Still not friends..

..with aunt flow.

She is that ridiculous, smelly next door neighbor who comes to my door every single month bringing the same brussel sprout stew and then tells me she hates my shoes
despite the fact that I have told her repeatedly that her insults and disgusting dinner are just not welcome.

Ugh.

I got a fb message today from a friend from high school that I don't really talk to much anymore that said..

"I had a crazy dream last night that you were pregnant. Anything you want to tell me?!???! Hope all is well!"

I immediately start thinking..oh my goodness, what if I am pregnant?! What an awesome story that would be and I can't wait to tell my friends and family and the whole world and I have had such crazy dreams lately maybe they are crazy pg dreams and...
Approximately 4.37 seconds later I realize that AF has arrived.
No joke.
Seriously super timing.

Anyways, then I start thinking of what it will be like to be in pain or sick or tired for a really great reason (like for actually being pg, or in labor, or tired being up at night with a little one) and I remember why I go through this every month.

Not just dealing with CD1s over and over, but why I put myself through the...hopeful, excited, this could be it emotions that turn into, not this time, and let down emotions..

Because someday it will be worth it. Because someday I will see those two pink lines and jump for joy. Because someday I will hold my sweet baby love in my arms and wonder how life could be any better. And because someday, at some point, I will most likely be near total exhaustion with a messy household and need encouraging...

And that once infertile lady of my past life will whisper in my ear how very lucky and blessed I am.
And I will remember that it WAS worth it all along.

So, even though today was really rather not so great, I am looking forward to that day in the future where I can look back and actually be thankful for this cross.
This cross that taught me to endure pain and to be strong and to find joy in the most unlikely circumstances.

And on that day, when the old me reminds the new me to be thankful, I will take her advice.


God knows what He is doing and I know He has not given us this cross without reason.

Praying tonight that He will continue to keep reminding me of this (as I tend to have a very short term memory)


Thankful tonight for extra hugs from Dh, Reese's (my favorite!) cookies, and a W for the Rangers!! ;)




Just wanted to end with something pretty. (obsessed with collages at the moment..)

Goodnight!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

10 points if you can guess...

...what I brought home yesterday.

I'll give you a hint. It's something you would never expect someone trying to have a baby would get before getting that BFP.
...

I got a crib!

Sounds funny to say that! Ha!

Well, you may remember that I am a nanny for a family with twins . They are 2 1/2 and have been in big kid beds for a while now. The lady I work for, A, is giving one crib to her sister and she offered the other one to me! I thought about it for a while and tried to decide whether or not having a crib but no baby in the house would make me sad, depressed, etc..

I finally just said...what the heck, Why not?! It's a free crib! And I'm using this opportunity to practice being super positive and trusting God and his timing. Who knows? I may get to put it to use sooner than I think! I talked to Dh and he said, "well, we're not going to set it up right, because that would be pretty weird to explain to people."Ha! Of course not. It will remain in its current state (in pieces) until we get some super fantastic news ;) Anyhow, we now have our very first baby item, and it is patiently waiting in our back room to be filled.

In other news, I have been having the most bizarre (and sometimes scary) dreams! On Monday night, I had two in a row which were dreadful (I won't go into details) back to back and I woke up after the second totally freaked out!  Last night, I dreamed I was in this small town I had never heard of before. It was a much longer dream, but I'll skip to the end..

We were going into this small diner for dinner and for some reason I had 2 cartons of ice cream and brought them in with me. I was walking by the front counter when a lady that worked there said, "that's fine, but just make sure no one else eats your ice cream or you'll be screwed."

For some reason, I knew she was talking about our infertility...like if someone were to eat my ice cream, we wouldn't be able to have kids (so weird!) I kept walking and put my stuff down at the table where Dh was sitting with some random other people and then left again to use the restroom. When I came back, I could see that some girl was EATING MY ICE CREAM!!! I actually do know this girl IRL and she has a little baby girl but I guess she didn't yet in this crazy scenario. I was SO incredibly angry and upset all at once I wanted to run over there and punch her!  I turned and walked outside, trying to calm down and fully prepared to walk home when I saw how dark the sky was. Then I saw that a funnel cloud was stretching down to the ground right in front of me!!  (y'all may have heard of the 12 tornadoes that ripped through North TX a few weeks ago..guess it was still on my mind)
The huge black cloud grew even bigger and swirled around to the other side of the diner. For a moment I was frozen but then all I could think of was my Dh still inside. I rushed back in only to see the giant tornado through the big glass windows on the other side of the diner. My husband was at the other end, still eating, and no one saw what was happening. There was no time and I was the only one that could warn them. I tried to yell and...

