When I said I had an appointment on that Monday at 2:30?
Yeaaa, that definitely did NOT go as planned.
Here's what happened.
Dh planned to get off work early to come home and get ready to go with me. He texted me from work that morning so many times to say he couldn't even concentrate because he was so excited! I must say, I certainly was too.
When I made the appointment, I remember thinking...10 days! Only 10 days until we get to see this little one!
We got to the office about 2 so we could fill out the necessary paperwork and such and have plenty of time. I went to the desk to check in and they couldn't find my name. I started to get a little worried but then I spelled my name just to check. Sure enough, they had spelled my name wrong so I breathed a sigh of relief that it was just a simple mistake.
But there was still something wrong and they said I didn't have an appointment that day. They told me that my appointment was actually LAST week and that I had missed my appointment!!
umm, what?!
In my last post I listed the whole conversation with the front desk lady. We got our appt moved from the 20th to the 18th, and then she called back later to say there had been a cancellation for Monday. I was SO excited that we had an appointment date before Dh went out of town that I realize that I never actually verified the date...and she never actually said it. So, we were working with a particular week and I never even thought for a moment that she meant Monday the 9th! I mean, I made the appt. on a Friday!! Don't you think that if I had realized she meant the 9th that I would have jumped for joy and freaked out that we would have an appointment in a mere 3 days??
Of course, realizing what was happening made me quite emotional, but when the nurses told us the other doctor wouldn't even see us that day and that there were no doctors in the office on Tuesday,
I. pretty. much. lost it.
3 days would have been amazing of course, but I didn't really mind if we had to wait a few more days, or even weeks.
All I cared about was getting an appointment before Dh went out of town.
I know there is a reason for everything, but somehow, I just can't figure this one out. Why did this mistake have to happen? Our first pregnancy in four years. All the waiting and praying and dreaming. And my Dh will not be there with me to see our little one for the first time. To hear the heartbeat.
The only thing I can think of is that God is clearly still reminding us that we are not done learning patience. (um, duh!) And that we are certainly not in control. "Let go and let God" right?
Still, we are counting our blessings and thanking God for this baby. There are no red flags so far, and nothing is actually "wrong." I am taking my prometrium and being monitored every two weeks.
Dh left yesterday, and my new appointment is tomorrow.
We have much more peace about it than we did earlier in the week. God is taking care of all three of us...and one way or another, we will get to see this little one tomorrow. I will take video and send it to him as soon as I can.
Still doesn't feel real, but I know tomorrow will help it to sink in more! We have so much to be thankful for!!
In the long run, this is just a small hiccup in what will certainly be a grand journey. Dh will have other chances to come to other appointments and see our baby.
((side note: I realize that I must be rather fond of the word "certainly." I seem to use it quite often))
I am offering up every bit of frustration or uncertainty for all of you!!!
I am thankful for continued lessons in patience and
the fact that God is in control. His timing is ultimately
always perfect. (Why, after dealing with infertility
would I have ever though otherwise? Sheesh!)
I am still somewhat a cloud of shock and extreme
gratitude for this gift. The shock will wear off
someday I'm sure, but I know the gratitude never will.
Thank you for all your sweet comments and prayers!!
They are so very appreciated!!
I am still trying to wrap my head around what has happened in the last few days. It seriously feels like a dream. A dream I definitely do not want to wake up from.
I mean, it's getting easier to say the words but it still sort of feels like we're talking about someone else. I will pray and thank God and ask Him to protect this little one but it feels like someone elses's prayer request! Like it could not possibly be happening to me.
My first blood draw numbers last Wednesday were HCG 3,413, progesterone 16.2
And my draw on Saturday showed HCG
8,856! So baby is definitely growing!!!
I go next Wednesday for another draw to check progesterone and they (my doctor's office in Austin) will continue to monitor those levels every two weeks to make sure all stays well. They have me taking prometrium every evening as well.
I am so thankful that the Vitae clinic is monitoring me!! They are all so sweet and I know I am in good hands! The nurses tell me congratulations again every time I call :)
Monday is our first appointment with a local doctor. I just cannot believe that after these years of trying and praying that it is almost here. Monday I will have an ultrasound and instead of seeing nothing and just measuring my follicles, we will actually see a tiny little baby.
I would always pretend I could see something when I would go in for my ultrasound series and just pray that I'd get that chance someday. This time I won't have to pretend!! Perhaps seeing this little one will help make it more real because it is certainly taking a while for it to "sink in" and for me to actually believe what is happening.
All I keep saying is thank you, thank you to God and please watch over this baby.
Ah!! Baby!! Baby?! Is this really me we're talking about?! So. Darn. Crazy.
I am nervous and extremely excited for Monday at 2:30!!
Let me tell you that God is definitely on this case because my appointment was going to be Friday the 20th, but my Dh leaves to go out of town on the 18th!! We were so worried he might not be here but I kept calling their office to see if anything came up.
I called last Friday and the lady said,
"Well, it seems we have an opening now for the 18th at 8:30am." I told the nurse our situation.
That was definitely better! But when I texted Dh he had already booked his flight for 8 am that morning :(
I said a little prayer that something would please open up for Tuesday! (I had my mom praying too)
About 5 minutes later, the lady from the office called back to say there had just been a cancellation for that Monday!! I couldn't believe it!! God is so good!
So Monday at 2:30 it is. I am praying hard that all goes well and that he/she is healthy and busy growing in there.
I am trying to just soak it all in while trying not to worry. It's been quite a journey getting to this point and I want to remember every. single. second.
So incredibly surreal.
Thank you God!! And thank you, sweet blogger friends!! Your prayers mean SO much!!!
Up on a cloud somewhere between extreme joy and disbelief.
And I have been for two days!!!
I
ran out of meds this month and didn't get a new prescription in time. I
mean, Dh was super serious about all of his meds but me?? I was all
out. I mean, why, after 4 years being open to life would I suspect that
this would actually be the month???
