Merry Christmas to all!!
Unfortunately today is CD1 for me.
ugh.
This one hurts a bit more. Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year and I did have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas Mass with dh's family and then Christmas day with mine. Yesterday was wonderful too! (Lunch with family downtown, afternoon movie date with dh, and then I confessed to having a headache on the way home and dh surprised me and put on my favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life!
He even brought me chocolate and watched it with me :)
I knew I was due to start soon, but some part of me didn't expect it because I was just so darn hopeful that we would get our Christmas miracle this year. I'm not sure why I thought it would be now. There was absolutely no reason we would have any better chance now than any other month...I will write a longer ttc history some other time but the short story is that I have very low progesterone and dh has now had 2 less than stellar s.a. test results (very low morph :( and neither of us are on anything to help our situation at this time.
I do NOT want this to ruin the JOY and HOPE of this lovely season and now as we wait for the wise men to come, I am back to waiting too. I just know that despite it's beginning, 2012 will hold good things for us. I am giving myself another hour tops, and then I will shake this disappointment and refocus on all the beautiful people and blessings I have been given that I am thankful for.
"If our hearts are never broken, then there's no joy in the mending. There's so much this hurt can teach us both...."
-new song by Snow Patrol
Today I am thankful for my wonderful husband. For all he did yesterday to make me feel better, for all the extra hugs today, and for what he does every single day to make me feel loved. I am so blessed to have him!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
It's been awhile...
And I am glad I am writing again! Things have been so very busy lately with my dh finishing his semester of school and training and running his marathon (def. nowhere near 26 miles myself...I was a lowly spectator), going in and out of town, family time, working a little, Christmas baking and making and cleaning...
I've had so many thoughts in my head and spiritually I have been up, down, and all over the place from breaking down in Mass seeing all the sweet little ones, holding on but almost losing it in stupid Walmart of all places seeing the mommas and kids (some sweet ones picking up things to make Christmas cookies and some moms who couldn't have been more than 19 with toddlers), and then on the other side of things--some really amazing adoration time feeling closer to Jesus than ever, and a beautiful homily...both doing a wonderful job of tipping my scale back to hopeful.
Story time: A few weeks ago I had a dream, and it was the most real feeling dream I think I've had in a long time. In the dream I had just given birth to a baby girl! (I have NEVER had a dream like this). You know where you "feel" things sometimes more than actually "see" them in dreams? Well, I knew that she was beautiful, and very very tiny. I had the sense that she was so tiny that something was seriously wrong and despite the fact that I knew she was mine, as I held her I felt like she was going to be taken from me.
Oh, the other cruel irony of this story would be that AF came the very next day. Maybe those crazy hormones had something to do with it. Both the pure joy and anxiety of this dream have stayed with me like it was yesterday and I don't really know what to make of it. I do know that I want to hold on to the feeling that what dh and I have prayed for hoped for had actually happened..
One thing that has kept me going has been my time in adoration. A few weeks ago I came across a book in the basket holding Bibles and devotionals called He and I and though I've only flipped through it a few times, the quotes I have found have helped me so much! The book is an account of a girl names Gabrielle's dialogues with Jesus over many years of her life and I always feel like He is talking to me when I read it. Like this one:
"Little soul, let it be very simple for you to believe that I love you more than you have ever been loved."
So simple! I love thinking that He is saying this to me.
And this one has definitely struck a chord with me and I try to think of it often especially in our struggle to start our family:
"Always trust. Trust more and more--even to the point of expecting a miracle. Don't stop half way or you will set limits to My love."
Wow! If that doesn't just say knock and you shall receive I don't know what does! So this has definitely encouraged me to keep pounding on that door even after my hand and my heart think they've had enough. I mean hoping and praying, sure, but expecting a miracle? Trying my best to do that!
So I think I just may have to find this book somewhere and take it home with me so I don't have to keep trying to discreetly take pictures of pages with my phone in adoration. (Is that bad?!)
Anyway, the point is I KNOW God loves us more than we can imagine and I KNOW He is taking care of us and our family and that His plan is the best one. I am trying my very best to rely on Him and truly believe that these things are true...especially in Mass or Walmart or wherever things get tough.
Hoping to start writing more. Also, I sort of like the feeling of freedom when it comes to this blog. I like starting sentences with "and" and writing run on sentences if I feel like that just happens to be the way it is coming out when this is something I definitely would have fretted over in school. (Is it weird to feel like a rebel over something as silly as grammar? Ha, you can see how wild I am) Anyway, thanks for accepting me and my not-so-correct-grammar-and-jumbled-thoughts-blog. Don't worry, I won't go completely crazy and start mixing up your and you're or anything. Gosh...
