Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Surgery recap
Thank you for all the prayers, ladies!!
I know they definitely helped with the anxious feelings before going in as well as the healing now!
Honestly the whole experience wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. The nausea waking up wasn't fun but oddly enough, the part that freaked me out the most was them putting the IV in. I guess I thought after all the blood draws and shots it would be no big deal, but for some reason I found that the nurse putting that thing in my hand was pretty awful. I feel like a total wimp in light of everything so many of you have gone through. lol. I was prepared for the pain but it was like it seriously gave me the creeps too. The nurses were all so nice though and my doctor even came in and prayed with Dh and I beforehand! I couldn't take the St. Gerard relic with me into surgery (as it was metal) but we prayed with it and the St. Therese one before. I was so glad to have those two saints on my side!
When I had woken up enough to be coherent, Dh relayed what the doctor had told him. The surgery went very well and he was able to remove a fibroid from the right side of my uterus. We were relieved to hear that it was indeed the fibroid that had been blocking the opening to my right tube and that it was not blocked by itself. He also was able to remove stage 1 endometriosis from inside and outside the uterus. Dr. said he thought he would find more endo on the right side but there was actually more on the left. I think he said there was also some by my bladder. I will be curious to hear it from him directly and see the pictures when we go for my follow up.
My Dh has done an awesome job taking care of me, though he says I am a terrible patient and have tried to do too much, and I know both of us will be happy when I am 100% again. I am so glad to have this step over with. It feels amazing to know that Dr. K was able to remove the issues and he says he is really hopeful at this point about our chances! We go back for my follow-up on May 24 and we decided to go ahead and make Dh an appointment with the urologist in Austin that my doctor recommended. There just aren't that many options for urologists with infertility experience here and given the awful reviews of the one doctor from the referral...
This will be difficult enough and I just really do not want Dh to have to deal with any more awfulness then absolutely necessary. (Yes, I used the word awfulness..)
And as for my job...
I am adjusting to the change right now. I have thought about it and Dh and I agree that it is probably for the best. I didn't know beforehand that the doctors would tell me to "not lift over 15lbs for two weeks" after surgery. The little girl is 8 months old and though she is petite, I know she is over that amount and she definitely liked to be held while I was there. I have no way of knowing, but I have to believe that this will turn out to be a good thing after all. Perhaps working there any longer would have prolonged the healing or even made things worse. I know God is taking care of us and that "when the Lord closes a door, someway he opens a window..." (bonus points if you name that movie! ;)
My dad is doing okay, but my mom had a bit of a difficult mother's day. She was really missing her mom. Putting my energy into helping her to have a good day actually helped distract me from the sadness the day inevitably brings for an IF girl. Mass was still difficult. My heart was racing and I could feel my face getting red when the end of Mass was drawing near because I knew what would surely come. The priest actually gave a very nice blessing that did include moms who have children in Heaven as well as those trying to conceive. It didn't stop a few tears from leaking out, but it was nice to at least be mentioned in the blessing. It was an odd feeling to spend another mother's day this way. You never really think you will be in the same boat one year later. I felt the same during infertility awareness week. I even thought about IF awareness week in the months before it came and I was certain that I would have the courage to post something on Fb. I wanted to be at least a small voice that pointed someone toward NFP or PPIV for help, but I just couldn't. That was the week we got the results from the SA test and it just felt...too personal. Not that it isn't already. Dh and I were upset that nothing had changed for the better and I was in no emotional state to post something like that. Even if I didn't say anything about our personal struggle, I'm sure people could have figured it out. And it is not just me...we are a team and that would have sort of outed both of us and I didn't even want to ask Dh if he felt comfortable with it. He has made the choice to share with a few close friends but Fb is eeeeveryone.
Anyhow...
We are actually doing much better at the moment. We have a plan for both of us and I know we will find out much more come May 24!
A few happy moments from being out of town for surgery...
-Last Wednesday (day before) we went for my pre-op appt and then had awesome tex-mex at a place one of the nurses suggested. Nothing puts you in a good mood like fantastic salsa and a margarita :)
-We were able to stay in this "hotel" that houses patients that need to stay a few days that is connected to the hospital. It is only 20$/night so we were super thankful to not have to worry about that extra expense! It was a very simple room and the pillows were awful so Dh and I went to wal-mart to pick up a few things. We came back with pillows, peanut butter, jelly, bread, cheetos, paper towels, a fun cup with a straw for me, air freshener, and those microwave mac-n-cheese cup things. Sooo definitely glad we saved money on the hotel experience..lol. We joked that we were buying ingredients to go "camping."
-We went and saw Iron Man 3 on Wednesday night. Good movie. Good distraction too!
-Dh brought his laptop and movies for me to watch so after returning to the "hotel" afterwards, I was able to watch...well, watch between sleeping, some fun movies. Slept through most of Remember the Titans, but was able to watch all of Singing in the Rain (love that musical!) on Friday morning.
-Aaaand last but not least....over the course of almost a week, Dh has been super fantastic and has helped out so much around the house including with dishes, taking the dog to a vet appt, and even going grocery shopping. Last night he says, "I am starting to realize just how many things you do for us! Those small things really add up and I appreciate so much more what you do everyday."
Enough said :)
Well, he's almost home so I'm going to go eat dinner and enjoy listening to the lovely thunderstorm.
SO thankful for all of you and your prayers.
