A sharing the good post

 I don't want this place to be merely a outlet to vent on those not so good days. I'd like to share more good things as well...because despite the struggles, my life really is chalk-full of good things as well, and of course I know this, but I think it's important for me to put them in writing now and then soo....
 (hello run-on sentence. lol.)


1. I love waking up to a clean house! For some reason, it makes me feel like good things will happen today. We'll see if it stays that way this weekend..ha.

2. I like smoothies for breakfast.

3. I wanted to share this little gem I came across via a friend on fb this morning..again, no name for the quote, but I settled into these words this morning and felt such a peace after doing so.

"Wait for God's timing, but never doubt His ability. The same God who spoke you into creation, can just as easily change your circumstances."

This is definitely going on our bathroom mirror, like...today!!

4. I absolutely love pictures. But more on that later...today I will leave you will two very old pictures that I took several years ago, but they just seem to go with that anything can happen today theme.

5. Happy Friday y'all!





Thankful for good mornings and happy thoughts.
Little blessings are the best.

Not yet.

New iPhone 5s for Dh and I.

Just got my car back from being in the shop over two weeks and it looks like new. (We were rear-ended)

It's a beautiful day outside.

Made homemade salsa with Dh and enjoying a relaxing Saturday watching football and just being with him.
(I love lazy Saturdays like this)

..

But we are still not parents. Not yet anyway.

Today is CD3. I went to the drug store to refill my clomid for next month.
Still grateful for this new plan, but feeling a bit deflated as well.

It's not that I really expected all the pieces to come together this time, but it's just that I really thought that they did.
I had several moments where I knew I felt different and I just knew (or thought I did) that this was really it. Maybe it was just the HCG. Maybe I just wished/hoped/talked myself into feeling different. Can't be sure. But my answer for this month is not yet. I'm just on the down swing of this IF roller coaster right now but I am quite sure in a few days I will start feeling my spirits rise once again. I'll certainly try not to dwell on this past month for too much longer...I know I'll soon feel the promise of a new month and a new opportunity to open myself up to God's will and His timing.

Just going to enjoy this day we have been given, because this day is a gift.
Every day is.





"Waiting is just a gift of time in disguise--a time to pray wrapped up in a ribbon of patience--because is The Lord ever late?"
(A friend posted this a while back, but didn't say who's quote it is)



Thankful for crack salsa (yes, it's that good) to distract me and an ever positive Dh.

Something for you.

First of all, I must say I am just THRILLED that Fall seems to have come at last! Now I don't want to jinx it or anything, but if this lovely weather will continue, I will be one happy girl indeed :)

With Fall though, seems to have come all the crazy that life can seem to throw at me. I went to bed Saturday night completely physically and emotionally exhausted and slept for about 12 hours! I never do that! I was definitely looking forward to Sunday as a day of relaxing after church.

Mass turned out to be more difficult than I had anticipated. Our priest spoke of difficulties and that no matter what you are going through, you will get through it and you will be okay. That when all you can see is your struggle, try to step back and see the bigger picture. My initial reaction was a bit cocky I guess you could say...I was all.. Yep, IF sure sucks the life out of you, but one day it will end and we will have our family and we'll all be okay. I know that. Because that's what I've been telling myself for a long time.

Then came the songs. Oh, goodness knows I read WAY too much into songs. The first was the Prayer of St. Francis. Beautiful. I love this song. O Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul.
But Sunday what I actually heard was...get over yourself! Everyone has struggles and you need to focus on being the understander not the understood and doing what you can for others and loving those around you with all you have and using the gifts you have now! Of course my mind was going a mile a minute and then the second song....
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. And then this starts...this is it, isn't it?? Is it I, Lord? We're not supposed to ever have kids and I'm just going to have to get over it and carry this cross and love with all my soul and hold His people in my heart but it will never be the same as holding my children and oh my goodness, I'm being so selfish right now!!...
Good grief, someone stop me now!!

