When I said I had an appointment on that Monday at 2:30?
Yeaaa, that definitely did NOT go as planned.
Here's what happened.
Dh planned to get off work early to come home and get ready to go with me. He texted me from work that morning so many times to say he couldn't even concentrate because he was so excited! I must say, I certainly was too.
When I made the appointment, I remember thinking...10 days! Only 10 days until we get to see this little one!
We got to the office about 2 so we could fill out the necessary paperwork and such and have plenty of time. I went to the desk to check in and they couldn't find my name. I started to get a little worried but then I spelled my name just to check. Sure enough, they had spelled my name wrong so I breathed a sigh of relief that it was just a simple mistake.
But there was still something wrong and they said I didn't have an appointment that day. They told me that my appointment was actually LAST week and that I had missed my appointment!!
umm, what?!
In my last post I listed the whole conversation with the front desk lady. We got our appt moved from the 20th to the 18th, and then she called back later to say there had been a cancellation for Monday. I was SO excited that we had an appointment date before Dh went out of town that I realize that I never actually verified the date...and she never actually said it. So, we were working with a particular week and I never even thought for a moment that she meant Monday the 9th! I mean, I made the appt. on a Friday!! Don't you think that if I had realized she meant the 9th that I would have jumped for joy and freaked out that we would have an appointment in a mere 3 days??
Of course, realizing what was happening made me quite emotional, but when the nurses told us the other doctor wouldn't even see us that day and that there were no doctors in the office on Tuesday,
I. pretty. much. lost it.
3 days would have been amazing of course, but I didn't really mind if we had to wait a few more days, or even weeks.
All I cared about was getting an appointment before Dh went out of town.
I know there is a reason for everything, but somehow, I just can't figure this one out. Why did this mistake have to happen? Our first pregnancy in four years. All the waiting and praying and dreaming. And my Dh will not be there with me to see our little one for the first time. To hear the heartbeat.
The only thing I can think of is that God is clearly still reminding us that we are not done learning patience. (um, duh!) And that we are certainly not in control. "Let go and let God" right?
Still, we are counting our blessings and thanking God for this baby. There are no red flags so far, and nothing is actually "wrong." I am taking my prometrium and being monitored every two weeks.
Dh left yesterday, and my new appointment is tomorrow.
We have much more peace about it than we did earlier in the week. God is taking care of all three of us...and one way or another, we will get to see this little one tomorrow. I will take video and send it to him as soon as I can.
Still doesn't feel real, but I know tomorrow will help it to sink in more! We have so much to be thankful for!!
In the long run, this is just a small hiccup in what will certainly be a grand journey. Dh will have other chances to come to other appointments and see our baby.
((side note: I realize that I must be rather fond of the word "certainly." I seem to use it quite often))
I am offering up every bit of frustration or uncertainty for all of you!!!
I am thankful for continued lessons in patience and
the fact that God is in control. His timing is ultimately
always perfect. (Why, after dealing with infertility
would I have ever though otherwise? Sheesh!)
I am still somewhat a cloud of shock and extreme
gratitude for this gift. The shock will wear off
someday I'm sure, but I know the gratitude never will.
Thank you for all your sweet comments and prayers!!
They are so very appreciated!!
I am still trying to wrap my head around what has happened in the last few days. It seriously feels like a dream. A dream I definitely do not want to wake up from.
I mean, it's getting easier to say the words but it still sort of feels like we're talking about someone else. I will pray and thank God and ask Him to protect this little one but it feels like someone elses's prayer request! Like it could not possibly be happening to me.
My first blood draw numbers last Wednesday were HCG 3,413, progesterone 16.2
And my draw on Saturday showed HCG
8,856! So baby is definitely growing!!!
I go next Wednesday for another draw to check progesterone and they (my doctor's office in Austin) will continue to monitor those levels every two weeks to make sure all stays well. They have me taking prometrium every evening as well.
