Bittersweet.

This past week and weekend have been so very busy I feel like someone pressed fast forward. I look up and another week has passed.! I think the transition from dh gone to dh back home has left more work for him and it has taken us a bit to get back into the swing of things! Last weekend alone we had our 10k race, family in town to see (yay for time with the sweet nephew!), and a fundraiser at church. At least they were all good things :)

On the other hand, I just found out some news yesterday and it is definitely bittersweet...

First of all, I have been a nanny for a few years now. I have always loved kids so much and in the search for something that I could enjoy while bringing in some money too, I just fell into this. In April of 2010, I was contacted by a mom with 7month old boy/girl twins who needed a little extra help. She hired me to come 8-5 four days a week and said that she would like me to stay for about a month. After that month they decided to keep me for a bit longer and so the one month turned into 9 months! In December, they said that they would no longer need me and so we said our tearful goodbyes on my last day.

I believe it was 3-4 weeks later when she texted me to see if I was available to come back a few days a week. Of course I said yes and began again 2 days a week. After a while I was cut to only one day a week which is the position I am in now. It will be two years this April that I have been with this family (just about the longest job I've had anywhere!) and needless to say, I have completely fallen in love with these two sweet kiddos as well as their whole family!

I have seen these kids get their first teeth, learn to walk, gone with them to doctor's appointments and music classes. I've read to them, held them, prayed for them, teared up as they learned to say my name (yep, I get emotional), been there through potty training, for their second birthday party and the list goes on and on...
I've met most of their extended family and their mom has become much more a friend and much less an employer as time has gone on. I am certainly grateful for the help this paycheck brings to us, but it has become so much more and I feel guiltier by the day because I feel like just another Aunt who comes to play and who really shouldn't be paid.

Anyways, the mom told me yesterday that come August, the kids will be attending their little school 5 days a week and will no longer need me...

I knew this day would come, of course, but I will certainly miss my time with these two little ones who have taken up such a big place in my heart. They are a huge reason that the idea of adoption no longer scares me like it did because I know for sure now that it is possible to love someone else's kids so very much.
We will definitely keep trying to conceive, but if God's will is to lead us to adoption, I know that we will be able to love any children that He wishes to place in our family. I am thankful for all the time I have had with this family (more than I ever expected) and it is my hope that after August, I will be able to transition into some sort of pseudo-aunt who gets to just come play every now and then.

Thanks for letting me get all mushy for a bit about "my" lovely little ones. Sometimes when I am talking to my SIL (with my sweet nephew) or other moms, I start talking about kid stuff like they are mine and then I remember I'm only a nanny. I certainly hope and pray the day when I can love on littles who are actually mine is right around the corner.  I  hope this change will be one that leaves good things in its wake. I know that God has great plans for 2012, I just know it! As this chapter ends another begins right? I'm just really hoping God adds some new little characters to our story!

Well, I believe I will end this super mushy post with a few equally mushy song lyrics to a song from one of my favorite musicals, Wicked. (Fact: I am obsessed with musicals:)


"For Good"

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn and we are lead
To those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better but
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good

It well may be that we may never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.




Aaaaaaand with that, I do believe I'll go watch an action movie or something ;)



Today I'm thankful for the time I've been given with a lovely family and for encounters with 
people who change you for good.

A good place

Well, hey there February.

It really seems like this year just started!

I am definitely ready for a good happy post to have the top spot on here and that works out great because happy is exactly where I have been lately :) I have really been thinking recently about this year compared to last year and the one before and I am just thanking God and soaking up all the goodness that has been these past few weeks/months. I suppose you could say DH and I had a bit of a rough start to our married life (deaths in both families, normal lets figure out how to be married stuff, finding out we wouldn't be having little ones right away) but we have grown so much and worked things out together and this place right now is a really good place! Part of my crazy brain thinks that since things have been so good, that something is about to go wrong. Then the awesome happy/joyful part of my brain tells the other part to shut up and enjoy the moment.

I know it will not always be this way. We still feel we are a bit stuck on our IF journey and not quite sure of our next steps. For whatever reason though, this has not even been able to break this lovely good mood spell. Actually, the only thing that has caused pain recently has been facebook! I have felt so confident in God's love for us and hopeful about his future plans but when I see all the pretty babies and pregnant ladies flooding my feed I get that awful feeling like I've just been punched in the stomach. The desire to be a mommy is so strong and it always will be. I have never given up fb for Lent but I am seriously considering it this time since I am realizing more and more its ability to bring me down.

  I know we will have more difficult times to come, but for now, I am SO very thankful that we have been given this awesome joy and this awesome feeling of closeness with each other and with God. (adding more adoration has definitely helped that). DH is actually out of town at the moment (1 week down, 1 to go!) and though I worry about him when he is away, I am focusing on the homecoming. (and I'm pretty freakin excited about it ;)

I wanted to share a bit more about myself in pictures. I am definitely a picture nut and I haven't shared any on here yet so these are just a few of my favorites from recently...

This is an old pic of our mantle at Christmas, but Christmas is my favorite time of the year so I wanted to share it!

Grapefruit: 1. because we are trying to eat healthier and 2. because I like these colors...didn't know how pretty the inside of a grapefruit could be :)

Training for a 10k coming up soon (yikes!) My feet and our pup's feet.

Obsessed with sunsets! This was a particularly lovely evening along a river.

Now I am going to quit procrastinating and finish cleaning our office!!



Today I am thankful for family. They keep checking to make sure I'm still alive while dh is away :)