It means so very much.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Wrong day quick takes
I know it's not Friday but I really just need to throw everything out there so I'm doing my own Wednesday everything goes takes....so here goes!!
1. Three words...
Worst
Haircut
Ever
I hadn't had a haircut since last Fall so it had gotten much longer than I've had it in about two years. My hair is thin so though I would love to keep it long, it really looks better short. I was ready to take off a bit so I stopped in after work last week and started chatting with the lady...talked about how she had thin hair too...thought she understood what I wanted and then BAM!! She chops the heck out of my hair!!
I have now become "ponytail girl" and I am determined to wear it that way until it grows. It's too depressing looking at it down. Oh well, all I can do is laugh about it now!
2. The bad news I spoke of last week had to do with the results of our third semen analysis test...yes, THIRD. First I will back up and say we tried to get it done the week earlier but had a...complication.
(Okay, TMI coming but hey, do we really hold anything back on these blogs??)
Planned for a day Dh had off work.
Made the appt. Ordered the kit. Abstained the necessary number of days. Went about our "preferred collection method" (Catholic style of course) and the damn.thing.broke. Uggghhh. I almost started to cry right then, but tried to keep it together and then Dh says...hey! The condom broke..you know what that means?...
We might get pregnant!!
And then we died laughing.
HA!! Now wouldn't that have been something?!
So thankful for his sense of humor :)
The next week was a success, but the results were not much different from the first two. We were really thinking that since Dh has been taking all those supplements for the past few months that we would see a change for the better. We are currently researching urologists in our area. We had such a bad experience with the first one (really matter-of-fact guy who basically told us it was all genetic and there was nothing we could do) I really want to be careful about who we choose. I just wanted it to get better on his side so all we would have to worry about is me. Why does it seem way worse when your Dh has to deal with IF personally too?! The thought of him needing surgery or something literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Speaking of surgery...
3. My surgery is Thursday. It was going to be last week but AF decided to drag her feet and since the dr. wanted it done between days 6-10 it needed to be pushed back until this week. I am glad it is finally here and that we are that much closer to getting some answers. More importantly, I really hope that they can open my right tube and also fix the "uterine abnormality" during this surgery! I am really pretty good emotionally right now, but I think when I get to the hospital and it sinks in, my nerves might jump up. It's almost here which means it is almost over! It will ALL be so worth it someday! Just a bit leery of the unknown at the moment..
4. I lost my job yesterday. I have been nannying for a family with a 5 yr old boy and 8mo girl since the end of January. They are a nice, laid back family and they were pretty accommodating when I had to take off to go to Austin to the clinic and leave 10 min early a few days for my u/s series. I talked with them weeks ago about my surgery and they seemed fine. When it was moved from last week to this week they were still fine. I had been working M-Th but they have been quite busy so a few weeks ago they asked if I could come Fridays too...if I couldn't they would have to put them in daycare M-F.
I said yes of course since I didn't want to be out of a job! So, two weeks ago I offered to ask my mom if she'd be able to help watch the kids while I'm out. They said they would think about it and we talked about having my mom come Monday so that she could meet the kids and see their schedule before they would need her on Wednesday. Monday morning came and I hadn't heard from them for certain so I texted the mom to see if that was still the plan. She texted back saying..."no, actually we will be putting them in daycare starting Wednesday. We love you but we really need coverage and J (the dad) puts so much pressure on me to get coverage and I am so weird about who watches them. I only trust you and (the church daycare). Sorry it's over text but I may not be here when you get here this morning."
What. The. Heck.
That was yesterday morning and today was my last day. I thought I would have this job through the end of the summer until the 5yr old went to kindergarten. And now...nothing. I feel like I was completely blind sighted! I mean, really?! If you could have found someone for three days I would have been yours the whole rest of the summer! I didn't think she was that weird about who watched her kids bc she met me and hired me on the spot and wanted me to start the very next day! I know I can't judge how anyone feels...I'm sure it will be a huge deal when I have to decide who to leave my babies with...but still....I just didn't see this coming.
We have been so busy lately but when I said I hoped things slowed down soon this is definitely NOT what I meant.
The kids were sweet, the schedule great, the pay good. Sigh..
I got some extra hugs from the baby girl one more time and the 5yr cried when I left today ... :(
Well, God will provide. He always does. I am putting my trust in Him that better things are just around the corner. I sure hope so!
5. My dad called to tell me this morning that his uncle lost his battle with cancer early this morning. Three years to the day after my grandpa (my dad's dad) passed away. I knew him as an uncle too but I haven't seen him in a few years. My heart hurts for my dad though...he grew up with him and just saw him last week. If you could please pray for my dad and the extended family I would be so grateful. I won't even be able to attend the funeral since it is the day after surgery and we won't even be home yet.
6. My heart feels heavy this week with all that is going on, but please know I am offering it all up for those of you still waiting or suffering and all your intentions.
When my mom is hurting she always says, "there must be lots of people who need extra prayers" I am trying to be like her and offer this all up.
7. God is in control.
8. Repeat #7 and burn it into my brain.
9. I am sorry for the negative post...I will post something happy soon, I promise!
In the midst of everything there is still so much to be thankful for!
10. Like my dear SIL bringing a sweet card, peanut butter fudge shake from sonic, and amazing St Gerard and St Therese relics to keep with me during surgery!! It really couldn't have come at a better time.
Thankful for sweet family.
Thankful for the opportunity to have this surgery and get that much closer to figuring out this crazy IF mystery.