Well, a little big dose of humility is good sometimes, right? The big picture and what I've taken from my moments of madness is that if God doesn't bless us with children, we will be okay. I know this deep down because He loves us. Of course I am hoping and praying with all my heart that this is not the case. I just needed to think those thoughts and say them out loud...thinking through that worse case scenario and realizing that if that does indeed happen, life will go on and God will still love us. I asked/begged God again that if He does not wish us to be parents that He will please take that desire away.

I told my Dh all of this after Mass of course and I told him that the biggest thing right now is not that I am not hopeful. The problem is that I have SO much hope that I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I have an even longer way to fall. (I just finished my fourth and final HCG shot yesterday and now we are just waiting.) I said that I have this over abundance of hope that I have tried to shove down a few pegs or hide but it just won't seem to budge. And that scares me.
He told me not to be scared of the hope but to hold on to it! I am definitely trying.

It is just that this is so very near my heart. With my whole being I desire to be a mother. To rock my littles in my arms, to kiss those tiny feet. I have wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. In my sister's yearbook where the kids say what they want to be when they grow up, a little boy wrote he wanted to be a mommy. I just love that! He doesn't know yet that he cannot be a mommy, but he knows enough to know they are very special. I have loved on and stolen kisses from the babies I nanny for even if they are not mine. Having children is not something I want just because everyone around me is having them, although this certainly makes it more painful. I have never really been one to want to do what everyone else is doing anyway. I do want to be part of "the crowd" of course, but it goes so much deeper than that. I've never just wanted "to get pregnant." What I want more than anything is to meet my babies.  They are specific. They are wonderful. And they are ours. My Dh and I have had a few names for a few years now and I feel like they are already ours. I sometimes look around our house during the day and wonder what it will be like to call those names and actually hear pitter patters of little feet in our halls. To hear them laugh with their daddy.
I sometimes feel that if I allow myself to feel the full weight of this most precious desire of my heart, that I will just crumble beneath it. So, I leave most of those gushy feelings in a back room that holds that empty, folded up crib, a jogging stroller, and a baby blanket my mom got us with our last name on it. I usually am able to push these feelings down with, "This too shall pass, God's timing is perfect, I'm sure it will happen soon" and all the other phrases I use to distract myself. But what I've realized is that I can feel both sides. I can feel the weight of this desire and at the same time embrace the hope and know that I am buoyed by God's unfailing love.

One thing I know with absolute certainty...our babies will always know how loved they are. They will know that they were hoped for, prayed for and wanted. We will tell them what an incredible gift they are and how long we thought of, and prayed for the day we would meet. I truly feel like I will meet them. Because in my head they are just too wonderful not to ever exist. I sometimes feel they are already here...somewhere...and just because God has not let us meet yet doesn't mean it will never happen.

Okay. Yes, that feels good. I'm sure this seems like a whole lot of crazy at once but I have been holding these things in for so long and I knew they had to come out eventually.

On Saturday my Dh's Gm re-taught me how to crochet. She showed me months ago but I put it down and then couldn't remember. I have now found that it is somewhat addicting. It is a kind of therapy to see those strands weave together and create something new. Once I felt fairly confident with my "practice" piece, I dug through my craft supplies and found some yarn I had bought months ago for some home project. I have made things for other people's children but this?...
This I am going to keep. This will be for my baby. It is green and soft and perfect.
Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but I don't care. I am going to make this blanket and allow myself to feel both. I will feel this huge elephant of hope I have and I will also feel this desire of my heart. I worked on it this morning as I prayed my rosary and the two didn't clash today. Today they were perfectly woven together. Pray. Hope. Crochet. Hello sweet therapy.



I will not lose hope in you, sweet little one. I am making you something because I know I will see you soon and I want you to have something from your mama. I am not yet sure if you will be conceived or adopted but nevertheless you are now and will always be in my heart. I miss you dearly, but I know God is holding you, and you are in the best possible place you can be right now. I will keep fighting for you until God tells me to stop. I love you.