And so I
kept telling myself not to get excited. That AF was just teasing me and
was right around the corner. I told myself that Tuesday was the day I
could test. All morning I said..."AF, if you are going to come, just
PLEASE come before I drive all the way to Wal-Mart and get the darn test
so I won't have to go through that!"
But she didn't. And when I got home, at 2pm, I saw this...
I honestly would have blogged sooner but I have just been trying to process this!!
All I could do was cry and say, Thank you God, Thank you for this gift!!
Since
I wasn't doing Clomid and HCG this month, Dh wasn't as aware of where I
was in my cycle so when he got home he was completely surprised and
overjoyed!!!!!!
So incredibly surreal.
I just can't believe it's finally happening.
Full of JOY and excitement and thankful-ness and hopeful but nervous as well.
Lord, please take care of this little one!!!!!!! If I could humbly ask for a few prayers.....
We are literally just walking around in shock and saying thank you, thank you, thank you for this blessing!!!
So many emotions!!! So many happy tears. OH. MY. GOODNESS.
Could this really be happening?!?!
Our
Mother of Perpetual Help, pray for us. St. Maria Goretti, pray for us.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us. St. Joseph, pray for us. St.
Anthony, pray for us. St. Therese, pray for us. St Gerard, pray for
us!!!!
To say that my blogging has been inconsistent would be a massive understatement.
When I start to think of a post, my feelings go about like this...
I have too much to say.
I don't know where to start.
I can't make sense of these jumbled feelings.
I have no one to talk to so if I don't write something soon, I'll explode!!
But, where to begin??
So, I'm going to simplify the process as much as possible.
This will be an update with numbers just for something different. (Why not?!)
4
Dh and I celebrated 4 wonderful years of crazy, up and down, growth with so much love, laughter and blessings!!! We went to College Station to see his brother and SIL and went out for our anniversary date on Friday. We were able to hit up favorite college spots and even took a night stroll around campus. It was lovely reminiscing about the time we spent dating and our adventures at A&M.
4
Years we have been open to life
3.5
Years TTC
(I was going to say, "trying to start our family" but I try to remember that our family is already started! Dh and I ARE a family, dang-it!!)
3
Our puppy turned 3 in August! We made a little birthday outing to the dog park and Pet-smart to get a treat. Don't know what I'd do without our sweet fur-baby! She really is the best dog!
At an outdoor, dog-friendly restaurant
The sun did a good job protecting my secret identity ;)
3
Photo shoots I've done in the last two weeks. Did I mention I'm starting a business??! I've thought about it so long and am finally making the leap! Um, hello insecurities!! So exciting and scary at the same time. I really want to rock this!!
Screw you, insecurity. I will have confidence. Repeat. I will.
My sweet twins I used to nanny for turned FOUR!! How did that happen?! I started with them when they were 7 months old!! Still love their family dearly and am going to see them this week.
4
Weeks this summer Dh has been out of town and
2 more he will have to be before September ends.
3
Jobs Dh has applied to. Change is coming...I feel it. We are praying God brings some job he will be happy doing where he feels fulfilled in the work! He is of course thankful for the job he has now but is definitely looking for new opportunities.
3
Years this summer we have been in our house.
1
New DIY roman shade for the back door that keep both the harsh West sun and the neighbors eyes out of our house. ;)
(I need to do a craft edition!)
73
New blooms in our backyard! (Ok, so I didn't really count) We planted some sort of climbing vine below some lattice on our fence and it has climbed all the way to the top and started blooming these lovely purple-ish/pink-ish flowers!! I get so excited when a plant does what I want it to/hope it will (instead of me forgetting to water something and killing it..ha)
See??
1
Sometimes lonely, but hopeful heart.
Change is coming!!
Dh is seeking other employment, I'm beginning a new business venture and just maybe our family will change and grow too. We'll start back with clomid and HCG for September. (Prescription ran out for August and I had to go see my doctor to get more..also, my doctor is moving to Califormia! Boo!) Also, I find it very difficult to continue charting when I'm not on meds...bad I know. Am I the only one? I just need to chart more consistently in general! AF will surely be knocking on my door any day now...she is teasing me again. Rude.
1
Blogger meet-up in July! I was blessed to share a few minutes with this lady and though it was short, I was so happy to get to meet her! It was pretty great to meet the Blogger-of-the-month and perhaps next time we can talk longer!
And...to end on a good note...
1
Kickball victory!!!!! Dh and I have played on this team for four seasons now and we have lost the very last game every.single.time! Ah! But not this time..
We didn't choke and ended up the overall Champions!!! Yes! (Fist pump)
3 2nd place finishes and 1 1st. We're playing next season too so we'll see if we can keep our winning streak and go for two in a row. Kickball is such a fun, silly thing to do every week with friends and though I get tired of it sometimes, I think we'll play as long as our team keeps playing.
Just trying to live for the day to day and leave the what-ifs for tomorrow.
Please know you've all been in my prayers despite my blogging absence!!
Thankful for 475,899,602 blessings and looking forward to many more!
The title pretty much sums up my relationship with running...
Remember this post (#4) when I talked about how awesome I was at running that month?
Yea, well I pretty much quit after that month. Quit it cold turkey. I sure showed you, running! (sad face)
I am slowly trying to incorporate it back into my schedule for two reasons...
1. My Dh is suuuuper active. Like he can go out for a run and burn more calories than I do in a month.
I know I've mentioned this before on here. He is one of those people who likes running. Yes, I mean really really likes running. Like, looks forward to it and misses it when he can't do it as often. He has definitely been my motivation for running more! I, on the other hand, am no such person. It takes an extraordinary effort for me to get dressed and get out the door in the mornings and I have to play all sorts of tricks on myself while I'm out there. And my face turns so red during and after a run that you would think I had been out without sunscreen for 3 days.
Side note: Even though this TX summer hasn't been near as hot as previous ones, if I don't get out before 7:45am, I just don't go.