Thankful for clear skies today and for getting my 1st year of Christmas cards finished!
I've had so many thoughts in my head and spiritually I have been up, down, and all over the place from breaking down in Mass seeing all the sweet little ones, holding on but almost losing it in stupid Walmart of all places seeing the mommas and kids (some sweet ones picking up things to make Christmas cookies and some moms who couldn't have been more than 19 with toddlers), and then on the other side of things--some really amazing adoration time feeling closer to Jesus than ever, and a beautiful homily...both doing a wonderful job of tipping my scale back to hopeful.
Story time: A few weeks ago I had a dream, and it was the most real feeling dream I think I've had in a long time. In the dream I had just given birth to a baby girl! (I have NEVER had a dream like this). You know where you "feel" things sometimes more than actually "see" them in dreams? Well, I knew that she was beautiful, and very very tiny. I had the sense that she was so tiny that something was seriously wrong and despite the fact that I knew she was mine, as I held her I felt like she was going to be taken from me.
Oh, the other cruel irony of this story would be that AF came the very next day. Maybe those crazy hormones had something to do with it. Both the pure joy and anxiety of this dream have stayed with me like it was yesterday and I don't really know what to make of it. I do know that I want to hold on to the feeling that what dh and I have prayed for hoped for had actually happened..
One thing that has kept me going has been my time in adoration. A few weeks ago I came across a book in the basket holding Bibles and devotionals called He and I and though I've only flipped through it a few times, the quotes I have found have helped me so much! The book is an account of a girl names Gabrielle's dialogues with Jesus over many years of her life and I always feel like He is talking to me when I read it. Like this one:
"Little soul, let it be very simple for you to believe that I love you more than you have ever been loved."
So simple! I love thinking that He is saying this to me.
And this one has definitely struck a chord with me and I try to think of it often especially in our struggle to start our family:
"Always trust. Trust more and more--even to the point of expecting a miracle. Don't stop half way or you will set limits to My love."
Wow! If that doesn't just say knock and you shall receive I don't know what does! So this has definitely encouraged me to keep pounding on that door even after my hand and my heart think they've had enough. I mean hoping and praying, sure, but expecting a miracle? Trying my best to do that!
So I think I just may have to find this book somewhere and take it home with me so I don't have to keep trying to discreetly take pictures of pages with my phone in adoration. (Is that bad?!)
Anyway, the point is I KNOW God loves us more than we can imagine and I KNOW He is taking care of us and our family and that His plan is the best one. I am trying my very best to rely on Him and truly believe that these things are true...especially in Mass or Walmart or wherever things get tough.
Hoping to start writing more. Also, I sort of like the feeling of freedom when it comes to this blog. I like starting sentences with "and" and writing run on sentences if I feel like that just happens to be the way it is coming out when this is something I definitely would have fretted over in school. (Is it weird to feel like a rebel over something as silly as grammar? Ha, you can see how wild I am) Anyway, thanks for accepting me and my not-so-correct-grammar-and-jumbled-thoughts-blog. Don't worry, I won't go completely crazy and start mixing up your and you're or anything. Gosh...
Thankful for clear skies today and for getting my 1st year of Christmas cards finished!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Just drive....or the random post
Goodness!
It seems I am surrounded by lovely people! Seriously y'all, I am so grateful for the prayers and your words of welcome into this crazy club. I am still figuring out this whole blogging thing, but I am excited to see where this leads :)
So, anyway Happy Friday to all! You know it's a good day when it starts out with a garage sale. I stopped by a place yesterday but didn't have any cash so I had to go back today and pick up my items (a cute little kitchen chair and a small side table thing with drawers that just needs a little love...mainly because one of its legs is loose and needs a few extra screws..) Anyways, they have been already been introduced to their new friends in the corner of my garage where the "rather run down furniture items I have brought home that will one day be made all pretty" live. However, I am in the middle of a project that is at the moment taking up my whole kitchen table and I will not allow myself to start anything new until I finish it.
Have you even just taken a drive just for fun? Like the windows down, music up, beautiful day drive down a road you've never been kinda drive? Well, my search for another garage sale ended up that way. I got to explore down a side road I had been wanting to for a while. This was the sort of drive that makes you feel a bit more adventurous and free...two lanes winding through a wide stretch of open land where you see more horses and cows than houses. We live in a neighborhood with houses close together but from the entrance to our edition you can see cows across the road and I must admit I like it that way. What can I say? I am a Texas girl :) Not that I think I would ever be too happy living on a farm taking care of cows, but I like the feeling of being a bit out in the country (and still being within 10 minutes of a Wal-Mart ) Never did find that garage sale, but the trip was well worth it.