I am so thankful that the Vitae clinic is monitoring me!! They are all so sweet and I know I am in good hands! The nurses tell me congratulations again every time I call :)
Monday is our first appointment with a local doctor. I just cannot believe that after these years of trying and praying that it is almost here. Monday I will have an ultrasound and instead of seeing nothing and just measuring my follicles, we will actually see a tiny little baby.
I would always pretend I could see something when I would go in for my ultrasound series and just pray that I'd get that chance someday. This time I won't have to pretend!! Perhaps seeing this little one will help make it more real because it is certainly taking a while for it to "sink in" and for me to actually believe what is happening.
All I keep saying is thank you, thank you to God and please watch over this baby.
Ah!! Baby!! Baby?! Is this really me we're talking about?! So. Darn. Crazy.
I am nervous and extremely excited for Monday at 2:30!!
Let me tell you that God is definitely on this case because my appointment was going to be Friday the 20th, but my Dh leaves to go out of town on the 18th!! We were so worried he might not be here but I kept calling their office to see if anything came up.
I called last Friday and the lady said,
"Well, it seems we have an opening now for the 18th at 8:30am." I told the nurse our situation.
That was definitely better! But when I texted Dh he had already booked his flight for 8 am that morning :(
I said a little prayer that something would please open up for Tuesday! (I had my mom praying too)
About 5 minutes later, the lady from the office called back to say there had just been a cancellation for that Monday!! I couldn't believe it!! God is so good!
So Monday at 2:30 it is. I am praying hard that all goes well and that he/she is healthy and busy growing in there.
I am trying to just soak it all in while trying not to worry. It's been quite a journey getting to this point and I want to remember every. single. second.
So incredibly surreal.
Thank you God!! And thank you, sweet blogger friends!! Your prayers mean SO much!!!
Up on a cloud somewhere between extreme joy and disbelief.
And I have been for two days!!!
I
ran out of meds this month and didn't get a new prescription in time. I
mean, Dh was super serious about all of his meds but me?? I was all
out. I mean, why, after 4 years being open to life would I suspect that
this would actually be the month???
And so I
kept telling myself not to get excited. That AF was just teasing me and
was right around the corner. I told myself that Tuesday was the day I
could test. All morning I said..."AF, if you are going to come, just
PLEASE come before I drive all the way to Wal-Mart and get the darn test
so I won't have to go through that!"
But she didn't. And when I got home, at 2pm, I saw this...
I honestly would have blogged sooner but I have just been trying to process this!!
All I could do was cry and say, Thank you God, Thank you for this gift!!
Since
I wasn't doing Clomid and HCG this month, Dh wasn't as aware of where I
was in my cycle so when he got home he was completely surprised and
overjoyed!!!!!!
So incredibly surreal.
I just can't believe it's finally happening.
Full of JOY and excitement and thankful-ness and hopeful but nervous as well.
Lord, please take care of this little one!!!!!!! If I could humbly ask for a few prayers.....
We are literally just walking around in shock and saying thank you, thank you, thank you for this blessing!!!
So many emotions!!! So many happy tears. OH. MY. GOODNESS.
Could this really be happening?!?!
Our
Mother of Perpetual Help, pray for us. St. Maria Goretti, pray for us.
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us. St. Joseph, pray for us. St.
Anthony, pray for us. St. Therese, pray for us. St Gerard, pray for
us!!!!
To say that my blogging has been inconsistent would be a massive understatement.
When I start to think of a post, my feelings go about like this...
I have too much to say.
I don't know where to start.
I can't make sense of these jumbled feelings.
I have no one to talk to so if I don't write something soon, I'll explode!!
But, where to begin??
So, I'm going to simplify the process as much as possible.
This will be an update with numbers just for something different. (Why not?!)
4
Dh and I celebrated 4 wonderful years of crazy, up and down, growth with so much love, laughter and blessings!!! We went to College Station to see his brother and SIL and went out for our anniversary date on Friday. We were able to hit up favorite college spots and even took a night stroll around campus. It was lovely reminiscing about the time we spent dating and our adventures at A&M.