2. I love sweets. I cannot overemphasize this point. Dh does not. Ugh! Why can't I be the one who likes sweets AND runs??! It would be so much easier that way! (A little voice is telling me life is not easy...Yes, I know thank you very much!)
Occasionally Dh will get a "sweet tooth." Those are the moments when for once, we get to eat desserts together! Monday, he said one of my favorite phrases ever..."I have a sweet tooth, let's go to Sonic!"
Oh. Happy. Day.
Got a coconut cream shake with reeses. It was seriously delicious y'all.
Also, there is a snow cone stand that was set up for the summer less than a mile from my house. So, for the past few weeks I have been a broken record. "Let's get snow cones!...Hey, I have an idea..snow cones!...."
I even tried to appeal to his inner runner..."We should run down to get snow cones!!"
I know I sounded a little desperate but seriously, is it even officially summer yet if you have not had a snow cone??!
I sounded like this guy....
(you don't have to watch the whole thing...Brian Regan is a comedian and this random person put weird pictures to his stand-up bit)
So, last night we finally got snow cones!! Pink lemonade and coconut to be exact. And it was quite lovely.
(umm, hello tangent!)
Anyhow, I would love to live a more active lifestyle and not feel totally guilty for those splurges that, let's face it, are going to happen anyway.
So, that brings me to my next love...l
Music.
Let me just say that caffeine has no effect whatsoever on me. When I am feeling down or in a slump or need extra energy or need to run I turn on a favorite song. Major mood changer!!
I have to update my playlist quite often to keep from getting bored and this is my most recent one. Now, different songs do different things for me so if you care to find out, please read on :)
1. Time After Time--old song. love this remake
2. One More Night--guilty pleasure song!
3. Sail--the bass on this song is awesome. best in the car with bass turned up.
4. Hello Alone--just like the sound of this band
5. Surrender--serious lyric motivation. chorus: "I will not surrender"-->pretty self explanatory :)
6. Heart a Break--girl power jam
7. G6--party song
8.Cosmic Love--when the first couple of seconds of this song come on, two things happen: I relax my face (I furrow brow something fierce when I run) and I click up the volume...because I know what's coming...so I can relax just a bit before the killer drums kick in.
9. Yeah 3X--party song
10. Hearts on Fire--if you haven't seen Rocky, you may not find this relevant at all, but if you have, you'll totally get it. One time Dh had a "Man Movie Night" with lots of guys in college and had a Rocky movie marathon. After it was over he was so motivated he went out and ran 4 miles. At 4am. This makes me think of that :)
11. Munich--another "calmer" song. This one says to me..."relax! enjoy the run!"
12. Cruise--can't beat this for a summer country party song
13. Forever--good beat. and reminds me of The Office episode when Jim and Pam get married. I love The Office. And happy feelings...
14. Girl on Fire--girl power jam. I sing this reeeeaaally loud in my head.
15. Boston--I'm starting to realize how much I love percussion. awesome drums again and my Irish roots dig the sound.
16. Gunpowder--makes me feel like a bad-ace....just being honest! ;) also, may or may not have sung this at karaoke.
17. Hopin'--really like Josh Gracin's sound!
18. Nothin' to lose--see explanation for #15
19. Want You Back--because who doesn't love to sing in a British accent now and then?
Not pictured.....
20. Louder by Charice--girl power jam
21. Breaking by Anberlin--see #4 explanation
22. Callin' Baton Rouge by Garth Brooks--I grew up listening to GB with my dad..and this one has a great fast beat.
23. Blue Clear Sky by George Strait--can you ever go wrong with George Strait?!
Well, there you have it!
My "go-to" motivation for running breakdown.
So, do y'all have any moto songs??! I am ALWAYS looking for new music! I will often get on iTunes and browse for new material when I get bored with mine.
Oh! One running tip that works for me...
I always set little goals, like "I'm running to the end of this street" and then get an extra sense of accomplishment when I go further than my little goal. Oh yes. I play lots of games to make myself keep running. I also recommend taking advantage of the neighbors' sprinklers. Free extra boost when it's hot ;)
HA! Am I seriously trying to give advice on running?! Absurd I know. Ask a real pro, like this lady ;) She motivates me!!
I would looove to get in a good habit of being active! Each day is a struggle!! Really I just love music and like to pretend like I am just going out to listen to great jams, rather than actually worrying about how fast I am going. Hey, whatever works! ;)
Thankful for my health!
And that everyday is a new day to try again when I fall a bit (a lot) short.
You can't see me right now, but I am totally wearing my happy face...
Why you ask??
Well, Dh is on a work trip in California at the moment. Since it was going to be a two week trip, we decided that I would go visit him for a weekend during his time there. Soooo, at this very moment I am sitting here in a Texas airport waiting to board my plane!! Stoked comes close (though not completely satisfactory an adjective) to what I am feeling at the moment!!
He left last Wednesday and I get to be there tonight through Sunday! Never been to Cali before and the awesome part is, we've worked it out to cost barely anything.
Like I said.....stoked!!!
And some more good news...
We went for my surgery follow up and Dh's appt a few wks ago.
Dr K says I am fine and he's ready to basically hand me off to Dr P again where I live..so we'll start low-dose clomid and HCG injections again next month..
As for Dh..
I was super nervous sitting in the room with him and the moments before the Dr came in I was praying hard...."please let him be nice! Please let him give us hope!!"
As it turned out, Dr S was indeed nice, as well as professional and quite knowledgeable!
He made us feel at ease and gave us more hope than we've had in months!
It was determined that Dh does have a varicocele. He mentioned surgery as an option, but also said he has seen great results from Proxeed (which Dh is already taking!) He hasn't been very consistent (missing quite a bit), but Dr S encouraged him to make sure and take it twice a day and he said we can expect improvement in two months! He said "70% of his patients who consistently took Proxeed saw significant improvement"
He even said we can look at the Proxeed website to get the ingredients at a drugstore to save some money. That stuff is NOT cheap! I gave Dr S a few extra brownie points for mentioning that little tip. :)
He ordered bloodwork for Dh that same day as well to check hormone levels. We got the results today and apparently Dh has low FSH, LSH, and low testosterone.
