Merry Christmas to all!!
Unfortunately today is CD1 for me.
ugh.
This one hurts a bit more. Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year and I did have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas Mass with dh's family and then Christmas day with mine. Yesterday was wonderful too! (Lunch with family downtown, afternoon movie date with dh, and then I confessed to having a headache on the way home and dh surprised me and put on my favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life!
He even brought me chocolate and watched it with me :)
I knew I was due to start soon, but some part of me didn't expect it because I was just so darn hopeful that we would get our Christmas miracle this year. I'm not sure why I thought it would be now. There was absolutely no reason we would have any better chance now than any other month...I will write a longer ttc history some other time but the short story is that I have very low progesterone and dh has now had 2 less than stellar s.a. test results (very low morph :( and neither of us are on anything to help our situation at this time.
I do NOT want this to ruin the JOY and HOPE of this lovely season and now as we wait for the wise men to come, I am back to waiting too. I just know that despite it's beginning, 2012 will hold good things for us. I am giving myself another hour tops, and then I will shake this disappointment and refocus on all the beautiful people and blessings I have been given that I am thankful for.
"If our hearts are never broken, then there's no joy in the mending. There's so much this hurt can teach us both...."
-new song by Snow Patrol
Today I am thankful for my wonderful husband. For all he did yesterday to make me feel better, for all the extra hugs today, and for what he does every single day to make me feel loved. I am so blessed to have him!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
It's been awhile...
And I am glad I am writing again! Things have been so very busy lately with my dh finishing his semester of school and training and running his marathon (def. nowhere near 26 miles myself...I was a lowly spectator), going in and out of town, family time, working a little, Christmas baking and making and cleaning...
I've had so many thoughts in my head and spiritually I have been up, down, and all over the place from breaking down in Mass seeing all the sweet little ones, holding on but almost losing it in stupid Walmart of all places seeing the mommas and kids (some sweet ones picking up things to make Christmas cookies and some moms who couldn't have been more than 19 with toddlers), and then on the other side of things--some really amazing adoration time feeling closer to Jesus than ever, and a beautiful homily...both doing a wonderful job of tipping my scale back to hopeful.
Story time: A few weeks ago I had a dream, and it was the most real feeling dream I think I've had in a long time. In the dream I had just given birth to a baby girl! (I have NEVER had a dream like this). You know where you "feel" things sometimes more than actually "see" them in dreams? Well, I knew that she was beautiful, and very very tiny. I had the sense that she was so tiny that something was seriously wrong and despite the fact that I knew she was mine, as I held her I felt like she was going to be taken from me.
Oh, the other cruel irony of this story would be that AF came the very next day. Maybe those crazy hormones had something to do with it. Both the pure joy and anxiety of this dream have stayed with me like it was yesterday and I don't really know what to make of it. I do know that I want to hold on to the feeling that what dh and I have prayed for hoped for had actually happened..
One thing that has kept me going has been my time in adoration. A few weeks ago I came across a book in the basket holding Bibles and devotionals called He and I and though I've only flipped through it a few times, the quotes I have found have helped me so much! The book is an account of a girl names Gabrielle's dialogues with Jesus over many years of her life and I always feel like He is talking to me when I read it. Like this one:
"Little soul, let it be very simple for you to believe that I love you more than you have ever been loved."
So simple! I love thinking that He is saying this to me.
And this one has definitely struck a chord with me and I try to think of it often especially in our struggle to start our family:
"Always trust. Trust more and more--even to the point of expecting a miracle. Don't stop half way or you will set limits to My love."
Wow! If that doesn't just say knock and you shall receive I don't know what does! So this has definitely encouraged me to keep pounding on that door even after my hand and my heart think they've had enough. I mean hoping and praying, sure, but expecting a miracle? Trying my best to do that!
So I think I just may have to find this book somewhere and take it home with me so I don't have to keep trying to discreetly take pictures of pages with my phone in adoration. (Is that bad?!)
