts have always pulled at me very hard in opposite directions...
The first, a loud voice saying to myself..."Why can't you just be on time and gets things done when you are supposed to? Why can't you just change?? What the hell is wrong with you??!
The second, a more subdued voice saying..."I don't deserve to be treated like this. I know this is not how things should be."
These voices have repeated themselves over and over again and I could never seem to reconcile them.
Things had been so good earlier this year. Everything, it seemed, had clicked into place and we were just so happy together. Things started to fall apart again about a month ago.
Hurtful things were said. Many, many tears and conversations and prayers. Things got better, but the sting of the words was still there. To feel better I would have to tell myself, "God still loves me.."
One day last week I was driving to pick him up and sitting in traffic I realized I was going to be late.
I started having a panic attack. Or at least I think that's what it was.
I started having trouble breathing, felt light headed, my arm and legs and one small spot on my stomach started tingling and then went numb. I thought I was going to have to pull over but I was afraid of being even later than I already was so I kept going.
My self esteem was very low. My stress way up. And there was absolutely no one I wanted to open up to.
Then, this past Sunday, we had a breakthrough.
We had a conversation full of ups and downs but we were able to keep it together...
I very calmly said that I feel like a project instead of a person..not like his wife, but like a problem to be solved. I told him that I know I've put him through a lot and that I have issues, but what I need from him are encouragement and prayers, not him constantly trying to "fix" me. I have felt like his love and respect for me are solely dependent on whether I have checked everything off of my to-do list for the day. I know without a doubt that he loves me no matter what, but I told him I want to feel like it as well.
For whatever reason, this time, after many many conversations, it made an impact.
I could tell immediately that he was sorry for how he had been treating me and he said so.
I know that it wasn't just a "I need to be nicer to you" that was normally said lightheartedly. It was truly genuine.
I have two quotes that I wrote on a piece of paper and gave to him.
"Be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet!"
And,
"God loves you just the way you are today, but he loves you much too much to let you stay that way."
I told Dh that is how I hope things can go from now on. I want to be loved unconditionally, but I also want encouragement to become the person God has called me to be. To never stop growing. Improving. I hope I never get to the point where I think I am perfect and no longer have any need to improve. I have a tremendous desire to become that good, holy, organized, timely wife that I should be. However, I need to know that you still love me even if I didn't iron enough shirts for the week, or didn't make it to the grocery store that day.
I can say that I am extremely happy about the way things have been just in the few days since this happened. The change has been so amazingly freeing. It feels like a weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders! He knows that he can stop trying to "fix" me and leave that up to God, and I can set my own goals and improve without any panic attacks or fear of being called a failure.
He really is such an amazing man and I know God put us together for a reason. We would always joke and say that he needs to learn from me to stop and smell the roses and I need to learn from him to not stop and smell them all day long ;) We have had SO much fun in these past few days and even though I know we will still have hard times in the future, I know that we will go about things much differently. Loving each other for who we are, and at the same time, encouraging the other to be better...to strive for holiness. To build each other up, not tear each other down. I KNOW that we have both been changed for good! Thank you Lord!
And, I might add, that I have been on time/early to work the past 5 times in a row! Though this may not seem like much to some (I am ashamed to say this is definitely NOT the norm for me), it is certainly a good start. It takes constant vigilance on my part and a "you don't have time for that, your first priority right now is to be on time" mantra in my head while getting ready. I am hoping and praying to keep up this winning streak! I truly want to change and be someone people can count on and be proud of and even to set a good example for our future little ones!
Despite this trying time, we have both learned a lot and for better or worse it is part of our story.
Dh and I are definitely not perfect, but I am more optimistic about our future than I have ever been, and I NEVER want to revisit the place we were.
I wanted to write this all out, mostly for a bit of closure for me. To get it all out, and then move on. I also, in a weird way, like explaining this certain weakness of mine for increased accountability. (As if anyone ever believed I was even close to perfect, you now know the truth ;)
I may even delete this at some point but for right now I feel better getting it all out of the way.
I cannot help but believe that God absolutely knows what he is doing and that when He does choose to bless us with children, we will be all the better for the time He gave us while waiting.
Today I am thankful for new beginnings. For struggles that help us grow, and for a wonderful Dh who is willing to get through the "not so fun" to continue to grow and find joy with me.
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