I will not shove hope down anymore. Hope and I are friends now.
I am thankful for this hope.
And for Fall :)


Ps. Anyone needing extra therapy should totally try making something with yarn! I think I really am mesmerized or something..lol. I am going to try to crochet instead of spending time on fb this week, because everyone knows fb is a really dark place anyway, right?! Who's with me?!

Growing

Two nights ago, I was able to talk to my little sister for the first time in a month.

She is going through training for NET (National Evangelization Team) right now in Minnesota.
This is a program where older youth (mostly college age) will go through training and then be put on a team to either stay at one parish or travel the country for a school year all the while ministering to middle school and high school age youth. This is her first time away from home for an extended period of time and it has been an adjustment for her, my parents and youngest sister, and even for me. We have always been pretty good friends in that finish-sentences-laugh-together-silly-sister kind of way and though through college we didn't talk a ton, I always knew I could call her and catch up when needed.

She has been there just right about a month and since their days are packed and are even without their phones for periods of time, we have not been able to talk since she left. I was very glad she was able to call during their laundry time the other day.

I knew NET would do amazing things for her faith and life in general but I have to say I was completely blown away by the change in her even after only a few weeks.

It was so wonderful to hear the joy and excitement in her voice as she recapped her time there. She has always been a good Catholic, involved with church activities, pro-life, outgoing...etc...but she has her faults like everyone else (duh!) and the past months after graduating college have been times of uncertainty for her. Living with my parents. Trying to figure out what to do with life. What to do about her boyfriend. You get the idea.

What I heard on the phone was a girl who has grown tremendously in a short period of time. I started thinking about how we were raised and we are certainly different, but there are certain shortcomings that we both share. It was so amazing to hear her talk about how she has realized there are things she needs to/wants to work on and change about herself. Some of these things, lack of self-discipline, issues with timeliness (my family was always late to everything! Ugh!) are both things we have in common and also things that she has never before seen as a real problem.

I started thinking about God and how He of course knows us, knows our hearts, and puts us in situations where we can grow into the people he wants us to be. For me, it has been my dear husband, and for her, NET. I have struggled with those things forever and God in his wisdom put me with an amazing man who succeeds in places I fall short. He has encouraged me to keep trying and in the process, I have taught him patience :) as well as tact in expressing himself. I say these things not to speak ill of my sister, my Dh, or even put myself down, but to say that we are all children of God that struggle with different things, and I think it is just beautiful that He puts people and experiences in our lives that help us improve. As a priest said on one retreat I went to "Be patient with me, God isn't finished with me yet!" So true! We are forever a work in progress. She is too, of course. But I thought it was such a neat moment to hear her say that she is ready to work on those things that I have been working on since Dh and I have been married.

Another thing that struck me..

She knows that God has called her to this ministry for a reason and she wants to focus on serving him with her whole heart. She misses home, her boyfriend, our family, but she is trying to keep her heart in the right place. She was talking about how much she desires to be a wife and a mother and that it is easy to jump ahead to thinking about what will happen after this is over. (She is head over heels for this nice, Catholic boy and would totally marry him anytime, I think ;) She said she has prayed that God will take away those desires for a time so she can concentrate on her mission at this time, and if these things are not what He desires for her, that He will take them completely. This made me think of the times I have thought of my own desires to be a mother and prayed that God will help me to desire the things that He wants for me. I have talked to my sister about our struggle with IF, and I know she tries to understand, but while I was getting married and thinking about these things, she was in college and going out with friends and such. We were just in such different places in our life.
This was one of the first times in quite a while I felt like I could really relate to her and she to me. We finally have something that unites us in our lives that is a little deeper than liking the same music and movies.

After I got off the phone, I really felt that I had been on a mini retreat myself! Listening to her growing faith and excitement was inspiring to me and made me so thankful that God puts us right where we need to be.