Dr. S prescribed clomid to help Dh and said his energy levels should go up with this too. Sooo, I guess we get to share meds! Lol.
We will re-do a SA test in two months (uggghhhhhhhhh) to see if there has been improvement and Dh will revisit Dr S in Austin. If we are not already pg of course ;) If nothing has changed, we will pursue surgery to repair the varicocele.
The part of the appointment I was most surprised and thankful for though, was when Dr. S mentioned surgery as an option, Dh spoke right us and said "I'm fine with that." It was a HUGE relief to hear him say that he was ready to do the surgery at any time because that is the part I had been dreading!! The varicocele diagnosis was a bit scary, but Dh took it so well! In the past, we had left those appointments worried, uncertain, scared about what was to come...but with Dh's positive we'll-do-whatever-it-takes attitude, we were able to leave full to the brim of hope!!!
Dh said, "you've already done so much, I'm ready to do whatever it takes"
I know it is by the grace of God that his outlook has completely changed and because of that we are both much calmer heading into these next few months.
So, in a nutshell...
New diagnosis.
New plan.
Great outlook (for us both).
Hope coming out our ears at the moment!!
I don't care if the IF-coaster slams me down in the coming weeks or months...
Right now, I'm gonna take this hope and ride it straight to the top...maybe even catch a glimpse of the good things to come..
I'll take the bad when it inevitably comes...
But right now, I'm gonna fly to L.A.
Spend time with my sweet hubby.
And thanks God for today's blessings.
I know they definitely helped with the anxious feelings before going in as well as the healing now!
Honestly the whole experience wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. The nausea waking up wasn't fun but oddly enough, the part that freaked me out the most was them putting the IV in. I guess I thought after all the blood draws and shots it would be no big deal, but for some reason I found that the nurse putting that thing in my hand was pretty awful. I feel like a total wimp in light of everything so many of you have gone through. lol. I was prepared for the pain but it was like it seriously gave me the creeps too. The nurses were all so nice though and my doctor even came in and prayed with Dh and I beforehand! I couldn't take the St. Gerard relic with me into surgery (as it was metal) but we prayed with it and the St. Therese one before. I was so glad to have those two saints on my side!
When I had woken up enough to be coherent, Dh relayed what the doctor had told him. The surgery went very well and he was able to remove a fibroid from the right side of my uterus. We were relieved to hear that it was indeed the fibroid that had been blocking the opening to my right tube and that it was not blocked by itself. He also was able to remove stage 1 endometriosis from inside and outside the uterus. Dr. said he thought he would find more endo on the right side but there was actually more on the left. I think he said there was also some by my bladder. I will be curious to hear it from him directly and see the pictures when we go for my follow up.
My Dh has done an awesome job taking care of me, though he says I am a terrible patient and have tried to do too much, and I know both of us will be happy when I am 100% again. I am so glad to have this step over with. It feels amazing to know that Dr. K was able to remove the issues and he says he is really hopeful at this point about our chances! We go back for my follow-up on May 24 and we decided to go ahead and make Dh an appointment with the urologist in Austin that my doctor recommended. There just aren't that many options for urologists with infertility experience here and given the awful reviews of the one doctor from the referral...
This will be difficult enough and I just really do not want Dh to have to deal with any more awfulness then absolutely necessary. (Yes, I used the word awfulness..)
And as for my job...
I am adjusting to the change right now. I have thought about it and Dh and I agree that it is probably for the best. I didn't know beforehand that the doctors would tell me to "not lift over 15lbs for two weeks" after surgery. The little girl is 8 months old and though she is petite, I know she is over that amount and she definitely liked to be held while I was there. I have no way of knowing, but I have to believe that this will turn out to be a good thing after all. Perhaps working there any longer would have prolonged the healing or even made things worse. I know God is taking care of us and that "when the Lord closes a door, someway he opens a window..." (bonus points if you name that movie! ;)
My dad is doing okay, but my mom had a bit of a difficult mother's day. She was really missing her mom. Putting my energy into helping her to have a good day actually helped distract me from the sadness the day inevitably brings for an IF girl. Mass was still difficult. My heart was racing and I could feel my face getting red when the end of Mass was drawing near because I knew what would surely come. The priest actually gave a very nice blessing that did include moms who have children in Heaven as well as those trying to conceive. It didn't stop a few tears from leaking out, but it was nice to at least be mentioned in the blessing. It was an odd feeling to spend another mother's day this way. You never really think you will be in the same boat one year later. I felt the same during infertility awareness week. I even thought about IF awareness week in the months before it came and I was certain that I would have the courage to post something on Fb. I wanted to be at least a small voice that pointed someone toward NFP or PPIV for help, but I just couldn't. That was the week we got the results from the SA test and it just felt...too personal. Not that it isn't already. Dh and I were upset that nothing had changed for the better and I was in no emotional state to post something like that. Even if I didn't say anything about our personal struggle, I'm sure people could have figured it out. And it is not just me...we are a team and that would have sort of outed both of us and I didn't even want to ask Dh if he felt comfortable with it. He has made the choice to share with a few close friends but Fb is eeeeveryone.
Anyhow...
We are actually doing much better at the moment. We have a plan for both of us and I know we will find out much more come May 24!
A few happy moments from being out of town for surgery...
-Last Wednesday (day before) we went for my pre-op appt and then had awesome tex-mex at a place one of the nurses suggested. Nothing puts you in a good mood like fantastic salsa and a margarita :)
-We were able to stay in this "hotel" that houses patients that need to stay a few days that is connected to the hospital. It is only 20$/night so we were super thankful to not have to worry about that extra expense! It was a very simple room and the pillows were awful so Dh and I went to wal-mart to pick up a few things. We came back with pillows, peanut butter, jelly, bread, cheetos, paper towels, a fun cup with a straw for me, air freshener, and those microwave mac-n-cheese cup things. Sooo definitely glad we saved money on the hotel experience..lol. We joked that we were buying ingredients to go "camping."