1. Three words...
Worst
Haircut
Ever
I hadn't had a haircut since last Fall so it had gotten much longer than I've had it in about two years. My hair is thin so though I would love to keep it long, it really looks better short. I was ready to take off a bit so I stopped in after work last week and started chatting with the lady...talked about how she had thin hair too...thought she understood what I wanted and then BAM!! She chops the heck out of my hair!!
I have now become "ponytail girl" and I am determined to wear it that way until it grows. It's too depressing looking at it down. Oh well, all I can do is laugh about it now!
2. The bad news I spoke of last week had to do with the results of our third semen analysis test...yes, THIRD. First I will back up and say we tried to get it done the week earlier but had a...complication.
(Okay, TMI coming but hey, do we really hold anything back on these blogs??)
Planned for a day Dh had off work.
Made the appt. Ordered the kit. Abstained the necessary number of days. Went about our "preferred collection method" (Catholic style of course) and the damn.thing.broke. Uggghhh. I almost started to cry right then, but tried to keep it together and then Dh says...hey! The condom broke..you know what that means?...
We might get pregnant!!
And then we died laughing.
HA!! Now wouldn't that have been something?!
So thankful for his sense of humor :)
The next week was a success, but the results were not much different from the first two. We were really thinking that since Dh has been taking all those supplements for the past few months that we would see a change for the better. We are currently researching urologists in our area. We had such a bad experience with the first one (really matter-of-fact guy who basically told us it was all genetic and there was nothing we could do) I really want to be careful about who we choose. I just wanted it to get better on his side so all we would have to worry about is me. Why does it seem way worse when your Dh has to deal with IF personally too?! The thought of him needing surgery or something literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Speaking of surgery...
3. My surgery is Thursday. It was going to be last week but AF decided to drag her feet and since the dr. wanted it done between days 6-10 it needed to be pushed back until this week. I am glad it is finally here and that we are that much closer to getting some answers. More importantly, I really hope that they can open my right tube and also fix the "uterine abnormality" during this surgery! I am really pretty good emotionally right now, but I think when I get to the hospital and it sinks in, my nerves might jump up. It's almost here which means it is almost over! It will ALL be so worth it someday! Just a bit leery of the unknown at the moment..
4. I lost my job yesterday. I have been nannying for a family with a 5 yr old boy and 8mo girl since the end of January. They are a nice, laid back family and they were pretty accommodating when I had to take off to go to Austin to the clinic and leave 10 min early a few days for my u/s series. I talked with them weeks ago about my surgery and they seemed fine. When it was moved from last week to this week they were still fine. I had been working M-Th but they have been quite busy so a few weeks ago they asked if I could come Fridays too...if I couldn't they would have to put them in daycare M-F.
I said yes of course since I didn't want to be out of a job! So, two weeks ago I offered to ask my mom if she'd be able to help watch the kids while I'm out. They said they would think about it and we talked about having my mom come Monday so that she could meet the kids and see their schedule before they would need her on Wednesday. Monday morning came and I hadn't heard from them for certain so I texted the mom to see if that was still the plan. She texted back saying..."no, actually we will be putting them in daycare starting Wednesday. We love you but we really need coverage and J (the dad) puts so much pressure on me to get coverage and I am so weird about who watches them. I only trust you and (the church daycare). Sorry it's over text but I may not be here when you get here this morning."
What. The. Heck.
That was yesterday morning and today was my last day. I thought I would have this job through the end of the summer until the 5yr old went to kindergarten. And now...nothing. I feel like I was completely blind sighted! I mean, really?! If you could have found someone for three days I would have been yours the whole rest of the summer! I didn't think she was that weird about who watched her kids bc she met me and hired me on the spot and wanted me to start the very next day! I know I can't judge how anyone feels...I'm sure it will be a huge deal when I have to decide who to leave my babies with...but still....I just didn't see this coming.
We have been so busy lately but when I said I hoped things slowed down soon this is definitely NOT what I meant.
The kids were sweet, the schedule great, the pay good. Sigh..
I got some extra hugs from the baby girl one more time and the 5yr cried when I left today ... :(
Well, God will provide. He always does. I am putting my trust in Him that better things are just around the corner. I sure hope so!
5. My dad called to tell me this morning that his uncle lost his battle with cancer early this morning. Three years to the day after my grandpa (my dad's dad) passed away. I knew him as an uncle too but I haven't seen him in a few years. My heart hurts for my dad though...he grew up with him and just saw him last week. If you could please pray for my dad and the extended family I would be so grateful. I won't even be able to attend the funeral since it is the day after surgery and we won't even be home yet.
6. My heart feels heavy this week with all that is going on, but please know I am offering it all up for those of you still waiting or suffering and all your intentions.
When my mom is hurting she always says, "there must be lots of people who need extra prayers" I am trying to be like her and offer this all up.
7. God is in control.
8. Repeat #7 and burn it into my brain.
9. I am sorry for the negative post...I will post something happy soon, I promise!
In the midst of everything there is still so much to be thankful for!
10. Like my dear SIL bringing a sweet card, peanut butter fudge shake from sonic, and amazing St Gerard and St Therese relics to keep with me during surgery!! It really couldn't have come at a better time.
Thankful for sweet family.
Thankful for the opportunity to have this surgery and get that much closer to figuring out this crazy IF mystery.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Too many tabs
I've been finding it rather difficult to blog lately...