4
Years we have been open to life
3.5
Years TTC
(I was going to say, "trying to start our family" but I try to remember that our family is already started! Dh and I ARE a family, dang-it!!)
3
Our puppy turned 3 in August! We made a little birthday outing to the dog park and Pet-smart to get a treat. Don't know what I'd do without our sweet fur-baby! She really is the best dog!
At an outdoor, dog-friendly restaurant
The sun did a good job protecting my secret identity ;)
3
Photo shoots I've done in the last two weeks. Did I mention I'm starting a business??! I've thought about it so long and am finally making the leap! Um, hello insecurities!! So exciting and scary at the same time. I really want to rock this!!
Screw you, insecurity. I will have confidence. Repeat. I will.
My sweet twins I used to nanny for turned FOUR!! How did that happen?! I started with them when they were 7 months old!! Still love their family dearly and am going to see them this week.
4
Weeks this summer Dh has been out of town and
2 more he will have to be before September ends.
3
Jobs Dh has applied to. Change is coming...I feel it. We are praying God brings some job he will be happy doing where he feels fulfilled in the work! He is of course thankful for the job he has now but is definitely looking for new opportunities.
3
Years this summer we have been in our house.
1
New DIY roman shade for the back door that keep both the harsh West sun and the neighbors eyes out of our house. ;)
(I need to do a craft edition!)
73
New blooms in our backyard! (Ok, so I didn't really count) We planted some sort of climbing vine below some lattice on our fence and it has climbed all the way to the top and started blooming these lovely purple-ish/pink-ish flowers!! I get so excited when a plant does what I want it to/hope it will (instead of me forgetting to water something and killing it..ha)
See??
1
Sometimes lonely, but hopeful heart.
Change is coming!!
Dh is seeking other employment, I'm beginning a new business venture and just maybe our family will change and grow too. We'll start back with clomid and HCG for September. (Prescription ran out for August and I had to go see my doctor to get more..also, my doctor is moving to Califormia! Boo!) Also, I find it very difficult to continue charting when I'm not on meds...bad I know. Am I the only one? I just need to chart more consistently in general! AF will surely be knocking on my door any day now...she is teasing me again. Rude.
1
Blogger meet-up in July! I was blessed to share a few minutes with this lady and though it was short, I was so happy to get to meet her! It was pretty great to meet the Blogger-of-the-month and perhaps next time we can talk longer!
And...to end on a good note...
1
Kickball victory!!!!! Dh and I have played on this team for four seasons now and we have lost the very last game every.single.time! Ah! But not this time..
We didn't choke and ended up the overall Champions!!! Yes! (Fist pump)
3 2nd place finishes and 1 1st. We're playing next season too so we'll see if we can keep our winning streak and go for two in a row. Kickball is such a fun, silly thing to do every week with friends and though I get tired of it sometimes, I think we'll play as long as our team keeps playing.
Just trying to live for the day to day and leave the what-ifs for tomorrow.
Please know you've all been in my prayers despite my blogging absence!!
Thankful for 475,899,602 blessings and looking forward to many more!
The title pretty much sums up my relationship with running...
Remember this post (#4) when I talked about how awesome I was at running that month?
Yea, well I pretty much quit after that month. Quit it cold turkey. I sure showed you, running! (sad face)
I am slowly trying to incorporate it back into my schedule for two reasons...
1. My Dh is suuuuper active. Like he can go out for a run and burn more calories than I do in a month.
I know I've mentioned this before on here. He is one of those people who likes running. Yes, I mean really really likes running. Like, looks forward to it and misses it when he can't do it as often. He has definitely been my motivation for running more! I, on the other hand, am no such person. It takes an extraordinary effort for me to get dressed and get out the door in the mornings and I have to play all sorts of tricks on myself while I'm out there. And my face turns so red during and after a run that you would think I had been out without sunscreen for 3 days.