-We went and saw Iron Man 3 on Wednesday night. Good movie. Good distraction too!
-Dh brought his laptop and movies for me to watch so after returning to the "hotel" afterwards, I was able to watch...well, watch between sleeping, some fun movies. Slept through most of Remember the Titans, but was able to watch all of Singing in the Rain (love that musical!) on Friday morning.
-Aaaand last but not least....over the course of almost a week, Dh has been super fantastic and has helped out so much around the house including with dishes, taking the dog to a vet appt, and even going grocery shopping. Last night he says, "I am starting to realize just how many things you do for us! Those small things really add up and I appreciate so much more what you do everyday."
Enough said :)
Well, he's almost home so I'm going to go eat dinner and enjoy listening to the lovely thunderstorm.
SO thankful for all of you and your prayers.
It means so very much.
I know it's not Friday but I really just need to throw everything out there so I'm doing my own Wednesday everything goes takes....so here goes!!
1. Three words...
Worst
Haircut
Ever
I hadn't had a haircut since last Fall so it had gotten much longer than I've had it in about two years. My hair is thin so though I would love to keep it long, it really looks better short. I was ready to take off a bit so I stopped in after work last week and started chatting with the lady...talked about how she had thin hair too...thought she understood what I wanted and then BAM!! She chops the heck out of my hair!!
I have now become "ponytail girl" and I am determined to wear it that way until it grows. It's too depressing looking at it down. Oh well, all I can do is laugh about it now!
2. The bad news I spoke of last week had to do with the results of our third semen analysis test...yes, THIRD. First I will back up and say we tried to get it done the week earlier but had a...complication.
(Okay, TMI coming but hey, do we really hold anything back on these blogs??)
Planned for a day Dh had off work.
Made the appt. Ordered the kit. Abstained the necessary number of days. Went about our "preferred collection method" (Catholic style of course) and the damn.thing.broke. Uggghhh. I almost started to cry right then, but tried to keep it together and then Dh says...hey! The condom broke..you know what that means?...
We might get pregnant!!
And then we died laughing.
HA!! Now wouldn't that have been something?!
So thankful for his sense of humor :)
The next week was a success, but the results were not much different from the first two. We were really thinking that since Dh has been taking all those supplements for the past few months that we would see a change for the better. We are currently researching urologists in our area. We had such a bad experience with the first one (really matter-of-fact guy who basically told us it was all genetic and there was nothing we could do) I really want to be careful about who we choose. I just wanted it to get better on his side so all we would have to worry about is me. Why does it seem way worse when your Dh has to deal with IF personally too?! The thought of him needing surgery or something literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Speaking of surgery...
3. My surgery is Thursday. It was going to be last week but AF decided to drag her feet and since the dr. wanted it done between days 6-10 it needed to be pushed back until this week. I am glad it is finally here and that we are that much closer to getting some answers. More importantly, I really hope that they can open my right tube and also fix the "uterine abnormality" during this surgery! I am really pretty good emotionally right now, but I think when I get to the hospital and it sinks in, my nerves might jump up. It's almost here which means it is almost over! It will ALL be so worth it someday! Just a bit leery of the unknown at the moment..
4. I lost my job yesterday. I have been nannying for a family with a 5 yr old boy and 8mo girl since the end of January. They are a nice, laid back family and they were pretty accommodating when I had to take off to go to Austin to the clinic and leave 10 min early a few days for my u/s series. I talked with them weeks ago about my surgery and they seemed fine. When it was moved from last week to this week they were still fine. I had been working M-Th but they have been quite busy so a few weeks ago they asked if I could come Fridays too...if I couldn't they would have to put them in daycare M-F.
I said yes of course since I didn't want to be out of a job! So, two weeks ago I offered to ask my mom if she'd be able to help watch the kids while I'm out. They said they would think about it and we talked about having my mom come Monday so that she could meet the kids and see their schedule before they would need her on Wednesday. Monday morning came and I hadn't heard from them for certain so I texted the mom to see if that was still the plan. She texted back saying..."no, actually we will be putting them in daycare starting Wednesday. We love you but we really need coverage and J (the dad) puts so much pressure on me to get coverage and I am so weird about who watches them. I only trust you and (the church daycare). Sorry it's over text but I may not be here when you get here this morning."
What. The. Heck.
That was yesterday morning and today was my last day. I thought I would have this job through the end of the summer until the 5yr old went to kindergarten. And now...nothing. I feel like I was completely blind sighted! I mean, really?! If you could have found someone for three days I would have been yours the whole rest of the summer! I didn't think she was that weird about who watched her kids bc she met me and hired me on the spot and wanted me to start the very next day! I know I can't judge how anyone feels...I'm sure it will be a huge deal when I have to decide who to leave my babies with...but still....I just didn't see this coming.
We have been so busy lately but when I said I hoped things slowed down soon this is definitely NOT what I meant.
The kids were sweet, the schedule great, the pay good. Sigh..
I got some extra hugs from the baby girl one more time and the 5yr cried when I left today ... :(
Well, God will provide. He always does. I am putting my trust in Him that better things are just around the corner. I sure hope so!
5. My dad called to tell me this morning that his uncle lost his battle with cancer early this morning. Three years to the day after my grandpa (my dad's dad) passed away. I knew him as an uncle too but I haven't seen him in a few years. My heart hurts for my dad though...he grew up with him and just saw him last week. If you could please pray for my dad and the extended family I would be so grateful. I won't even be able to attend the funeral since it is the day after surgery and we won't even be home yet.
6. My heart feels heavy this week with all that is going on, but please know I am offering it all up for those of you still waiting or suffering and all your intentions.
When my mom is hurting she always says, "there must be lots of people who need extra prayers" I am trying to be like her and offer this all up.