Mostly because of this picture. This is me anyway but the last few weeks it has been out of control.
I found this pic and showed Dh and he just laughed because we've had more than one conversation that went about like this:
Dh: You've been so quiet today, is anything going on?
Me: Well...
Dh: ........
Me: Ok. Well, in Mass I saw A, which made me think of B who needs our prayers right now, but so do C, D, and E, and this week I have to F and G on the same day, and I saw on FB that H, I, J, and K are all having babies and then I remembered that I was hungry and tired and that I forgot to L and M last week...
And that made me think of that article I read about N....which made me tear up and now saying all this is making me feel like a crazy person which is making me cry!!
ugh. Being a girl can be SO exhausting sometimes!
Oh! And in case you were wondering...this is an excellent way to recover after receiving bad news...
Hang it all! Lets order pizza! Ice cream too! Huzzaahh!!
It doesn't take away from it, but at least you won't go to bed hungry. Health food is soooo not comfort food.
Sigh.
Sorry to be so cryptic, but I just can't seem to form a cohesive post at the moment so this will have to suffice. I will try to write a better post soon...maybe I can close 1,754 tabs in my brain just long enough to get the words out.
Thankful that I saw the St. Gianna novena that this lady posted.
Yes, I started late and yes I'm awful at novenas but I think a
little focused 9 day prayer is a good thing right now!
Also, St. Gianna rocks :)
Friday, April 5, 2013
It doesn't feel real..
We have had a tough few days around here...
My mom called Tuesday evening to say my grandma had passed away.
It was extremely unexpected and we spent the next few days in shock and disbelief.
She wasn't sick or anything so it has been hard to wrap our minds around the fact that we won't be seeing her again. We were just talking and joking with her a few short months ago at Christmas!
Tonight was the rosary and afterward we spent time at my aunt's house. It was so strange feeling glad to see family one moment and them remembering why we were there the next.
I am thankful for such wonderful family members who have dropped everything to be here! Their support has been such a blessing!
I still don't think it has sunk in yet. I know tomorrow will be a very difficult day so if you could spare a few prayers for everyone it would be much appreciated.
Hug your loved ones and call those who live far away...
Thankful for many years with a sweet lady and that my grandma will be reunited with my grandpa after 21 years apart...
We sure miss you though.
My mom called Tuesday evening to say my grandma had passed away.
It was extremely unexpected and we spent the next few days in shock and disbelief.
She wasn't sick or anything so it has been hard to wrap our minds around the fact that we won't be seeing her again. We were just talking and joking with her a few short months ago at Christmas!
Tonight was the rosary and afterward we spent time at my aunt's house. It was so strange feeling glad to see family one moment and them remembering why we were there the next.
I am thankful for such wonderful family members who have dropped everything to be here! Their support has been such a blessing!
I still don't think it has sunk in yet. I know tomorrow will be a very difficult day so if you could spare a few prayers for everyone it would be much appreciated.
Hug your loved ones and call those who live far away...
Thankful for many years with a sweet lady and that my grandma will be reunited with my grandpa after 21 years apart...
We sure miss you though.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Friday Quick Takes
Another week down and I am again, SO happy for the weekend!
1. Drove back to Austin on Tuesday for my first u/s in the series. My mom is always asking if she can come with me to appointments and things. She is sweet to offer, but I always say no, (mostly because I'd rather my Dh go, or no one) but I thought well, maybe company would be nice for 6 hours in the car this time and of course she'd just wait in the waiting room anyway. It was nice to eat lunch with her after my appt too before the trip back. Anyway, the u/s went pretty well. He said my uterus looked normal and about the right size. It took the dr. a bit to find my left ovary. I was thinking, I am almost positive they found two at my first u/s two years ago! When found it, he mentioned that it was smaller than the right one. He did say that most of the time they are the same size..hmm. Also, he pointed out a bit of what he called "free fluid" right under my uterus. He didn't seem alarmed, but called it "interesting" and said he would like to explore that more when I have surgery. So, the plan now is for me to finish out my u/s series where I live, to visit Austin one more time after the series is over, and then go for surgery for my next cycle. This will be sometime between days 6-10 in early April.
3. HSG was this morning. It was NOT fun by any means but I was able to take Aleve before and didn't have any crazy cramps afterwards. The worst of it didn't last very long thankfully. And the news? Left tube open.
Right tube closed. When they told me one was closed I automatically thought they would say the left was closed since that was the ovary that was smaller. At my u/s on Tuesday, Dr. K pointed out at least 10 follicles in the right ovary but didn't say he saw any in the left (there could have been I suppose, he just didn't say that). So how does that affect things with a small left ovary and a closed right tube?? Perhaps they'll be able to tell more what we're dealing with when they go in and look during surgery...not sure how to feel about all this. Just glad we are getting more pieces to this puzzle! And still hopeful that the more we know, the more we can fix!
2. I haven't mentioned it here yet, but after my little twins didn't need me to nanny much anymore, I started looking for a new job and finally found one! I had been applying for jobs on Care.com (where I found the job with the twins) and for weeks wasn't getting any responses. I was getting slightly desperate to just find anything when a lady contacted me to work for her family. She has two kids and needed someone M-Th. I originally was looking for something just a few days a week so I could keep up with housework, cooking, etc...(since I totally stink at managing my time and Dh has always said he'd rather me keep the house running than bring in money). However this job is 9:30-3:30 and for the month I have been there I have been able to do laundry/dishes/ironing in the mornings before I go and then get home before Dh does to finish and start dinner. I have even been to work on time or EARLY every day but two (one because I got stuck behind a train that decided to just stop on the tracks..ugh) and anyone who knows me knows this is a big deal!