Well, I really didn't know what I would write about as I sat down today...garage sales and cows, oh dear.
I'll spend a post another day telling more about our story but this will do for now.
A few more random things...
I love teal, turquoise, any sort of bright blue and yellow. These are my main happy colors!
I enjoy photography, crafting, singing in the car (and everywhere) and am hopelessly addicted to pinterest.
I have two younger sisters, and my husband is the only man I ever dated :)
That's about enough for one day. Thank you all again for your lovely words. I am slowly reading your stories as well and I look forward to learning more!
Today I am thankful for this beautiful weather
Have a wonderful weekend!
It seems I am surrounded by lovely people! Seriously y'all, I am so grateful for the prayers and your words of welcome into this crazy club. I am still figuring out this whole blogging thing, but I am excited to see where this leads :)
So, anyway Happy Friday to all! You know it's a good day when it starts out with a garage sale. I stopped by a place yesterday but didn't have any cash so I had to go back today and pick up my items (a cute little kitchen chair and a small side table thing with drawers that just needs a little love...mainly because one of its legs is loose and needs a few extra screws..) Anyways, they have been already been introduced to their new friends in the corner of my garage where the "rather run down furniture items I have brought home that will one day be made all pretty" live. However, I am in the middle of a project that is at the moment taking up my whole kitchen table and I will not allow myself to start anything new until I finish it.
Have you even just taken a drive just for fun? Like the windows down, music up, beautiful day drive down a road you've never been kinda drive? Well, my search for another garage sale ended up that way. I got to explore down a side road I had been wanting to for a while. This was the sort of drive that makes you feel a bit more adventurous and free...two lanes winding through a wide stretch of open land where you see more horses and cows than houses. We live in a neighborhood with houses close together but from the entrance to our edition you can see cows across the road and I must admit I like it that way. What can I say? I am a Texas girl :) Not that I think I would ever be too happy living on a farm taking care of cows, but I like the feeling of being a bit out in the country (and still being within 10 minutes of a Wal-Mart ) Never did find that garage sale, but the trip was well worth it.
Well, I really didn't know what I would write about as I sat down today...garage sales and cows, oh dear.
I'll spend a post another day telling more about our story but this will do for now.
A few more random things...
I love teal, turquoise, any sort of bright blue and yellow. These are my main happy colors!
I enjoy photography, crafting, singing in the car (and everywhere) and am hopelessly addicted to pinterest.
I have two younger sisters, and my husband is the only man I ever dated :)
That's about enough for one day. Thank you all again for your lovely words. I am slowly reading your stories as well and I look forward to learning more!
Today I am thankful for this beautiful weather
Have a wonderful weekend!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Here goes!
Well, here I am!
I had no idea how I would feel about this but I can honestly say my heart is pounding as I'm choosing simple things like even the colors for this blog (which is extremely silly because everyone who knows me knows that I have a downright obsession for all things turquoise :).
I have been thinking about this for some time, but it all seems real now. It's like I'm officially joining this strange club of people I've never really met and becoming a member of something of which I've never wanted. I have been a 'sortakinda stalker' on a few blogs for months now and with the encouragement of my SIL, I am finally taking this leap to create one of my one.
I am nervous and excited all at once to join this community because I have heard such WONDERFUL things about many of you from my dear SIL. You know her as "Faith makes things possible...not easy" and I know her as someone who has been my support through our journey to conceive, a prayer buddy, a SIL who has grown into a friend, and just an overall beautiful person inside and out and I will always be grateful God made us sisters! :)
Well, let's see if I can introduce myself a bit more (the short version for now..)
I am a Catholic, twenty-something woman who has been blessed beyond belief with the sweetest, craziest, most handsome, faithful, lovely husband EVER! He is my best friend, my strength through this crazy journey of ttc, and such an incredible blessing in my life.
God has blessed us both so much through our years of dating, engagement and in these 2 years (plus a few months) that we have been married. I would never trade our story for anything in this world because I know without a doubt that every single thing that we go through, every joy and every struggle has been given to us for a reason and that without these things we would certainly not be the people or the couple we are today.
I am obsessed with JOY! I love what is stands for. I love that in the midst of suffering, we can still be joyful because God has created us and given us each day that we are here! I know that Joy is not a feeling but a choice. For me it is a conscious effort to sort through the good and bad, the ups and downs of everyday life and zero in on the fact that above all else, God loves us more than anything we can imagine. I know that through Him, all things are possible! So, despite the fact that I am tired of the doctors appointments, the bloodwork, the sonograms, the heartache, the sick to my stomach feeling I get when I hear of yet another pregnancy announcement, the fact that we are coming up on two years of 'trying' (though we have never 'not tried'), the longing to hold the love btw my husband and I in my arms and to finally become the mommy that I feel I am called to be, and to see my dh love on and play with our little one(s)......