Nothing came out.

I was totally panicking and then I YELLED....
.....

And woke myself up. And my husband. Because I actually caused myself to yell out in real life. I was still trying to shake myself from the dream and I could hear Dh say, "what the heck!"
He says I yelled something like "COAT!" but I assure him that what I was trying to say was.. "GETAWAYFROMTHEWINDOWS!!"

Ice cream. Infertility. Tornadoes. My subconscious is weird.


Needless to say, I am really hoping to have some good, calm dreams about puppies or sunsets soon.

Thank y'all for your encouragement after my last crazy person post. I am feeling better but definitely still working many things out in my head. I know your prayers help so much though so thank you!
As for my appointment, it went really well! It's always a wonderful thing when your doctor wears a precious feet pin and you leave his office with holy cards and 2 miraculous medals :)

I had stopped charting a while back when we started with Dr. H (not Hilgers, and not Catholic..fyi)
because it wasn't really necessary. The new Dr. P wants me to start charting again and when I have a cycle to show him, he will order a full set of labs (he said 10 blood draws during my cycle) to see what things look like throughout. I've never really particularly liked charting but I know it is necessary and I am certainly excited about a new plan of action. 

Well, that's all for now, and I'm off to do not so fun things (like researching electricians..boo), and fun things as well (like a craft day with my mama and youngest sister :)



Today I am thankful for our awesome, Catholic doctor and
for a new path to follow!
Today I am also thankful for our beautiful home.
Even though things break sometimes, I know
how blessed we are!

Drifting.

Oh so many things going through my head!!

Had a slight freak out moment yesterday. I felt like I was floating in a sea of uncertainty and I couldn't get a grasp on anything...

What am I doing??
What should I be doing??
What does God want me to do/who does He want me to be?
Where do I go from here?!

I had to slow down and literally go through all the things that I absolutely know to be true.

My name is _____. I am a child of God. He loves me more than I could ever imagine and wants me to be happy. I am married to an amazing man who also loves me so very much. I am a wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, sis-in-law, cousin, friend, godmother, nanny, etc...and I desire to be a mother with all my heart.

I haven't worked my nanny jobs at all this week due to sickness on my part, and other things going on with my nanny families. The house is pretty darn clean (trying to be a good wife!) and I find myself just wondering what I'm actually doing and what I am supposed to do? Just in life. In general. Feeling a little without a purpose this week I suppose. Most days I absolutely love going to nanny and taking care of these kids that mean so much to me and other days I am reminded that they are not mine. And it just doesn't quite get there for me. I also love photography and am learning more and trying to decide if this is a direction I actually want to pursue as a way of bringing in income. Then I think of how many others try to do this, wonder if I could possibly be good enough, remember how little I know about running a business...and this notion goes out the window once more. I am also passionately pro-life, and have been quite active in the past, but have since fallen away from the "super-involved" person that I once was.

Definitely took a step back from things when the reality that getting pregnant was going to take more work than just "getting lucky" set in. 

Despite the fact that I pray everyday my life will soon change in a big way when dh and I become parents, my life will not begin when I become a mama. God has given me my life today and he wants me to use it to the full and to live for right now. For today. Period. I think I remember a quote somewhere that worrying robs today of its joy and I certainly do not want that.
 
Even scarier, I will not magically change into the best version of myself overnight. I will have the same faults I have right now...I will be a disorganized, untimely, sometimes scattered.....mama. And that sometimes scares the heck out of me!!
I want so badly to be the woman, wife, and (please someday God!) mama that He wants me to be but I have to remember that getting there takes time. Falling teaches us to pick ourselves up. And this feeling of floating around shows me that I need to anchor myself to Christ more than ever!  Dh and I are doing amazing praying the Divine Mercy Novena every single day and this is quite an accomplishment because I know I can count the novenas I have actually stuck to for a whole nine days without a miss on one hand.


Guess I just felt my faults, my fears and uncertainty a little stronger yesterday than normal.

Adoration yesterday evening after all of these thoughts worked wonders though! I know that I need to pray more and cling to Christ! I know that He has given me many MANY blessings and I trust that He has the plan for my life all worked out. So I am going to work harder on....
Stopping everything to LISTEN to what He is telling me on a day to day basis.
TRUSTING that no matter what I know or do not know about my future, God is already there and there is no need to worry.
KNOWING that I am in this very place for a reason, and that I can use every day God gives me as an opportunity to better myself.