They have a 5 year old boy and a 6 month old girl...the kids are sweet, parents laid back and the pay is better than I have ever gotten for a nanny job so I can't complain at all! My only concern lately is having to ask off work for appointments and things, but they actually had to try for a while after their first and the mom has PCOS so she is pretty understanding. Definitely thanking God for this opportunity to bring in a little extra especially with all the medical expenses we have lately and coming up.
3. Ordered all our new vitamins for Dh and I and I am excited to start getting into good habits of taking them together! Hopefully this motivation will last and we will stay pretty consistent. Time will tell I suppose.
4. I have been running more lately! Dh absolutely loves running and has done three or four (lost count) marathons, one 70.3 Iron Man triathlon, and just two weeks ago ran an ultra marathon (31 miles!)
Going with him to these races has definitely inspired me to get more consistent with my exercise, and the atmosphere of a race day has made me want to do them as well! Two years ago I ran my first 5k and last year, the 10k. Let me remind that I have NEVER liked running. I played tennis in high school and would only run to get better at tennis. It just never appealed to me to run for the sake of it. I would still love to play tennis, but since I don't get a chance to very often, I decided that I needed to make myself like running for several reasons. 1. It's free 2. I don't have to drive anywhere (probably wouldn't drive all the way to a gym) 3. It gives Dh and I one more thing in common 4. It's good to be active!
So, somehow with the help of a good playlist and some pretty nice weather, I have been able to run at least 3 or so times a week for about a month and a half! I ran 36 miles in February and I hope to beat that in March! Going from running maybe 5 miles in a month (if that) I am pretty happy with this progress. I still wouldn't say that I like it, but I do like how I feel when I finish. Hopefully the weather will stay nice because my motivation goes WAY DOWN if not. I am hoping by putting this in writing I will stay consistent for as long as possible. Though the times I have gone out to actually run in the summer I can count on one hand so I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.
5. I have been reading Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things, for about three years. I found her blog just after she had her second child and discovered at birth that little Nella had Down Syndrome. She described her raw emotions after her birth and how she learned to find beauty in the unexpected. Her birth story spread quickly and her blog gained many followers. I have been drawn to her beautiful pictures and heartfelt words as she chronicles her life and advocates for individuals with D.S.
Occasionally she will have a guest post from another blog and I was struck by the words of the lady who posted the other day. Her lifestyle is quite different from my own but I can relate to how she describes the longing for children. Especially when she says...
"There is room in my life for children. It’s the space below my rib cage, and it’s hollow, and it’s excruciating. I can’t talk myself out of it. This is a longing way, way beneath tissue, in a realm beyond sense and economic calculations. This blueprint of love is hard wired into me"
I can relate. I have felt "hard wired for love" since I was very young. I have always wanted to be a mama and share that love with little ones. I'm not looking for a guy to share with, but I can relate to the feeling of wanting to play it cool when talking to family or especially friends. By trying to seem nonchalant when people ask when you are having kids. To hold your tongue and nod when others say they don't want kids. Not wanting to scare them by divulging your dearest desire of just how badly you want this. Not wanting to show how bad it hurts...or even how it hurts to pretend it's no big deal. Just shows you that no matter what your life looks like...whether you are a daredevil adventure seeker or a homebody, the longing to be a mother would make you drop it all in a second, if you get the chance. Sure we have a lot "more free-time" and are "not tied down" at the moment, but Dh and I have both talked about how wonderful it will be to just spend time at home making memories with our little ones. And I'm sure I'll bring them to their daddy's races and we will have adventures of our own as well. :) It's worth a read if you get the chance.
6. Kickball starts next week. Yep, that's right...Dh and I are in a kickball league with some people from his work and this will be our third season to play with them! It's a nice Thursday distraction and time to just do something silly with friends. Before last year, I had not played since I was in third grade :) We play a game or two and then go to a local pub that sponsors the league...they have pizza, karaoke, and crazy door prizes that always look like they were picked up at a garage sale or Goodwill, so what's not to love?! Here's to doing something just out of the ordinary and fun now and then...we all need it!
7. Thankful God is shedding more and more light into
our darkness and that I have friends and family who
are praying for us...and a really sweet Dh who helps
me stay positive.
Thankful you survived this all-over-the-
place quick takes!
8. Happy weekend y'all! Hope it is lovely!
1. Drove back to Austin on Tuesday for my first u/s in the series. My mom is always asking if she can come with me to appointments and things. She is sweet to offer, but I always say no, (mostly because I'd rather my Dh go, or no one) but I thought well, maybe company would be nice for 6 hours in the car this time and of course she'd just wait in the waiting room anyway. It was nice to eat lunch with her after my appt too before the trip back. Anyway, the u/s went pretty well. He said my uterus looked normal and about the right size. It took the dr. a bit to find my left ovary. I was thinking, I am almost positive they found two at my first u/s two years ago! When found it, he mentioned that it was smaller than the right one. He did say that most of the time they are the same size..hmm. Also, he pointed out a bit of what he called "free fluid" right under my uterus. He didn't seem alarmed, but called it "interesting" and said he would like to explore that more when I have surgery. So, the plan now is for me to finish out my u/s series where I live, to visit Austin one more time after the series is over, and then go for surgery for my next cycle. This will be sometime between days 6-10 in early April.