7. God is in control.
8. Repeat #7 and burn it into my brain.
9. I am sorry for the negative post...I will post something happy soon, I promise!
In the midst of everything there is still so much to be thankful for!
10. Like my dear SIL bringing a sweet card, peanut butter fudge shake from sonic, and amazing St Gerard and St Therese relics to keep with me during surgery!! It really couldn't have come at a better time.
Thankful for sweet family.
Thankful for the opportunity to have this surgery and get that much closer to figuring out this crazy IF mystery.
I've been finding it rather difficult to blog lately...
Mostly because of this picture. This is me anyway but the last few weeks it has been out of control.
I found this pic and showed Dh and he just laughed because we've had more than one conversation that went about like this:
Dh: You've been so quiet today, is anything going on?
Me: Well...
Dh: ........
Me: Ok. Well, in Mass I saw A, which made me think of B who needs our prayers right now, but so do C, D, and E, and this week I have to F and G on the same day, and I saw on FB that H, I, J, and K are all having babies and then I remembered that I was hungry and tired and that I forgot to L and M last week...
And that made me think of that article I read about N....which made me tear up and now saying all this is making me feel like a crazy person which is making me cry!!
ugh. Being a girl can be SO exhausting sometimes!
Oh! And in case you were wondering...this is an excellent way to recover after receiving bad news...
Hang it all! Lets order pizza! Ice cream too! Huzzaahh!!
It doesn't take away from it, but at least you won't go to bed hungry. Health food is soooo not comfort food.
Sigh.
Sorry to be so cryptic, but I just can't seem to form a cohesive post at the moment so this will have to suffice. I will try to write a better post soon...maybe I can close 1,754 tabs in my brain just long enough to get the words out.
Thankful that I saw the St. Gianna novena that this lady posted.
Yes, I started late and yes I'm awful at novenas but I think a
little focused 9 day prayer is a good thing right now!
My mom called Tuesday evening to say my grandma had passed away.
It was extremely unexpected and we spent the next few days in shock and disbelief.
She wasn't sick or anything so it has been hard to wrap our minds around the fact that we won't be seeing her again. We were just talking and joking with her a few short months ago at Christmas!
Tonight was the rosary and afterward we spent time at my aunt's house. It was so strange feeling glad to see family one moment and them remembering why we were there the next.
I am thankful for such wonderful family members who have dropped everything to be here! Their support has been such a blessing!
I still don't think it has sunk in yet. I know tomorrow will be a very difficult day so if you could spare a few prayers for everyone it would be much appreciated.
Hug your loved ones and call those who live far away...
Thankful for many years with a sweet lady and that my grandma will be reunited with my grandpa after 21 years apart...
Another week down and I am again, SO happy for the weekend!
1. Drove back to Austin on Tuesday for my first u/s in the series. My mom is always asking if she can come with me to appointments and things. She is sweet to offer, but I always say no, (mostly because I'd rather my Dh go, or no one) but I thought well, maybe company would be nice for 6 hours in the car this time and of course she'd just wait in the waiting room anyway. It was nice to eat lunch with her after my appt too before the trip back. Anyway, the u/s went pretty well. He said my uterus looked normal and about the right size. It took the dr. a bit to find my left ovary. I was thinking, I am almost positive they found two at my first u/s two years ago! When found it, he mentioned that it was smaller than the right one. He did say that most of the time they are the same size..hmm. Also, he pointed out a bit of what he called "free fluid" right under my uterus. He didn't seem alarmed, but called it "interesting" and said he would like to explore that more when I have surgery. So, the plan now is for me to finish out my u/s series where I live, to visit Austin one more time after the series is over, and then go for surgery for my next cycle. This will be sometime between days 6-10 in early April.
3. HSG was this morning. It was NOT fun by any means but I was able to take Aleve before and didn't have any crazy cramps afterwards. The worst of it didn't last very long thankfully. And the news? Left tube open.
Right tube closed. When they told me one was closed I automatically thought they would say the left was closed since that was the ovary that was smaller. At my u/s on Tuesday, Dr. K pointed out at least 10 follicles in the right ovary but didn't say he saw any in the left (there could have been I suppose, he just didn't say that). So how does that affect things with a small left ovary and a closed right tube?? Perhaps they'll be able to tell more what we're dealing with when they go in and look during surgery...not sure how to feel about all this. Just glad we are getting more pieces to this puzzle! And still hopeful that the more we know, the more we can fix!
2. I haven't mentioned it here yet, but after my little twins didn't need me to nanny much anymore, I started looking for a new job and finally found one! I had been applying for jobs on Care.com (where I found the job with the twins) and for weeks wasn't getting any responses. I was getting slightly desperate to just find anything when a lady contacted me to work for her family. She has two kids and needed someone M-Th. I originally was looking for something just a few days a week so I could keep up with housework, cooking, etc...(since I totally stink at managing my time and Dh has always said he'd rather me keep the house running than bring in money). However this job is 9:30-3:30 and for the month I have been there I have been able to do laundry/dishes/ironing in the mornings before I go and then get home before Dh does to finish and start dinner. I have even been to work on time or EARLY every day but two (one because I got stuck behind a train that decided to just stop on the tracks..ugh) and anyone who knows me knows this is a big deal!
They have a 5 year old boy and a 6 month old girl...the kids are sweet, parents laid back and the pay is better than I have ever gotten for a nanny job so I can't complain at all! My only concern lately is having to ask off work for appointments and things, but they actually had to try for a while after their first and the mom has PCOS so she is pretty understanding. Definitely thanking God for this opportunity to bring in a little extra especially with all the medical expenses we have lately and coming up.
3. Ordered all our new vitamins for Dh and I and I am excited to start getting into good habits of taking them together! Hopefully this motivation will last and we will stay pretty consistent. Time will tell I suppose.
4. I have been running more lately! Dh absolutely loves running and has done three or four (lost count) marathons, one 70.3 Iron Man triathlon, and just two weeks ago ran an ultra marathon (31 miles!)