Side note: Even though this TX summer hasn't been near as hot as previous ones, if I don't get out before 7:45am, I just don't go.
2. I love sweets. I cannot overemphasize this point. Dh does not. Ugh! Why can't I be the one who likes sweets AND runs??! It would be so much easier that way! (A little voice is telling me life is not easy...Yes, I know thank you very much!)
Occasionally Dh will get a "sweet tooth." Those are the moments when for once, we get to eat desserts together! Monday, he said one of my favorite phrases ever..."I have a sweet tooth, let's go to Sonic!"
Oh. Happy. Day.
Got a coconut cream shake with reeses. It was seriously delicious y'all.
Also, there is a snow cone stand that was set up for the summer less than a mile from my house. So, for the past few weeks I have been a broken record. "Let's get snow cones!...Hey, I have an idea..snow cones!...."
I even tried to appeal to his inner runner..."We should run down to get snow cones!!"
I know I sounded a little desperate but seriously, is it even officially summer yet if you have not had a snow cone??!
I sounded like this guy....
(you don't have to watch the whole thing...Brian Regan is a comedian and this random person put weird pictures to his stand-up bit)
So, last night we finally got snow cones!! Pink lemonade and coconut to be exact. And it was quite lovely.
(umm, hello tangent!)
Anyhow, I would love to live a more active lifestyle and not feel totally guilty for those splurges that, let's face it, are going to happen anyway.
So, that brings me to my next love...l
Music.
Let me just say that caffeine has no effect whatsoever on me. When I am feeling down or in a slump or need extra energy or need to run I turn on a favorite song. Major mood changer!!
I have to update my playlist quite often to keep from getting bored and this is my most recent one. Now, different songs do different things for me so if you care to find out, please read on :)
1. Time After Time--old song. love this remake
2. One More Night--guilty pleasure song!
3. Sail--the bass on this song is awesome. best in the car with bass turned up.
4. Hello Alone--just like the sound of this band
5. Surrender--serious lyric motivation. chorus: "I will not surrender"-->pretty self explanatory :)
6. Heart a Break--girl power jam
7. G6--party song
8.Cosmic Love--when the first couple of seconds of this song come on, two things happen: I relax my face (I furrow brow something fierce when I run) and I click up the volume...because I know what's coming...so I can relax just a bit before the killer drums kick in.
9. Yeah 3X--party song
10. Hearts on Fire--if you haven't seen Rocky, you may not find this relevant at all, but if you have, you'll totally get it. One time Dh had a "Man Movie Night" with lots of guys in college and had a Rocky movie marathon. After it was over he was so motivated he went out and ran 4 miles. At 4am. This makes me think of that :)
11. Munich--another "calmer" song. This one says to me..."relax! enjoy the run!"
12. Cruise--can't beat this for a summer country party song
13. Forever--good beat. and reminds me of The Office episode when Jim and Pam get married. I love The Office. And happy feelings...
14. Girl on Fire--girl power jam. I sing this reeeeaaally loud in my head.
15. Boston--I'm starting to realize how much I love percussion. awesome drums again and my Irish roots dig the sound.
16. Gunpowder--makes me feel like a bad-ace....just being honest! ;) also, may or may not have sung this at karaoke.
17. Hopin'--really like Josh Gracin's sound!
18. Nothin' to lose--see explanation for #15
19. Want You Back--because who doesn't love to sing in a British accent now and then?
Not pictured.....
20. Louder by Charice--girl power jam
21. Breaking by Anberlin--see #4 explanation
22. Callin' Baton Rouge by Garth Brooks--I grew up listening to GB with my dad..and this one has a great fast beat.
23. Blue Clear Sky by George Strait--can you ever go wrong with George Strait?!
Well, there you have it!
My "go-to" motivation for running breakdown.
So, do y'all have any moto songs??! I am ALWAYS looking for new music! I will often get on iTunes and browse for new material when I get bored with mine.