3. HSG was this morning. It was NOT fun by any means but I was able to take Aleve before and didn't have any crazy cramps afterwards. The worst of it didn't last very long thankfully. And the news? Left tube open.
Right tube closed. When they told me one was closed I automatically thought they would say the left was closed since that was the ovary that was smaller. At my u/s on Tuesday, Dr. K pointed out at least 10 follicles in the right ovary but didn't say he saw any in the left (there could have been I suppose, he just didn't say that). So how does that affect things with a small left ovary and a closed right tube?? Perhaps they'll be able to tell more what we're dealing with when they go in and look during surgery...not sure how to feel about all this. Just glad we are getting more pieces to this puzzle! And still hopeful that the more we know, the more we can fix!
2. I haven't mentioned it here yet, but after my little twins didn't need me to nanny much anymore, I started looking for a new job and finally found one! I had been applying for jobs on Care.com (where I found the job with the twins) and for weeks wasn't getting any responses. I was getting slightly desperate to just find anything when a lady contacted me to work for her family. She has two kids and needed someone M-Th. I originally was looking for something just a few days a week so I could keep up with housework, cooking, etc...(since I totally stink at managing my time and Dh has always said he'd rather me keep the house running than bring in money). However this job is 9:30-3:30 and for the month I have been there I have been able to do laundry/dishes/ironing in the mornings before I go and then get home before Dh does to finish and start dinner. I have even been to work on time or EARLY every day but two (one because I got stuck behind a train that decided to just stop on the tracks..ugh) and anyone who knows me knows this is a big deal!
They have a 5 year old boy and a 6 month old girl...the kids are sweet, parents laid back and the pay is better than I have ever gotten for a nanny job so I can't complain at all! My only concern lately is having to ask off work for appointments and things, but they actually had to try for a while after their first and the mom has PCOS so she is pretty understanding. Definitely thanking God for this opportunity to bring in a little extra especially with all the medical expenses we have lately and coming up.
3. Ordered all our new vitamins for Dh and I and I am excited to start getting into good habits of taking them together! Hopefully this motivation will last and we will stay pretty consistent. Time will tell I suppose.
4. I have been running more lately! Dh absolutely loves running and has done three or four (lost count) marathons, one 70.3 Iron Man triathlon, and just two weeks ago ran an ultra marathon (31 miles!)
Going with him to these races has definitely inspired me to get more consistent with my exercise, and the atmosphere of a race day has made me want to do them as well! Two years ago I ran my first 5k and last year, the 10k. Let me remind that I have NEVER liked running. I played tennis in high school and would only run to get better at tennis. It just never appealed to me to run for the sake of it. I would still love to play tennis, but since I don't get a chance to very often, I decided that I needed to make myself like running for several reasons. 1. It's free 2. I don't have to drive anywhere (probably wouldn't drive all the way to a gym) 3. It gives Dh and I one more thing in common 4. It's good to be active!
So, somehow with the help of a good playlist and some pretty nice weather, I have been able to run at least 3 or so times a week for about a month and a half! I ran 36 miles in February and I hope to beat that in March! Going from running maybe 5 miles in a month (if that) I am pretty happy with this progress. I still wouldn't say that I like it, but I do like how I feel when I finish. Hopefully the weather will stay nice because my motivation goes WAY DOWN if not. I am hoping by putting this in writing I will stay consistent for as long as possible. Though the times I have gone out to actually run in the summer I can count on one hand so I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.
5. I have been reading Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things, for about three years. I found her blog just after she had her second child and discovered at birth that little Nella had Down Syndrome. She described her raw emotions after her birth and how she learned to find beauty in the unexpected. Her birth story spread quickly and her blog gained many followers. I have been drawn to her beautiful pictures and heartfelt words as she chronicles her life and advocates for individuals with D.S.
Occasionally she will have a guest post from another blog and I was struck by the words of the lady who posted the other day. Her lifestyle is quite different from my own but I can relate to how she describes the longing for children. Especially when she says...
"There is room in my life for children. It’s the space below my rib cage, and it’s hollow, and it’s excruciating. I can’t talk myself out of it. This is a longing way, way beneath tissue, in a realm beyond sense and economic calculations. This blueprint of love is hard wired into me"
I can relate. I have felt "hard wired for love" since I was very young. I have always wanted to be a mama and share that love with little ones. I'm not looking for a guy to share with, but I can relate to the feeling of wanting to play it cool when talking to family or especially friends. By trying to seem nonchalant when people ask when you are having kids. To hold your tongue and nod when others say they don't want kids. Not wanting to scare them by divulging your dearest desire of just how badly you want this. Not wanting to show how bad it hurts...or even how it hurts to pretend it's no big deal. Just shows you that no matter what your life looks like...whether you are a daredevil adventure seeker or a homebody, the longing to be a mother would make you drop it all in a second, if you get the chance. Sure we have a lot "more free-time" and are "not tied down" at the moment, but Dh and I have both talked about how wonderful it will be to just spend time at home making memories with our little ones. And I'm sure I'll bring them to their daddy's races and we will have adventures of our own as well. :) It's worth a read if you get the chance.