Every heartache, every uncertainty, disappointment and pain God can and will use to unite us to him in our suffering, and help us to grow in holiness. If there is one thing IF has taught me, it's that every single person has a cross to bear. Something they are working through or dealing with. IF is such a silent struggle that you just never know who may be going through the same thing. Perhaps the person at the store who seems either uninterested in helping you or even unkind has just received another BFN or is on their Nth treatment. There are times you just want so badly for someone to understand. This community has been a blessing in that way. For a moment in our phone conversation, I got a glimpse of something more. A common goal. A shared struggle.  Even if it's not IF related, I at least hope that dealing with IF has made me a more compassionate person.

The waiting, the disappointments, the jealousy, crying, and uncertainty that go hand in hand with IF can all suck it. But the things I hope I bring with me after leaving this Island are compassion for others struggles, and a fierce live-for-the-moment-grateful-for-blessings attitude towards life.
I am praying that whatever God wishes us to have that he will place the proper desires in our hearts.
No matter how long it takes, or what he has in store, His plan will be the best one, but sometimes
it is nice to know you are not in a struggle alone.

I've been doing so much keep-you-up-at-night thinking about everything lately. It is nice to have a place to attempt to untangle those thoughts.



I am thankful for the people that God gives us
to help us grow.
I am thankful for my sister. For what God is
doing in her life. And I am quite proud of her.

Returning to blogland

I think it's time to come back.


I didn't intend on taking such a long break after my last post...it just sort of happened.


I've had many topics I could have written about that have been swirling in my head for weeks, but nothing ever seemed to make it into a post.  I've had lots of time to think and though I am still working through a few things, I do believe I'll be able to sort it out enough to write more in depth for posts in the coming weeks.

 I'll start with a very good thing.

Last Wednesday was our third anniversary!! Three years down and looking forward to 238,712 more lovely ones to come. Well, I would settle for 75 I suppose.
A few pics from a few years ago.

We started the celebrations the weekend before with a "reverse date"! My Dh is so awesome and knows how much I love dessert. We I have been wanting to try this sweets place where you can make ice cream sandwiches by picking any kind of cookie and ice cream you want. The past few dates, we have eaten dinner first and then been too full/tired to go for dessert.
So, Saturday, despite the rain, we went to the sweet place first and then to dinner after. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart, got the Hunger Games (which had just come out!) and went home for our movie. It was so lovely and nice to do something different for a change!

Then on Wednesday, our actual anniversary, we went downtown for another nice evening.

I have to say, in the midst of things that go wrong, are unexpected or difficult, it was sure nice to spend the whole week being thankful for the biggest blessing God has given us...our marriage. (Thankful everyday of course, though)
We have had our ups and downs and I can honestly say that this third year has been our best yet! We have worked through so much and I cannot even believe how blessed we are to have each other. (goeswithoutsayingbutIwillanyway... I crazy love this man!!:) Going into our fourth year I have such high hopes that God will continue to bless us.  I pray that no matter what happens (good, bad, ugly, or fantastic) I will be able to approach each situation or even challenge with the mindset that God loves us, we have our lives, and we have each other. There are no guarantees in life, and I want more than anything to wake up everyday thinking of our haves and not the have-nots.

With that said, we would love nothing more on this earth than to be blessed with a child. When I left off last I believe I had just finished my last bloodwork appointment. At my doctors appointment, he said that most of my hormones look fine, except for that darn progesterone. Apparently it starts out okay and then drops after the peak time. He prescribed clomid for days 5-9 and then I will start HCG injections on P+3, P+5, 7, and 9.  I am definitely a bit nervous about having shots at home. When I had the HCG booster before, it was only one shot and it was done by a nurse. My Dh has said he will do them, but I just want to make sure and not mess anything up! If nothing happens in three months, he will send me to Austin for surgery. I think this would be to check and see if my tubes are open, no endo and that sort of thing. I am pretty hopeful it will not come to that but who knows. I don't want to totally psych myself up to be completely let down either!

 As nervous as I am about the shots, I say...bring it on!! I am definitely glad to have a new game plan, and besides if this is what it takes to get to meet our sweet babies, then I will gladly do it! I am even glad that there was some sort of problem. I would hate for them to say, "Don't see anything wrong, not sure what to do with you!" 