Oh! One running tip that works for me...
I always set little goals, like "I'm running to the end of this street" and then get an extra sense of accomplishment when I go further than my little goal. Oh yes. I play lots of games to make myself keep running. I also recommend taking advantage of the neighbors' sprinklers. Free extra boost when it's hot ;)
HA! Am I seriously trying to give advice on running?! Absurd I know. Ask a real pro, like this lady ;) She motivates me!!
I would looove to get in a good habit of being active! Each day is a struggle!! Really I just love music and like to pretend like I am just going out to listen to great jams, rather than actually worrying about how fast I am going. Hey, whatever works! ;)
Thankful for my health!
And that everyday is a new day to try again when I fall a bit (a lot) short.
You can't see me right now, but I am totally wearing my happy face...
Why you ask??
Well, Dh is on a work trip in California at the moment. Since it was going to be a two week trip, we decided that I would go visit him for a weekend during his time there. Soooo, at this very moment I am sitting here in a Texas airport waiting to board my plane!! Stoked comes close (though not completely satisfactory an adjective) to what I am feeling at the moment!!
He left last Wednesday and I get to be there tonight through Sunday! Never been to Cali before and the awesome part is, we've worked it out to cost barely anything.
Like I said.....stoked!!!
And some more good news...
We went for my surgery follow up and Dh's appt a few wks ago.
Dr K says I am fine and he's ready to basically hand me off to Dr P again where I live..so we'll start low-dose clomid and HCG injections again next month..
As for Dh..
I was super nervous sitting in the room with him and the moments before the Dr came in I was praying hard...."please let him be nice! Please let him give us hope!!"
As it turned out, Dr S was indeed nice, as well as professional and quite knowledgeable!
He made us feel at ease and gave us more hope than we've had in months!
It was determined that Dh does have a varicocele. He mentioned surgery as an option, but also said he has seen great results from Proxeed (which Dh is already taking!) He hasn't been very consistent (missing quite a bit), but Dr S encouraged him to make sure and take it twice a day and he said we can expect improvement in two months! He said "70% of his patients who consistently took Proxeed saw significant improvement"
He even said we can look at the Proxeed website to get the ingredients at a drugstore to save some money. That stuff is NOT cheap! I gave Dr S a few extra brownie points for mentioning that little tip. :)
He ordered bloodwork for Dh that same day as well to check hormone levels. We got the results today and apparently Dh has low FSH, LSH, and low testosterone.
Dr. S prescribed clomid to help Dh and said his energy levels should go up with this too. Sooo, I guess we get to share meds! Lol.
We will re-do a SA test in two months (uggghhhhhhhhh) to see if there has been improvement and Dh will revisit Dr S in Austin. If we are not already pg of course ;) If nothing has changed, we will pursue surgery to repair the varicocele.
The part of the appointment I was most surprised and thankful for though, was when Dr. S mentioned surgery as an option, Dh spoke right us and said "I'm fine with that." It was a HUGE relief to hear him say that he was ready to do the surgery at any time because that is the part I had been dreading!! The varicocele diagnosis was a bit scary, but Dh took it so well! In the past, we had left those appointments worried, uncertain, scared about what was to come...but with Dh's positive we'll-do-whatever-it-takes attitude, we were able to leave full to the brim of hope!!!
Dh said, "you've already done so much, I'm ready to do whatever it takes"
I know it is by the grace of God that his outlook has completely changed and because of that we are both much calmer heading into these next few months.
So, in a nutshell...
New diagnosis.
New plan.
Great outlook (for us both).
Hope coming out our ears at the moment!!
I don't care if the IF-coaster slams me down in the coming weeks or months...
Right now, I'm gonna take this hope and ride it straight to the top...maybe even catch a glimpse of the good things to come..
I'll take the bad when it inevitably comes...
But right now, I'm gonna fly to L.A.
Spend time with my sweet hubby.
And thanks God for today's blessings.
