Father's Day

I wasn't expecting to need a post to talk about Father's Day.

Sure, Mother's Day I was all prepared to experience the pain, emptiness, and longing that any IFer dreads on the day that celebrates moms.  But Father's Day would be different (so I thought).

I woke and the first thing Dh says is that he got an email wishing him a happy father's day from a local prolife group complete with an image of a dad holding a little one.
"That was a low blow," he said.  The message meant no harm, of course, but for a couple who has been praying, dreaming, hoping for such a little blessing, it was difficult.

The feelings came up again in Mass when at the end the priest called for all fathers, grandfathers, soon-to-be fathers, and.....godfathers to stand up to receive a blessing. I felt so awful just like I did on Mother's Day and so in the moment I nudged Dh that he should stand since he is a godfather. I said that D (our godson) would want him to. When he sat back down, he said it just didn't feel right and  neither of us could hide our sadness after that.

In the car on the way home he started talking about his Grandpa who passed away a few years ago. His Gm and Gp raised him and his sister and brother so this was the only father he had known. We talked about what an amazing man he was and how much he taught him and then Dh called his Gm to let her know we were thinking about her. He then got excited and wanted to text his BIL who just found out he was going to be a dad a few weeks ago (see last post) and said how happy he was for him. Then he called his brother who has our sweet godson, and who will also have a baby girl in November.  There is a picture that I took of Dh's brother in the hospital holding D when he was born and the love you can see in his face is a look that I just cannot wait to see from my Dh. I just know he has the capacity to love our own children with everything he has.

He has such an amazing heart. Always willing to help anyone at a moment's notice and he just so wonderful with kids! Now, I love being a nanny and spending time with small ones, but if we go somewhere with new children, he is always the one that gets them to open up first. Next thing I know, he will be on the floor with a play stethoscope around his neck assessing the stuffed patient of a toddler. (Definitely a big kid himself and I love it!) He sometimes says that kids do not like him till they are two. I know this is the age when they are easier to play with but I know he will learn how to snuggle with a newborn when we have one.
I see him with his cousins.
I see it when he's talking to my 12 year old sister.
I see him with our nephew.
Heck, I even see him "snuggle" with our dog and I think about what a great dad he will be.
(We have a big 'ol furball who regularly sits on Dh's recliner with him. 45 pounds is NOT a lap-dog by the way! She is definitely his "baby" at the moment..ha.)

We have talked before about the people he works with and how having a baby for some is something just plain undesired. We were unfortunate enough to be at one of his co-workers' house for a football game shortly after they found out they were pg. We were even more unlucky that his wife decided it would be a grand time to show everyone the video of when she told her husband they were pregnant. (Seriously?!)
I believe his reaction was something to the tune of "holy s*#!  and he didn't mean it in a good way.
UGH.
My Dh then for months had to listen to this guy talk of how "his time" was over and how he wouldn't have any more fun after the baby was born.

I cannot wait till I can tell him the best news ever and see the look on his face! Our lives will never be the same, but it certainly will not be the "end of fun" as some people see it. Will it be challenging?
Of course!!! It will be a huge life change and I'm sure it will take plenty of time adjusting to a life with sleepless nights and mountains of diapers. But I also know that it will be the most incredible moment when we become a family of three and we are able to welcome a living blessing into our home.

I am normally the one more easily discouraged and disheartened by IF, but I have definitely seen little glimpses of how much my Dh wants this as well. I feel better when I think of something that makes the wait seem worth it such as, more time as a married couple, more time to get finances in order, more time for Dh to finish his master's program. I have told him before that maybe God wanted us to wait so he can get his degree and then have more free time to spend with a baby. We know that everything happens for a reason and that God's timing is more perfect than anything we could hope for ourselves....but some days it just feels like it is just that much more time until we get to meet the little person who already seems a part of our family. In our hearts they sure are. We already have the names and all we need are the faces! It is such a bizarre feeling loving someone you've never met and being not sure that you ever will. All we can do is hope and pray that someday we will.

I said before that I still feel quite positive lately and that I feel our time is coming sooner than later.
 I will begin my labs in a week or two and I know that we are headed in the right direction with an awesome doctor. We have also talked about adoption lately and I know that we are open to it, but pray that God will fling that door wide open if that is what He wants so there will be no doubt.

I have been more determined than ever lately to not sit and waste this time of waiting away. I do NOT want to be lazy! I am going to do all I can to make sure I can be the best wife, sister, daughter, Catholic I can be so that when God entrusts a little one to me, I can be the best mama possible! The prospect is scary and exciting all at the same time. Dh and I will surely be imperfect messes, but I pray that God will help us be good parents, and our wait with IF will ensure that we will not take any moments for granted.



I am thankful today for my awesome hubby
and pray we get to celebrate him as a dad soon.


"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. "
 -Albert Einstein