Going with him to these races has definitely inspired me to get more consistent with my exercise, and the atmosphere of a race day has made me want to do them as well! Two years ago I ran my first 5k and last year, the 10k. Let me remind that I have NEVER liked running. I played tennis in high school and would only run to get better at tennis. It just never appealed to me to run for the sake of it. I would still love to play tennis, but since I don't get a chance to very often, I decided that I needed to make myself like running for several reasons. 1. It's free 2. I don't have to drive anywhere (probably wouldn't drive all the way to a gym) 3. It gives Dh and I one more thing in common 4. It's good to be active!
So, somehow with the help of a good playlist and some pretty nice weather, I have been able to run at least 3 or so times a week for about a month and a half! I ran 36 miles in February and I hope to beat that in March! Going from running maybe 5 miles in a month (if that) I am pretty happy with this progress. I still wouldn't say that I like it, but I do like how I feel when I finish. Hopefully the weather will stay nice because my motivation goes WAY DOWN if not. I am hoping by putting this in writing I will stay consistent for as long as possible. Though the times I have gone out to actually run in the summer I can count on one hand so I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.
5. I have been reading Kelle Hampton's blog, Enjoying the Small Things, for about three years. I found her blog just after she had her second child and discovered at birth that little Nella had Down Syndrome. She described her raw emotions after her birth and how she learned to find beauty in the unexpected. Her birth story spread quickly and her blog gained many followers. I have been drawn to her beautiful pictures and heartfelt words as she chronicles her life and advocates for individuals with D.S.
Occasionally she will have a guest post from another blog and I was struck by the words of the lady who posted the other day. Her lifestyle is quite different from my own but I can relate to how she describes the longing for children. Especially when she says...
"There is room in my life for children. It’s the space below my rib cage, and it’s hollow, and it’s excruciating. I can’t talk myself out of it. This is a longing way, way beneath tissue, in a realm beyond sense and economic calculations. This blueprint of love is hard wired into me"
I can relate. I have felt "hard wired for love" since I was very young. I have always wanted to be a mama and share that love with little ones. I'm not looking for a guy to share with, but I can relate to the feeling of wanting to play it cool when talking to family or especially friends. By trying to seem nonchalant when people ask when you are having kids. To hold your tongue and nod when others say they don't want kids. Not wanting to scare them by divulging your dearest desire of just how badly you want this. Not wanting to show how bad it hurts...or even how it hurts to pretend it's no big deal. Just shows you that no matter what your life looks like...whether you are a daredevil adventure seeker or a homebody, the longing to be a mother would make you drop it all in a second, if you get the chance. Sure we have a lot "more free-time" and are "not tied down" at the moment, but Dh and I have both talked about how wonderful it will be to just spend time at home making memories with our little ones. And I'm sure I'll bring them to their daddy's races and we will have adventures of our own as well. :) It's worth a read if you get the chance.
6. Kickball starts next week. Yep, that's right...Dh and I are in a kickball league with some people from his work and this will be our third season to play with them! It's a nice Thursday distraction and time to just do something silly with friends. Before last year, I had not played since I was in third grade :) We play a game or two and then go to a local pub that sponsors the league...they have pizza, karaoke, and crazy door prizes that always look like they were picked up at a garage sale or Goodwill, so what's not to love?! Here's to doing something just out of the ordinary and fun now and then...we all need it!
7. Thankful God is shedding more and more light into
our darkness and that I have friends and family who
are praying for us...and a really sweet Dh who helps
me stay positive.
Thankful you survived this all-over-the-
place quick takes!
Happy March, y'all! And thank you all for your prayers!
It has been a busy week, and I was quite glad when the weekend finally arrived! I guess when the first day of the week involves a road trip, the rest of the week can seem rather long.
On Monday, Dh and I were able to sleep in a bit and started our trip about 11am. My appointment was at 3pm so we figured with a three hour drive and traffic we should be right on track.
The Vitae Clinic is in a larger building that was being remodeled so walking in onto unfinished floors and ducking sheets of plastic seemed to be a bad sign. Thankfully, we found the sign on the door and walked in about 2:45pm.
Dh and I were both a bit nervous and didn't know what to expect so we joked while we waited to be called back. I "fixed up" my charts a few days before so they would be ready to show Dr. K when we got there.
I am definitely not the world's best charter by a long shot so by "fixed up" I mean ordered new charts and filled in the past few months based on the observations I had been keeping track of on my phone. (I know, awful!) One thing I am particularly terrible with, is charting "I's." We looked at my charts while waiting, and laughed that they would probably take one look at my charts and say, ummm, I think we know why you aren't getting pregnant. More "I"'s on the chart will most likely help your chances..lol. (Sure enough, Dr. K was quick to point that out..) I know I'm not great at marking them down, but it would have felt dishonest, though more accurate, if I had just thrown a bunch of them in random spots. Anyhow, moving on....
I will save you all the little details but will skip to the highlights:
Dr. K and his staff were all pleasant and seemed to be quite thorough which was nice because I really dislike getting the feeling from a doctor that he has better things to do! (Heck, he was so thorough we didn't leave the office until after 5!)
--Despite the fact that I am a yellow stamp user (I have never used green stamps), Dr. K recommended vitamin B-6 saying that more mucus really can't hurt.
--He recommended a good pre-natal vitamin. (I bought some and took them consistently when we first got married, but faded out after we found out it wouldn't be so easy...to be honest, I felt silly taking them)
--Dr. K wants us to find a new urologist in our area that we like for Dh to see and also to repeat a semen analysis test. This one will be our third. Faaan-tastic. (Just to recap, the first two showed decent count and motility, but poor morph. though we did have issues with getting it to the lab on time. We had to drive almost an hour for the second one and wondered if that could have caused such results.)
--He wants me to come in for an ultrasound series to see how I ovulate and with the timing of my cycle, it worked out that the first one will be this coming Tuesday! Fortunately, I will be able to have the follow-up ultrasounds in FtW so that is certainly a plus. The less driving, the better!