Sorry for the crazy ramble! Does anyone ever feel like this?!  Sometimes I just need to unwind the tangled mess of my mind onto something I can read later and try to decipher.

Tomorrow at 1:30 is our appt with that Dr P and I know it is just a consultation but I am confident that it will help us begin to find the answers we need. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

I very much dislike when my brain goes haywire. I know that I am calming down and I hope to be back trusting, joyful, hoping, loving, appreciating every moment that God gives us very soon! God has all the answers, but I don't have to. God has all the answers, but I don't have to. Repeat to self.

Most importantly I know that even when I feel like I am out to sea without a raft, God is holding me.


Today I am thankful for times like this (even though they are not all that fun)
because they remind me how much I need God in every moment of every day.
Thankful for this mini wake up call. He loves me, and really, isn't that all that
really matters?

Thank you moments

It has been a good Holy week so far!

 I feel Jesus very strongly telling me that He is right here with me. This is obvious of course, but it's always nice when you can take the time to really understand this reality. I know there are many times in life when I don't feel especially "close" to Him for whatever reason and that this is primarily my fault by not seeking Him out and making time for Him. Then there are other times when I see Jesus all around me in the big and not so big moments.
For instance, a few times this week I had a little "Thank you Jesus" moment.

Wednesday I was able to go to confession and I was hoping to get there early since it was my last time to go before Easter! I still ended up waiting about 45 minutes and right when I was done the priest told me that I was the last one. That was close!

Yesterday, I randomly decided to clean out the center console of my car (which I rarely do) and ended up finding a check from a nanny job in February of last year that I had never deposited! (hello organization)
So glad I didn't throw it away with the old receipts and Sonic straw wrappers ;)

Also, I made a friend when I was catching some rays outside yesterday. This butterfly must have mistaken my foot for a flower because he even flew away and came right back to me. I even got him to crawl up on my hand too! This may seem silly but it was just a fun little moment that doesn't ever happen.





Then last night at Good Friday services, my youngest sister (12 yrs) got to sing a solo and she did such a beautiful job I couldn't help but thank Jesus that dh and I were able to be there. So proud of her!

I really love when in the midst of an ordinary day, God gives you a just a little glimpse of something beautiful. Something as if to say "Hey! You may not always notice, but I am here! And I'm taking care of you!"

I am also very excited about beginning the Divine Mercy Novena! Story time...
My dad wasn't raised in any religion or even taught to attend church at all except for maybe once in a blue moon with his grandparents. My mom was raised Catholic and they were married in a church but after that they attended a Methodist church for about ten years. My mom eventually felt the calling to come back to the Catholic church and began taking my sister and me. My dad wasn't very happy about this and would never go to mass with us. One year my mom decided to pray the Divine Mercy Novena for my dad to attend any church at all and she was incredibly surprised when on Divine Mercy Sunday he told her that he wanted to become Catholic! I even forget sometimes that he was ever not Catholic because you would never know by talking to him. Needless to say, this novena has an extra special meaning in our family :)
Now, I am beginning it again this year with dh and I cannot help but feel encouraged and hopeful by something so powerful. I really like the phrase "unfathomable mercy" because even though I know God is gracious and merciful, it is so difficult to really wrap my mind around it!
 Found this quote..

Our Lord said to Saint Faustina:

Encourage souls to say the Chaplet which I have given you
... Whoever will recite it will receive great mercy at the hour of death
... When they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will
stand between my Father and the dying person, not as the Just Judge but
as the Merciful Savior ... Priests will recommend it to sinners as their
last hope of salvation. Even if there were a sinner most hardened, if
he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from my
infinite mercy. I desire to grant unimaginable graces to those souls
who trust in My mercy ... Through the Chaplet you will obtain
everything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will.

 Here is a link to information about it if you wish to participate  
http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/mercy/index.htm

So, if you haven't already, I hope everyone can consider praying this novena and maybe even experience whatever Easter miracle God wishes you to have this year!






A very blessed Easter to you all!



"How much comfort people would find and what happiness even in the midst of trials, if they only believed that everything that happens to them comes from My desire to do them good and that all is fitted to the measure of each one. It would be so simple and so heartwarming for them to contemplate My immense love."
 -from the book He and I