I knew it was coming.
I just knew that the closer it came to my nephew's 1st birthday that the possibility of an announcement was just around the corner. I told myself to be prepared. But then I heard from someone that they were just enjoying spending time with their first sweet son and so I let my guard down. We even saw them last weekend and it briefly crossed my mind. Then they went back home and I stopped thinking about it.
So, when we got the picture of our nephew with a big brother shirt on it hit me like a ton of bricks.
A few immediate reaction tears came....and then I got mad.
I was mad that I couldn't just be happy for them. I was mad that I felt so hurt and upset. I was mad because I know that without IF, they might have been able to tell us all in a room surrounded by family and everyone could rejoice together in this wonderful news. Because it IS wonderful news. When God chooses to bless a couple with a child it is a beautiful thing. But all I could think is how mad I was...am...and how badly I want to punch IF in its stupid ugly face and give it a black eye because this is what it does to you. This is how is makes you feel and I hate it so very much.
Then I went for a run with my dog. Dh told me to take it easy on her. I ran my fastest mile in years and then came back home to shower. I was then thinking about last year and about my SIL's baby shower. I was thinking about her big baby belly and how I took maternity pictures of her and my BIL. About all of this happening all over again and how I'm not sure I am strong enough to handle this. I was thinking about presents for the new baby....of family events of more baby talk.....then I thought of my SIL's sister and how she has three kids and one on the way and of how I might just need to prepare myself for an announcement like this again next year. Who knows? Because that's what loving Catholic couples open to life do right? They have babies.
And I LOST it.
Dh came to check on me and was sweet of course but I think he didn't quite know what to do with the sobbing mess he found. Probably my worst meltdown to date.
I just want to be happy and excited for them. I just want to think about a new sweet little niece or nephew to love.
I just want this horrible, awful hurt feeling to go away.
Today I am (trying to just be) thankful for the life God has given me. I am thankful
for the craft projects that will distract me today. I am thankful for this beautiful Saturday.
It stinks, but you have to let yourself feel it. Someone once told me feelings aren't right or wrong, it's what you do with them. I know when the time comes you'll love your new niece/nephew to pieces. It's ok to feel crappy right now. We've all been there! Keep hangin' in!
ReplyDeleteI think the hardest part of IF is the fruitfulness of inlaws who have children oh so easily. My husband has 12 siblings, and they all have babies like machine guns spit out bullets. So many times have I cried when there is a pregnancy announcement and again when the babies are born. To protect myself, I decided a few months ago that I will operate as if all of them are pregnant all the time so that I will never be surprised, angry, sad, or hurt. So far, it is working ok. I try to remember that it does not matter how many babies other people have, and I take solace in the fact that I can walk away and go home to my quite clean house when my in-laws children are screaming and there are mashed potatoes on the walls. :)
ReplyDeleteI am bracing myself for the day "the call" comes from my brother in his wife and I've already beat myself up for feeling negatively about a baby that isn't even created yet.
ReplyDeleteIt really is one of the worst parts of IF.
Sending much love and prayers your way.
Ladies, thank y'all so much for your prayers and words. It really is such a comfort to know I'm not the only one in times like this. I have been a bit better in these past few days and am hoping to get out of this funk soon..or at least manage it better. Also, that is too funny @prayedforpatience! I am totally picturing mashed potatoes running down my walls when I start feeling sad. :)
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