6. Kickball starts next week. Yep, that's right...Dh and I are in a kickball league with some people from his work and this will be our third season to play with them! It's a nice Thursday distraction and time to just do something silly with friends. Before last year, I had not played since I was in third grade :) We play a game or two and then go to a local pub that sponsors the league...they have pizza, karaoke, and crazy door prizes that always look like they were picked up at a garage sale or Goodwill, so what's not to love?! Here's to doing something just out of the ordinary and fun now and then...we all need it!
7. Thankful God is shedding more and more light into
our darkness and that I have friends and family who
are praying for us...and a really sweet Dh who helps
me stay positive.
Thankful you survived this all-over-the-
place quick takes!
8. Happy weekend y'all! Hope it is lovely!
Friday, March 1, 2013
A little more light
Happy March, y'all! And thank you all for your prayers!
It has been a busy week, and I was quite glad when the weekend finally arrived! I guess when the first day of the week involves a road trip, the rest of the week can seem rather long.
On Monday, Dh and I were able to sleep in a bit and started our trip about 11am. My appointment was at 3pm so we figured with a three hour drive and traffic we should be right on track.
The Vitae Clinic is in a larger building that was being remodeled so walking in onto unfinished floors and ducking sheets of plastic seemed to be a bad sign. Thankfully, we found the sign on the door and walked in about 2:45pm.
Dh and I were both a bit nervous and didn't know what to expect so we joked while we waited to be called back. I "fixed up" my charts a few days before so they would be ready to show Dr. K when we got there.
I am definitely not the world's best charter by a long shot so by "fixed up" I mean ordered new charts and filled in the past few months based on the observations I had been keeping track of on my phone. (I know, awful!) One thing I am particularly terrible with, is charting "I's." We looked at my charts while waiting, and laughed that they would probably take one look at my charts and say, ummm, I think we know why you aren't getting pregnant. More "I"'s on the chart will most likely help your chances..lol. (Sure enough, Dr. K was quick to point that out..) I know I'm not great at marking them down, but it would have felt dishonest, though more accurate, if I had just thrown a bunch of them in random spots. Anyhow, moving on....
I will save you all the little details but will skip to the highlights:
Dr. K and his staff were all pleasant and seemed to be quite thorough which was nice because I really dislike getting the feeling from a doctor that he has better things to do! (Heck, he was so thorough we didn't leave the office until after 5!)
--Despite the fact that I am a yellow stamp user (I have never used green stamps), Dr. K recommended vitamin B-6 saying that more mucus really can't hurt.
--He recommended a good pre-natal vitamin. (I bought some and took them consistently when we first got married, but faded out after we found out it wouldn't be so easy...to be honest, I felt silly taking them)
--Dr. K wants us to find a new urologist in our area that we like for Dh to see and also to repeat a semen analysis test. This one will be our third. Faaan-tastic. (Just to recap, the first two showed decent count and motility, but poor morph. though we did have issues with getting it to the lab on time. We had to drive almost an hour for the second one and wondered if that could have caused such results.)
--He wants me to come in for an ultrasound series to see how I ovulate and with the timing of my cycle, it worked out that the first one will be this coming Tuesday! Fortunately, I will be able to have the follow-up ultrasounds in FtW so that is certainly a plus. The less driving, the better!
--Lastly, he ordered a HSG (putting dye through your tubes to make sure they are open) for me and since it has to be done between days 6-10, that too will be next week!
So, I definitely have a busy week ahead of me with driving to Austin for an u/s on Tuesday and then an HSG on Friday. Not worried about the u/s. Apprehensive about the HSG. I have never had any sort of surgery or procedure at a hospital so this will be all new for me!
I am definitely thankful that we have direction now and have new paths to explore in solving this IF puzzle. A little more light, you could say in what seems like a very long, and dark journey at times.
And though it seems like things will get quite busy, I am thankful things are happening fast. The faster we check these things off, the faster we'll get answers, right?! That's my theory anyway.
Almost forgot...surgery is definitely still a strong possibility. I'm not sure the results of anything we're doing until then would make having surgery unnecessary. (Unless of course we are blessed with a little one before then! ;)
Interestingly enough, as we keep moving in this direction to conceive, adoption has been on my heart more than ever. So, who knows what twists and turns God has planned for us! We are definitely open to any and all possibilities to grow our family.
My main thankfuls are 3 paragraphs up...
But a bonus one would be thankful for 70 degree weather today...it's certainly feeling more like Spring!
It has been a busy week, and I was quite glad when the weekend finally arrived! I guess when the first day of the week involves a road trip, the rest of the week can seem rather long.
On Monday, Dh and I were able to sleep in a bit and started our trip about 11am. My appointment was at 3pm so we figured with a three hour drive and traffic we should be right on track.
The Vitae Clinic is in a larger building that was being remodeled so walking in onto unfinished floors and ducking sheets of plastic seemed to be a bad sign. Thankfully, we found the sign on the door and walked in about 2:45pm.
Dh and I were both a bit nervous and didn't know what to expect so we joked while we waited to be called back. I "fixed up" my charts a few days before so they would be ready to show Dr. K when we got there.
I am definitely not the world's best charter by a long shot so by "fixed up" I mean ordered new charts and filled in the past few months based on the observations I had been keeping track of on my phone. (I know, awful!) One thing I am particularly terrible with, is charting "I's." We looked at my charts while waiting, and laughed that they would probably take one look at my charts and say, ummm, I think we know why you aren't getting pregnant. More "I"'s on the chart will most likely help your chances..lol. (Sure enough, Dr. K was quick to point that out..) I know I'm not great at marking them down, but it would have felt dishonest, though more accurate, if I had just thrown a bunch of them in random spots. Anyhow, moving on....