--Lastly, he ordered a HSG (putting dye through your tubes to make sure they are open) for me and since it has to be done between days 6-10, that too will be next week!
So, I definitely have a busy week ahead of me with driving to Austin for an u/s on Tuesday and then an HSG on Friday. Not worried about the u/s. Apprehensive about the HSG. I have never had any sort of surgery or procedure at a hospital so this will be all new for me!
I am definitely thankful that we have direction now and have new paths to explore in solving this IF puzzle. A little more light, you could say in what seems like a very long, and dark journey at times.
And though it seems like things will get quite busy, I am thankful things are happening fast. The faster we check these things off, the faster we'll get answers, right?! That's my theory anyway.
Almost forgot...surgery is definitely still a strong possibility. I'm not sure the results of anything we're doing until then would make having surgery unnecessary. (Unless of course we are blessed with a little one before then! ;)
Interestingly enough, as we keep moving in this direction to conceive, adoption has been on my heart more than ever. So, who knows what twists and turns God has planned for us! We are definitely open to any and all possibilities to grow our family.
My main thankfuls are 3 paragraphs up...
But a bonus one would be thankful for 70 degree weather today...it's certainly feeling more like Spring!
We made the appointment mid-January so of course it seemed like such a long wait...
but it is almost here.
This coming Monday, Dh and I will drive down to Austin for my first consultation appointment with Dr. K at the Vitae Clinic. Great name for a clinic, right?
After 5 months without results, September-January, of clomid 5-9 and HCG injections P+3, 5, 7, and 9 our local NaPro Dr. referred us to the clinic in Austin. Our Dr. P said that couples will go through this regimen about 3-6 months before trying something new (surgery in most cases). We were going to finish out the whole 6 months, but then Dh had to go to Korea for 10 days and "trying" this month just wasn't possible. He was extremely missed, but I can't say I was sad to miss a month of pills and shots.
There were a few events over his absence where it would have just been so nice to be together face to face, whether it was something not-so-great (like an in-person pg announcement at a girls lunch, or being sick all one night and day) or a very extremely wonderful thing (like our sweet, beautiful niece being born and wanting to share the joy with him). Needless to say, it was wonderful to welcome him home last Friday. Though he did get major brownie points for sending me flowers from Korea, which just happened to arrive on the day I was sick..perfect timing! Also, I am super thankful for technology! We were able to FaceTime quite a bit while he was there and talk via Skype and it would have been much more difficult and long without those things!
So with his big trip behind us, we are headed for the next big thing in Feb. for us...going to the appt. on Monday. I know Dr. K will review my case and from what I understand, it seems like I am headed for surgery.
I have never had surgery of any sort before so this will be quite a new experience. And with any new experience comes some fear of the unknown, but mostly I am ready.
I am so ready to have this surgery and see what he finds, but most importantly, I am ready for it to be fixed!
Though I was really hoping to avoid surgery, if that is what it is going to take I am ready for this next step. I used to think that low progesterone was my only issue, but who knows?
Not sure if I have mentioned it here before but we did decide to order a few things that some of you had suggested to help Dh. I believe October was the first month that Dh started taking Mucuna Pruiens, and also Proxeed. Our Dr. here had said that they "try to maximize the woman's health" and pretty much don't do anything for the husband so we thought it couldn't hurt to try a few supplements y'all suggested. He did really great taking them both twice a day for about three weeks but then it became more difficult to keep up with. I am hoping we can get serious about it again especially if our chances improve with me having surgery. I want us to be as healthy as possible so we will have our best shot of conceiving!
My "funk" although better, has unfortunately continued to hang around. Overall though, I am feeling cautiously hopeful and ready for a new direction. I know we will have a bit more clarity once we return from Austin.
A friend wrote this quote on Fb a while back and it has stayed with me...
"Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions.
Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away."
--Henry Nouwen
I am trying to be content with my little light for now and know that God will remove the shadows when and how He sees fit. Or perhaps He will choose to leave the shadows that force me to learn greater trust...which is definitely something I need extra at times!
Thankful we have at least enough light for our
next step.
Also, I'm quite thankful for this Lent and the
chance to simplify! I am definitely enjoying
living with fewer distractions right now.
Yes, February is already here, but since this is my first blog post of 2013, I am going to say it anyway...
Happy New Year y'all!!
Where to even begin? This will just be a quick update to get back into the swing of things, but I do hope to start blogging more regularly again. I have just felt so weird about blogging lately, but it is not like I haven't had anything I've wished to share.
We had a lovely Christmas and since it is my all time favorite holiday, I'm combining two of my loves (Christmas and photography) and leaving you with a few detail snaps I took this year...
Here are a few of our Christmasy (sp?) mantle. These picture frames I picked up at thrift stores and I change out what I put around them to go with the seasons. The wreath in the background is made of squares of burlap push-pinned to a foam wreath. I made it last year and I keep it up and change the ribbon throughout the year.
Every year when we go to the Christmas tree farm, I grab an armful of as many loose branches as I can that have fallen off other trees and use them around the house.
I love this wooden, JOY ornament! This year as I was supposed to be putting decorations away, decided to have a last minute photo-shoot with ornaments and such. I propped this one up in the keys of our piano to try to get it standing up with the Christmas tree lights in the background. (After all, is there any better time of year than Christmas to play with bokeh?! Bokeh=out of focus lights in the background :)
Front window.
I really wanted to try to get our pup, Jovie with some bokeh background and this was the closest I got to a good one. Trying to make her sit in the spot I wanted and look at me while still getting a focused shot was tricky to say the least.
Our new (old) thrifted piano is getting its own post someday. I seriously love this thing!
Clearly she wasn't nearly as happy about my little shoot as I was. This is what she really thought.
Too bad, pup! Until we have kids, you are the only living thing in the house on a regular basis that I can practice on...so deal with it! ;)
Anyone else love photography? I am always curious so if you are too...all images shot with Canon Rebel T2i with 50mm lens. I am learning but I love it!