Lord knows I have had my meltdowns in the past weeks. Those times I know it is only Jesus that holds me because normally I am by myself when it hits me out of nowhere. I am grateful for my life, for my wonderful husband of three years, and feel in my heart that God would not give me this desire to be a mother without something coming from it. If not biological, then adopted (and maybe even both anyway) and if not that, then nannying, and if not that then just loving the heck our of my nieces and nephews and any other children I can find.

I haven't been commenting much lately, but I have certainly kept you in my prayers through your individual ups and downs. My heart has both rejoiced and broken with many things I have read recently. Through it all, I am still thankful for this community.

Thank your for your prayers for me too. I appreciate it more than you know!


A lot of thanks was already in this post,
 so I'll leave it at that for today.

Random quick updates

1.
I am DONE with my tenth and FINAL bloodwork!!! Last Friday I waited in the little office and greeted those who have taken my blood over the past few weeks for the last time. (Well, for a while at least..)
I am SO happy to be finished with this part. It has gone pretty well overall. I only really freaked out on the P+7 when they pulled out 5 vials instead of 1! My stomach flopped over and I had a meltdown when I got back in the car. Really though, I've been pretty positive and I am just holding tightly to the reason I'm doing this and pray good will come from it!
My next appt with Dr P is the 27th and I am anxious/hopeful/nervous to get those results and hopefully get some new plan of action.


2. We had a family reunion for Dh's Side last weekend and it was SO much fun!! We drove down to a tiny TX town and enjoyed family fun, food, and winning prizes for the day. (Our crew totally dominated the raffle..guess we should buy some lotto tickets with our luck! ;)
It definitely brought up lots of emotions. Basically I felt an overwhelming mix of happy and sad all at once and I teared up but was fortunately able to calm down quickly. I felt extremely blessed to be part of such a lovely family and watched and listened as family members introduced themselves and their children. I so enjoyed listening Dh's GM and her sisters speak of days past and answer questions about what life was like "back in the day." It was a wonderful reminder to be thankful for the modern conveniences we have today and a great way to gain from the wisdom of a few ladies who knew what it was to do things the hard way and work together as a family. Looking around the room, I was in awe of how the love of two people can grow such a huge family tree and create so many other branches.  I can only hope and pray that Dh and I will be blessed with little ones to branch off and spread their love in the world. I am fascinated by this possibility!

3. We live in a newer edition and we have had open space on one side for two years now. I was so sad to see that they are now building right next door and yesterday sounded something like an earthquake and a thunderstorm were competing for who could be the loudest. Even had a rock flipped up by the thing that tills the ground and hit our kitchen window! Grrr...I just hope we get nice neighbors!!

4. Today I am cleaning our dreadfully disorganized office!! I have done this many times before but things always seem to fall apart again in this room after a few months. This is in part due to our mutual dislike of sorting mail and partly to my habit of bringing hope stray picture frames, vases, and various other thrift store finds which seem to fill up the space quickly.  I cleaned it once when Dh was out of town for a week and I was so proud to surprise him with the difference when he returned home. He was excited too...and then proceeded to rearrange the desk and shelves in there thus making everything a mess again. Ha, oh well. :) Maybe this time it will stick..sure hope so!

5. This past weekend we were visiting family again, this time to see some extended family of mine in AR. It is not very often that we are able to see them and it was SO nice to get to spend some time talking to aunts, uncles, and cousins who are some of my favorite people in the world! Among my family members, they are the fun, devoted Catholic, easy to talk to even after a long while people that I wish lived just a bit closer. I will most likely spend another post talking about our trip, but for now I'll just say that it was a breath of fresh air that was so enjoyed by both of us.

6. Thank you for those who commented with your advice on my last post! I really do appreciate your comments so much!!  I will definitely visit Dr. H's site for more info and continue to research vacuums.