Despite all these things.....
I KNOW that GOD LOVES ME so very much!! And I KNOW that he has a beautiful plan for our lives all ready to go. And so I can still be joyful, and trust that God will take care of us always.
I tell my dh all the time that even on the difficult days, I am truly thankful to have today with him. That I love him with all my heart and I wouldn't trade today for anything. I want him to always know that even though we desire children of our own, that I am grateful for today and never want to take it for granted. As my great aunt once said to me which I think about often,
"there are no guarantees in life." Today is a gift. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
(steps down off of soap box...so much for the short version ;)
Really I write these things because they are as much a reminder to myself as anything. This will be a place I can keep thoughts about our journey. A place to talk about the joys in my life and a place to come on those days where I am rather a mess. I will not try to be anything other than me. If you could please add me to your prayer list I would be extremely grateful and I thank you in advance! I pray for many of you as a general group but I am really excited to hear more about all of you amazing blogger women that my SIL speaks so highly of so I can pray for you more specifically too.
Well, this turned out to be much longer than I expected and I think this is quite enough for one day. Thank you so much for stopping by and have a lovely day!
Enjoying life, striving for sanity, and praying for little blessings,
One joyful day at a time :)
I had no idea how I would feel about this but I can honestly say my heart is pounding as I'm choosing simple things like even the colors for this blog (which is extremely silly because everyone who knows me knows that I have a downright obsession for all things turquoise :).
I have been thinking about this for some time, but it all seems real now. It's like I'm officially joining this strange club of people I've never really met and becoming a member of something of which I've never wanted. I have been a 'sortakinda stalker' on a few blogs for months now and with the encouragement of my SIL, I am finally taking this leap to create one of my one.
I am nervous and excited all at once to join this community because I have heard such WONDERFUL things about many of you from my dear SIL. You know her as "Faith makes things possible...not easy" and I know her as someone who has been my support through our journey to conceive, a prayer buddy, a SIL who has grown into a friend, and just an overall beautiful person inside and out and I will always be grateful God made us sisters! :)
Well, let's see if I can introduce myself a bit more (the short version for now..)
I am a Catholic, twenty-something woman who has been blessed beyond belief with the sweetest, craziest, most handsome, faithful, lovely husband EVER! He is my best friend, my strength through this crazy journey of ttc, and such an incredible blessing in my life.
God has blessed us both so much through our years of dating, engagement and in these 2 years (plus a few months) that we have been married. I would never trade our story for anything in this world because I know without a doubt that every single thing that we go through, every joy and every struggle has been given to us for a reason and that without these things we would certainly not be the people or the couple we are today.
I am obsessed with JOY! I love what is stands for. I love that in the midst of suffering, we can still be joyful because God has created us and given us each day that we are here! I know that Joy is not a feeling but a choice. For me it is a conscious effort to sort through the good and bad, the ups and downs of everyday life and zero in on the fact that above all else, God loves us more than anything we can imagine. I know that through Him, all things are possible! So, despite the fact that I am tired of the doctors appointments, the bloodwork, the sonograms, the heartache, the sick to my stomach feeling I get when I hear of yet another pregnancy announcement, the fact that we are coming up on two years of 'trying' (though we have never 'not tried'), the longing to hold the love btw my husband and I in my arms and to finally become the mommy that I feel I am called to be, and to see my dh love on and play with our little one(s)......
Despite all these things.....
I KNOW that GOD LOVES ME so very much!! And I KNOW that he has a beautiful plan for our lives all ready to go. And so I can still be joyful, and trust that God will take care of us always.
I tell my dh all the time that even on the difficult days, I am truly thankful to have today with him. That I love him with all my heart and I wouldn't trade today for anything. I want him to always know that even though we desire children of our own, that I am grateful for today and never want to take it for granted. As my great aunt once said to me which I think about often,
"there are no guarantees in life." Today is a gift. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
(steps down off of soap box...so much for the short version ;)
Really I write these things because they are as much a reminder to myself as anything. This will be a place I can keep thoughts about our journey. A place to talk about the joys in my life and a place to come on those days where I am rather a mess. I will not try to be anything other than me. If you could please add me to your prayer list I would be extremely grateful and I thank you in advance! I pray for many of you as a general group but I am really excited to hear more about all of you amazing blogger women that my SIL speaks so highly of so I can pray for you more specifically too.
Well, this turned out to be much longer than I expected and I think this is quite enough for one day. Thank you so much for stopping by and have a lovely day!
Enjoying life, striving for sanity, and praying for little blessings,
One joyful day at a time :)
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