I will save you all the little details but will skip to the highlights:
Dr. K and his staff were all pleasant and seemed to be quite thorough which was nice because I really dislike getting the feeling from a doctor that he has better things to do! (Heck, he was so thorough we didn't leave the office until after 5!)
--Despite the fact that I am a yellow stamp user (I have never used green stamps), Dr. K recommended vitamin B-6 saying that more mucus really can't hurt.
--He recommended a good pre-natal vitamin. (I bought some and took them consistently when we first got married, but faded out after we found out it wouldn't be so easy...to be honest, I felt silly taking them)
--Dr. K wants us to find a new urologist in our area that we like for Dh to see and also to repeat a semen analysis test. This one will be our third. Faaan-tastic. (Just to recap, the first two showed decent count and motility, but poor morph. though we did have issues with getting it to the lab on time. We had to drive almost an hour for the second one and wondered if that could have caused such results.)
--He wants me to come in for an ultrasound series to see how I ovulate and with the timing of my cycle, it worked out that the first one will be this coming Tuesday! Fortunately, I will be able to have the follow-up ultrasounds in FtW so that is certainly a plus. The less driving, the better!
--Lastly, he ordered a HSG (putting dye through your tubes to make sure they are open) for me and since it has to be done between days 6-10, that too will be next week!
So, I definitely have a busy week ahead of me with driving to Austin for an u/s on Tuesday and then an HSG on Friday. Not worried about the u/s. Apprehensive about the HSG. I have never had any sort of surgery or procedure at a hospital so this will be all new for me!
I am definitely thankful that we have direction now and have new paths to explore in solving this IF puzzle. A little more light, you could say in what seems like a very long, and dark journey at times.
And though it seems like things will get quite busy, I am thankful things are happening fast. The faster we check these things off, the faster we'll get answers, right?! That's my theory anyway.
Almost forgot...surgery is definitely still a strong possibility. I'm not sure the results of anything we're doing until then would make having surgery unnecessary. (Unless of course we are blessed with a little one before then! ;)
Interestingly enough, as we keep moving in this direction to conceive, adoption has been on my heart more than ever. So, who knows what twists and turns God has planned for us! We are definitely open to any and all possibilities to grow our family.
My main thankfuls are 3 paragraphs up...
But a bonus one would be thankful for 70 degree weather today...it's certainly feeling more like Spring!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday
We made the appointment mid-January so of course it seemed like such a long wait...
but it is almost here.
This coming Monday, Dh and I will drive down to Austin for my first consultation appointment with Dr. K at the Vitae Clinic. Great name for a clinic, right?
After 5 months without results, September-January, of clomid 5-9 and HCG injections P+3, 5, 7, and 9 our local NaPro Dr. referred us to the clinic in Austin. Our Dr. P said that couples will go through this regimen about 3-6 months before trying something new (surgery in most cases). We were going to finish out the whole 6 months, but then Dh had to go to Korea for 10 days and "trying" this month just wasn't possible. He was extremely missed, but I can't say I was sad to miss a month of pills and shots.
There were a few events over his absence where it would have just been so nice to be together face to face, whether it was something not-so-great (like an in-person pg announcement at a girls lunch, or being sick all one night and day) or a very extremely wonderful thing (like our sweet, beautiful niece being born and wanting to share the joy with him). Needless to say, it was wonderful to welcome him home last Friday. Though he did get major brownie points for sending me flowers from Korea, which just happened to arrive on the day I was sick..perfect timing! Also, I am super thankful for technology! We were able to FaceTime quite a bit while he was there and talk via Skype and it would have been much more difficult and long without those things!
So with his big trip behind us, we are headed for the next big thing in Feb. for us...going to the appt. on Monday. I know Dr. K will review my case and from what I understand, it seems like I am headed for surgery.
I am so ready to have this surgery and see what he finds, but most importantly, I am ready for it to be fixed!
Though I was really hoping to avoid surgery, if that is what it is going to take I am ready for this next step. I used to think that low progesterone was my only issue, but who knows?
Not sure if I have mentioned it here before but we did decide to order a few things that some of you had suggested to help Dh. I believe October was the first month that Dh started taking Mucuna Pruiens, and also Proxeed. Our Dr. here had said that they "try to maximize the woman's health" and pretty much don't do anything for the husband so we thought it couldn't hurt to try a few supplements y'all suggested. He did really great taking them both twice a day for about three weeks but then it became more difficult to keep up with. I am hoping we can get serious about it again especially if our chances improve with me having surgery. I want us to be as healthy as possible so we will have our best shot of conceiving!
My "funk" although better, has unfortunately continued to hang around. Overall though, I am feeling cautiously hopeful and ready for a new direction. I know we will have a bit more clarity once we return from Austin.
A friend wrote this quote on Fb a while back and it has stayed with me...
"Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions.
Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away."
--Henry Nouwen
I am trying to be content with my little light for now and know that God will remove the shadows when and how He sees fit. Or perhaps He will choose to leave the shadows that force me to learn greater trust...which is definitely something I need extra at times!
Thankful we have at least enough light for our
next step.
Also, I'm quite thankful for this Lent and the
chance to simplify! I am definitely enjoying
living with fewer distractions right now.
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