7. Mini date downtown with Dh tonight after he finishes his super long bike ride after work (60 miles, yikes!)   Happy Monday!! :)



Thankful for plenty of space in our lovely house to mess up,
and for washers and dryers to clean all the laundry from our trip!
I can't imagine doing everything "the hard way" like our grandparents!!

So many (random) questions, so little time!

Hello there ladies!

Today I have questions for you. I know that there are many different people out there with different experiences and expertise so I have been thinking about a few things lately and just wondered if y'all have any advice.

First and most importantly, I have questions about two different friends of mine.

The first is the lady with the twins that I nanny for. I have been with this family over two years now and they trust me so I've gotten to know more than a bit about them. The lady, A, from what I understand has really bad endometriosis as well as cysts on her ovaries. She has tried a special diet that is supposed to help endo and she says she does feel better when she is on it. Sometimes though the cysts will grow and (I'm not sure how often but it has happened twice since I have been there) rupture. Those days were so awful for her and she went to the hospital because of the pain. I know she has had surgery about a year ago to laser the cysts but I don't think they want to do that again and add even more scar tissue. The most recent rupture was a few weeks ago and I think she said her doctors are going to want to put her on Lupron (I believe) to help things. They are not Catholic and did IVF to get their twins and do not plan to do it again. I know her doctor has suggested a hysterectomy in the past but she wants to avoid that as long as absolutely possible.

The second lady, M, is the wife of a guy who works with my Dh. They have a girl who is three and a boy who is about 8 months. This family has gone through SO much in the past few years. She has gone into early labor twice now and had her girl around 26wks and her boy at 25wks. We were talking a few weeks ago and she said she read something about progesterone and its importance when she was pg with the boy and asked her doctor about it. He didn't see any use for it and said it wouldn't make a difference. Not wanting to go into pre-term labor like before she got another opinion but he said the same. She said she always wondered if it would have made a difference and would have helped her carry her babies longer. She said they would like to have more kids but she is so afraid it would happen again and they have already spent enough time in the NICU! The little boy has had lots of eating issues but both kiddos are doing pretty well now considering the crazy months after they were born.

 I know Dr. Hilgers has helped so many women and I was just curious if any of you have had, or known of someone with similar situations. Do you know of any articles I could pass along that might help them? I am certainly no expert and I am not even sure of all the services Dr. Hilgers offers which is why I am asking for advice. Neither of them are Catholic, but I think if I were them, I would just want the best possible care and to know that I left no stone unturned. I just want to be prepared if the topics ever come up again! Thanks in advance, y'all!


And now for the less important question...

I am in the market for a new vacuum! We got a cordless Linx when we got married and I have  enjoyed how lightweight it is as well as not dragging a cord around the house. Now, though, I am totally DONE with this thing! About every third time I use it, it gets clogged and I end up on the floor with tiny screws spread all around me while I try to jam this twisted cord contraption down into the thing to try to pull out the clogged dog hair. Definitely NOT my favorite way to spend the day. We have a golden/lab mix that sheds like crazy (understatement!) and this vacuum is just not getting the carpet as clean as I would like. Vacuuming is my absolute favorite chore to do around the house and it is driving me nuts that this one is doing such a poor job. What I would like is a super powerful, hopefully not too heavy, corded, vacuum that works wonders on pet hair with a bucket (not a bag) to empty that will not totally break the bank (I'm hoping for under $200!), maybe even with an attachment for the furniture? Hey, a girl can dream right? So, if any of you know of such a magical vacuum, I hope you will let me know. I have been researching online but wanted some extra advice.


I know that's a lot to ask for one post but I will appreciate any and all feedback!!!

As for ttc, there's not much to update....I have 6 blood draws down and only 4 to go and then hopefully we can get some REAL answers about what is going on with me and how to fix it!!



Silly as it may sound, today I am thankful for my pup
who gives me motivation for morning walks and company
during the day (even if she does have a serious shedding
problem!;)
Also thankful for a summer that has been hot, but certainly
not unbearable! (Can't believe it's July and most days are
still under 100 degrees! Thank you Jesus!)