Anyway, the point is I KNOW God loves us more than we can imagine and I KNOW He is taking care of us and our family and that His plan is the best one. I am trying my very best to rely on Him and truly believe that these things are true...especially in Mass or Walmart or wherever things get tough.
Hoping to start writing more. Also, I sort of like the feeling of freedom when it comes to this blog. I like starting sentences with "and" and writing run on sentences if I feel like that just happens to be the way it is coming out when this is something I definitely would have fretted over in school. (Is it weird to feel like a rebel over something as silly as grammar? Ha, you can see how wild I am) Anyway, thanks for accepting me and my not-so-correct-grammar-and-jumbled-thoughts-blog. Don't worry, I won't go completely crazy and start mixing up your and you're or anything. Gosh...
Thankful for clear skies today and for getting my 1st year of Christmas cards finished!
I've had so many thoughts in my head and spiritually I have been up, down, and all over the place from breaking down in Mass seeing all the sweet little ones, holding on but almost losing it in stupid Walmart of all places seeing the mommas and kids (some sweet ones picking up things to make Christmas cookies and some moms who couldn't have been more than 19 with toddlers), and then on the other side of things--some really amazing adoration time feeling closer to Jesus than ever, and a beautiful homily...both doing a wonderful job of tipping my scale back to hopeful.
Story time: A few weeks ago I had a dream, and it was the most real feeling dream I think I've had in a long time. In the dream I had just given birth to a baby girl! (I have NEVER had a dream like this). You know where you "feel" things sometimes more than actually "see" them in dreams? Well, I knew that she was beautiful, and very very tiny. I had the sense that she was so tiny that something was seriously wrong and despite the fact that I knew she was mine, as I held her I felt like she was going to be taken from me.
Oh, the other cruel irony of this story would be that AF came the very next day. Maybe those crazy hormones had something to do with it. Both the pure joy and anxiety of this dream have stayed with me like it was yesterday and I don't really know what to make of it. I do know that I want to hold on to the feeling that what dh and I have prayed for hoped for had actually happened..
One thing that has kept me going has been my time in adoration. A few weeks ago I came across a book in the basket holding Bibles and devotionals called He and I and though I've only flipped through it a few times, the quotes I have found have helped me so much! The book is an account of a girl names Gabrielle's dialogues with Jesus over many years of her life and I always feel like He is talking to me when I read it. Like this one:
"Little soul, let it be very simple for you to believe that I love you more than you have ever been loved."
So simple! I love thinking that He is saying this to me.
And this one has definitely struck a chord with me and I try to think of it often especially in our struggle to start our family:
"Always trust. Trust more and more--even to the point of expecting a miracle. Don't stop half way or you will set limits to My love."
Wow! If that doesn't just say knock and you shall receive I don't know what does! So this has definitely encouraged me to keep pounding on that door even after my hand and my heart think they've had enough. I mean hoping and praying, sure, but expecting a miracle? Trying my best to do that!
So I think I just may have to find this book somewhere and take it home with me so I don't have to keep trying to discreetly take pictures of pages with my phone in adoration. (Is that bad?!)
Anyway, the point is I KNOW God loves us more than we can imagine and I KNOW He is taking care of us and our family and that His plan is the best one. I am trying my very best to rely on Him and truly believe that these things are true...especially in Mass or Walmart or wherever things get tough.
Hoping to start writing more. Also, I sort of like the feeling of freedom when it comes to this blog. I like starting sentences with "and" and writing run on sentences if I feel like that just happens to be the way it is coming out when this is something I definitely would have fretted over in school. (Is it weird to feel like a rebel over something as silly as grammar? Ha, you can see how wild I am) Anyway, thanks for accepting me and my not-so-correct-grammar-and-jumbled-thoughts-blog. Don't worry, I won't go completely crazy and start mixing up your and you're or anything. Gosh...
Thankful for clear skies today and for getting my 1st year of Christmas cards finished!
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